ALEXANDRIA, Va. -Impressed by the worldwide capitulation to Islamic extremists who are threatening to burn, loot and kill Westerners if a small-time Florida pastor goes ahead with his threat to exercise his First Amendment rights by burning the Quran, some traditionally peace-loving nonprofits are turning to Al Qaeda and other firebrand Islamic groups in a bid to boost fund raising during a difficult and persistent recession.

Organizations ranging from respected Christian charities like the Salvation Army to hopelessly naive environmental groups such as PETA and Greenpeace are embracing the trend.

“One need only look at their results and compare them to ours,” said Barthélémy Gaspard Babineaux, vice president for global fundraising for UNICEF, the global charity dedicated to supporting the rights of children. “Donations are down. Volunteer time is down, not just for us but for non-profits everywhere. Meanwhile, one guy in Florida says he’s going to burn a book and people from the President of the United States to the top U.S. and NATO commanders in Afghanistan are deferring to Islamic blackmail. The lesson is clear – extortion works better than exhortation.”

Spokespersons from the Sierra Club, the ASPCA, United Way and even the Red Cross all agreed. “There’s an urgency to get to the most militant Islamic agitators,” said one. “But I think there’s plenty to go around for all of us.”

Most of the organizations said the use of Islamic fanatics will often be as simple as dispatching them door to door with donor forms and small arms but will also include more sophisticated missions, such as mobilizing large groups of them to terrorize underperforming businesses or even entire communities.

Don't try telling these guys you gave at the office.

“We’ve been working on a major corporate client for some time,” said a spokesman from the Make-A-Wish-Foundation, “and they just haven’t come through. They’re always talking about how profits are down and how their employees have taken major pay cuts and have less income left over to give to charity. Whatever – wait until they see the jihadists that are going to show up in the parking lot on Monday. They’ll come through in a hurry.”

A spokesgirl from Greenpeace said late Thursday that the group had reached an arrangement with a group of bloodthirsty Somali pirates who will join the group’s anti-whaling efforts off the coast of Japan. “They’ve officially threatened to behead any Japanese whaler that we manage to capture with their help, and we’re already hearing that the Japanese are having a tougher time recruiting whalers, just based on that one threat.”

“All we had to do was convert to Islam to get them to support us,” she said, adding that the group planned to change its name to “Greenwar” in the near future.

State Department officials have been heavily involved in the furor over the formerly irrelevant pastor Terry Jones’ planned Quran burning, issuing a worldwide travel alert to all Americans to warn them of the potential for “anti-U.S. demonstrations in many countries” and that “demonstrations, some violent, have already taken place in several countries” in response to the 50-member churche’s threat to ignite parchment.

Now, they are praising the ingenuity of the charities’ shift in tactics.

“I think it’s a brilliant move,” said a spokeswoman for Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. “It’s a win-win. Clearly, the global village has concluded that regardless of the situation, the Islamic militants must not be provoked.

“Of course, provoked means something entirely different for the Islamic community than anyone else. For example, placing a crucifix in a jar of urine and calling it art most certainly is not a provocation to Christians – any threats from them in response would be put down with all the authority a secular state could muster. However, setting the Quran on fire in that same free, secular country is without doubt a provocation to Muslims and deserving of their righteous anger.

“So, I think the charities have the right idea in harnessing the dynamic energy these jihadists bring to the table, and at the same time it will give some of our newest Americans the chance to find meaningful work.”

Earlier this week, Secretary Clinton herself labeled the Rev. Jones’ planned actions as “disgraceful,” and U.S. Defense Secretary Robert Gates took time out from managing a multiple-front war against Islamic forces that want to send democracy to join communism on the ash heap of history to get his own advocacy for appeasement on the record, “expressing his grave concerns to the pastor” about the planned book burning.

Even the leader of the free world, President Obama, hurried to condemn the pastor and the small congregation of the Dove Outreach Center in Gainesville, Florida, calling it a “recruitment bonanza” for Al Qaeda.

When asked whether the frantic global effort to coddle the overdone outrage and threats of violent retaliation by the Islamic world was not itself a powerful endorsement of Al Qaeda tactics, White House Spokesman Robert Gibbs put the president in a bearhug and hustled him out of the press conference.

Originally posted 2010-09-09 21:51:46. Republished by Blog Post Promoter