The effects of a lobotomy apparent, Julian Assange makes shadow puppets at New Media Days 2009

Thousands of classified documents, including those detailing military strategy in the Afghan war, were released today by WikiLeaks.org, a self-propagandizing and unscrupulous website dedicated, ostensibly, to transparency in government.

However, in a fit of what can only be called incredible stupidity, within the trove of posted documents, WikiLeaks apparently also inadvertently released the medical records of the group’s frosty-headed editor-in-chief, Julian Assange. And doubtless, those records are every bit as titillating and provocative as the aforementioned military documents.

For instance, though always widely speculated, the public now has irrefutable proof that Assange was indeed lobotomized when he was sixteen.

“No one but a blithering idiot could believe that it is in anyone’s interest to reveal top secret military strategy in an ongoing war, ultimately putting innocent men and women at significant and unnecessary risk,” said Peter McGraw, a policy consultant for the Pentagon. “So no, I’m not surprised.”

As shocking as Assange’s lobotomy, it is not nearly as strange as the reason behind the surgery.

“Well,” said his Australian mum, “he was always a strange boy. Craved attention and all that. But as he got older, he became more aggressive … and a bit more deviant. This is hard to recount, but … well, one day he dressed himself in a rain slicker, and nothing else, and began flashing passing motorists from a highway overpass,” she said grimly. “But one of the vehicles was a very large semi-trailer and the driver blasted his horn. Julian’s always been a nervous boy and, well, after wetting his pants he fell off the overpass and conked his head very hard.” After wiping her eyes, she continued, “but that was nothing compared to this. I could live with the fact that I had a perverted half-brained son. But one that would perpetrate this heinous act? Publishing secret information that might put soldiers in jeopardy? I just wish I knew what I did wrong.”

Other information detailed in the medical records was equally astounding. For instance, much of Assange’s pathology – from his narcissism to his relentless pursuit of the spotlight – likely stems from (pardon the pun) a tragic mistake during his circumcision which was conducted when Assange was 10, and at his request. According to the leaked records, Assange arranged for the procedure to be performed by an Aborigine witch doctor (his mum says he distrusted regular doctors for being “in on the conspiracy”). However, the operation went horribly wrong when the witch doctor, who was evidently allergic to Assange’s Benetton cologne, sneezed.

“Oh, don’t worry, he didn’t lose it,” said his mum. “But he’ll never achieve … well, let’s say ‘anything more than half mast.’”

Opponents of Assange’s document dump are seizing upon the revelations to discredit the myopic misanthropic maladjusted miscreant journalist.

“With a deformed wee-wee and an ice-cream scooper taken to his head, it’s no wonder he is incapable of recognizing the harm his reprehensible site causes,” said McGraw. “But the fact that I now pity him still doesn’t change the fact that he should be sharing his views with the padded walls of an institution, and not the digital superhighway.”

One other bit of information revealed in Assange’s medical file is sure to astound those who have met him: he is in fact not albino, just really really creepy looking.

Originally posted 2010-07-26 09:29:19. Republished by Blog Post Promoter