The ordeal began innocently enough when a a seemingly innocuous malfunction in the office soda machine caused it to erroneously display “Sold Out” when employees attempted to purchase Mountain Dew™.  The effects were immediate, even if the consequences were not-yet understood.  Productivity declined by 42% that afternoon, and by close of business, many employees appeared lethargic, bordering on catatonic.

When the vendor arrived to resupply the machine the next morning, he stocked it full, but failed to notice the malfunctioning display and did not correct it.  Thus, employee-addicts were denied their precious urine-colored stimulant.  By mid-day Tuesday, the semi-comatose employees emitted zombie-like drool as they stared blankly at their monitors pretending to work.

You never mention the word “addiction” in certain company.

According to Seth Morrison, the Accounting Manager, “we heard the first hints of the oncoming ugliness on Wednesday, but we never dreamed it could get this bad.  We even began hearing reports of disgruntled employees forming a Project Mayhem revival.”

Rather than brave the remote corners of the Cube Farm, Morrison chose to remain in the safety of Office Country.  “I probably should have gone out there and looked into it,” he explained, “but I was watching my stocks.”

In a desperate, anonymous plea that afternoon, one employee even taped a sign on the soda machine which read, “For the Love of God, Please Restock the Mountain Dew!  I’m Begging!”
Alas, the confused vendor still lacked the presence of mind to check for a malfunctioning display, even with the sign telling him of the problem.  That mistake would cost him his life;  the sole fatality in the melee.

A Clear Warning

Pepsico (NYSE: PEP), the maker of both Mountain Dew™ and Diet Pepsi™, declined responsibility for the situation.  They released a statement indicating that, “while we are flattered by the brand loyalty our customers show, we cannot condone violence in the workplace.  We mourn the loss of our vendor, whatever his or her name was, and extend our condolences to his or her family and/or loved ones.  We are also highly disappointed that not a single employee used ‘Extreme!’ as a battle cry.  Despite our marketing efforts, apparently people only do that in bad movies.”

The Intellivation employees displayed a remarkable knowledge of tactics.  Rather than a confused melee, the employees formed small gangs and fought with semi-organized paramilitary maneuvers (see sidebar).

"The Charge of the Diet Pepsi Brigade" vanquished the Coffee Drinker Unionists.

Security cameras revealed genuine glee on the faces of most violent perpetrators.  Had any of them had access to assault weapons (and what sort of weapon isn’t an assault weapon?); the melee could have easily taken a lethal turn.  Instead, most workers indicate they will return to business as usual on Monday.  One employee went so far as to say, “This was the greatest day ever!  They should do this more often!”

All in all, the riot caused fourteen injuries.  EMTs described most as “blunt force trauma.”  The various bludgeonings lead to multiple concussions, several facial lacerations, and one stapler used as an enema – sideways.  Additionally, the office suffered tens of thousands of dollars in damaged office equipment.  When asked about the repairs, Morrison indicated, “It’s less of a concern then you might think.  We’ll just use the money from the Christmas Bonus pool to pay the damages.  We’ll need place a Memorandum of Corrective Action in the rioters’ HR files too.

Originally posted 2009-12-15 12:05:19. Republished by Blog Post Promoter