Posted by DETROIT – Fed up with the increasingly complicated debate about the connection between the hulking vehicles favored by Americans and global warming, the Obama administration has suddenly and summarily decided to radically impose change on the already-tumultuous domestic auto industry. Beginning in 2012, American drivers will be limited to Vespa scooters or Segways for their personal transportation needs.
The diminutive scooters, often used in America as fashion accessories by urban hipsters seeking to project an image of environmental savvy backed by a wealthy, faux inner-city street cred, and the Segways, which have mysteriously found favor with TSA and airport police personnel, remain unknown to many Americans, hence the multi-year transition period.
The future of commuting?
“Lots of folks can’t walk and chew gum, so it would be unfair to expect them to acquire a competency overnight for driving what is essentially a small motorcycle,” said Dewier Face, intermittent vice president of micro-vehicle powertrain forecasting for WSM, an auto-industry thinktank located in Gary, Ind.
“By 2012, a handful of these people will be ready. The rest will quickly be killed on the roads if they attempt to handle these vehicles, which will itself have an immediate calming effect on CO2 output.”
But aside from one’s ability to handle the vehicles, many groups, from “Soccer Moms” to hapless blue-collar workers laboring in Red State flyover country, are outraged.
“How am I supposed to continue my roofing job?” wondered Clarence Nailfitter, a Macon, Ga.-based roofer who relies on his large truck and several cargo vans to run his business.
Meanwhile, Harlot Milfwife, a 37-year-old mother of 13 who lives in Orange County, Calif., says she will no longer be able to support the 17 athletic and other extra-curricular events her brood engage in on busy Saturdays.
Analysts: many will struggle to handle the revolutionary vehicles
“I really am at a loss,” she said. “I mean, I’ll have no problem driving those little thingies. Right now I make the kids breakfast fajitas while I’m driving them to soccer practice, plus we’ve rigged our DVR to a wireless hub in our van and I catch up with the kids on our fave shows, like ‘Desperate Housewives,’ also when driving, so I’m obviously an advanced driver.”
“And I love the ones that come in hot pink!” she added. Still, she said she was against the mandatory and exclusive use of the smaller vehicles.
But Juniper Paisley, an Obama administration spokesgirl and recent graduate of ASU, said the forced changes are just what the country needs. “This is good for the Earth and good for America, because America is part of Earth,” she said. “Besides, I loved driving the Vespa around campus; it got me wherever I needed to go. The only bummer is that you can’t be intimate with your partner in them, ‘cause they’re so small, but we think this could help boost the struggling hourly hotel business – an added plus during these tough economic times.”
“For business owners and those with large families, people are just going to have to get creative – backpacks, sidecars and papooses will likely play a major role,” she said.
To aid the struggling U.S. auto industry, the Obama administration has seized the production rights of both the Vespa and the Segways and conferred them on GM, Ford and Chrysler.
“With the new requirement that these be the only vehicles our citizens can drive, naturally it would be unfair to allow Piaggio (the Italian manufacturer of the Vespa) and Segway Inc. (the New Hampshire-based manufacturer of the Segway) to maintain their consumer-crippling monopolies on these much-needed vehicles,” said Paisley. “We’re just opening up things to fairer competition rules.”
