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“We’re human, and we’re not above making mistakes,” Jobs announced during a hastily-scheduled press event on Friday afternoon. “But we are always cooler at it than the competition. So who cares?”

Successful after 16 hours of waiting in the pouring rain, hipster Cody Franklyn of Marysville winces as the required AT&T contract is applied from behind.

Jobs was originally on the defensive as Apple fortunes changed dramatically in what was looking to be a blockbuster  year for the Cupertino company. Even while hundreds millions of excited new iPad owners worldwide are still trying to figure out exactly what the valid purpose of their new gadget is, the antenna problems experienced with Apple’s new iPhone 4 have resulted in bad press and concerns for stock holders.

The launch of the iPhone 4 began as one would expect with any new Apple product, with thousands of hipsters leaving their parents basements to camp on the sidewalks outside suburban malls to be among the first to claim extreme snobbery with the latest Apple gadget. However, it soon became clear that while Apple had achieved new heights in eye-popping design and elitist fashion, they failed to verify that it could actually be used as a phone.

Apple has invested $100 million in their antenna testing facility, which now bears its own logo.

In a move that market analysts are calling “brilliant”, Jobs accused customers of holding the phone too tightly, and recommended the more limp-wristed grip generally associated with Apple product users. When this proved ineffective, Jobs hastily put together a press brief on Friday and launched the new iPad mini. “Now you can do all of the things that you think you might do on the iPad, but you can do them smaller,” Jobs exclaimed to cheers from the loyal crowd.

One of the attendees applauding Jobs was twenty-two year old iBrandon Markley (who legally added the “i” to his first name two weeks after he purchased his first iPhone). “I just knew it was all part of the bigger picture, a master plan,” said Markley, sporting stylish 60s throwback “skinny” pants, freshly tousled hair à la Beck, and a Toyota Prius with the ubiquitous (and ridiculous) symbol-spelled “COEXIST” bumper sticker. “That’s why he is a gazillionaire and I am still paying my mom back for $1,200 I put on her Visa for apps.”

Jobs concluded his presentation saying, “We’re not getting out of the phone business. We’re spending $100 million on antenna design, and putting a web page out with artistic and futuristic looking photos to impress you all. We are confident that when we release our next product, we will continue to find tattooed and pierced masses waiting outside of our stores on release date.”