STAMFORD, Conn. – World Wrestling Entertainment Inc (NYSE: WWE) Executive Officer Linda McMahon announced that beginning with the next pay-per-view event, all matches will use instant replay to correct potentially incorrect calls. “We have the most exciting and diverse product in all of sports entertainment,” McMahon told the assembled media at a press conference today, “and we feel that this gives the customer what he or she wants.”

Some details remain unfinished, but it appears that replay will be used to correct specific rules violations such as the striking of an opponent with a foreign object or with a closed fist. Additionally, pulling of the hair or of the tights will now be subject to review. Sadly, the Greco-Roman Thumb to the Eye – a move long rumored to be illegal in professional wrestling – will reportedly not be subject to review by instant replay.

“Our referees are the best in the world at their jobs, but the action in our ring happens at such a fast pace that sometimes it’s very difficult for a referee to see everything, and occasionally calls get missed,” added WWE Chairman Vince McMahon. “Why, just the other night, manager Santino Marella stood on the ring apron during a women’s championship match – where he has no business being, I might add – and while the referee had his back turned [chastising Marella], [current Womens Champion] The Glamazon blatantly pulled her opponent’s hair. With the use of replay technology, the referee would be able to properly admonish her for such a dastardly act.”

Not everybody in the WWE is convinced replay is necessary, however. According to Senior Referee Mike Chioda, who requested anonymity for this story, WWE officials made the proper call 98.6% of the time. When he believes he’s off the record, he considers this a slap in the face to decent, hardworking referees whose value as employees has long been underappreciated. His viewpoint, however, failed to alter the course of senior management within the company.

Austin: Literary pioneer, biblical scholar and stomper of mud holes, shown here pretending to shoot McMahon

The WWE appears to be modeling its replay system after professional football, as combatants will have a red flag wadded up and tucked into their tights. The flag can be thrown to challenge any reviewable offense, and if successful, could allow the referee to sternly tell the offending party that such actions violate the spirit of competition and that subsequent violations would lead to even more stern warnings not to behave in such despicable fashion.

“I think our fans will really come to embraces this enhancement to our product,” McMahon continued. He started to go into additional detail, but at this point, the press conference was interrupted by a loud sound which sounded specifically like the shattering of glass, along with a burst of pyrotechnics and some loud rock and roll-style music. Mr. McMahon appeared visibly frightened, as a large bald man wearing jorts entered the pressroom carrying a cooler of cheap beer. The man was later identified as former WWE Champion “Stone Cold” Steve Austin.

“Y’all wanna do this instant replay thing? Y’all wanna use a buncha technology, heh?” began Austin. “Well I say, nah-eh! I think Ol’ Stone Cold has a better idea. Whadaya say, Vince? Buddy? Pal? Whadaya say we take this here instant replay machine and show the people what they really want? Whadaya say we show Ol’ Stone Cold opening a can of whoopass on ya, Vince? Just fer old times, right? Me stompin’ a mud-hole in yer sorry butt and then walkin’ it dry? And then whadaya say Ol’ Stone Cold fills that empty mud-hole with a bunch of Steveweisers? Whadaya say, Vince?”

[Editors note: any resemblance between this gibberish and the actual English language must be considered purely coincidental.]

At that point, Austin grabbed McMahon by the head and impaled him viciously face-first into the ground. He then proceeded to kick McMahon numerous times in the rib and groin areas. Then he opened up several cans of beer and poured them all over both himself and McMahon. Finally, he left, throwing the half empty cans at McMahon, who appeared to be convulsing on the ground. At this point, the press conference concluded before any further questions could be asked.

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Originally posted 2009-02-10 21:33:08. Republished by Blog Post Promoter