Miami – As Tropical Storm Ike continued its steady course westward toward the Caribbean, authorities in the U.S. took no chances, placing soul icon Tina Turner in protective custody in an undisclosed location.

As of early this morning, Ike was about 800 miles from the Leeward Islands, with sustained winds of 65 mph, according to the National Hurricane Center. Ike is forecast to achieve hurricane status later today. When informed of this, Ike said, “That’s right, and I know how to hit without leaving bruises, b####.”

The bandleader-turned-hurricane, who died late last year, is still considered a threat to estranged wife Tina, for “obvious reasons,” according to a law enforcement official who asked to remain anonymous because he is not authorized to speak to the media. “A lot of people thought when he died, it was over. Now that he’s come back as a hurricane, I think they realize how serious a threat he is.”

The official would not confirm rumors that Tina Turner was being held in Montana, considered one of the most hurricane-proof regions in the U.S. “For her own safety, we must keep this a complete secret,” he said, noting that Ike might have a few tricks up his sleeve, such as spawning a massive tornado outbreak in his quest to reprise his role as internationally known wife beater.

Turner says he can hit without leaving bruises.

Meanwhile, fake psychologist and critically acclaimed daytime-TV personality “Doctor” Phil was on a Coast Guard cutter steaming east from Miami in an effort to resolve the situation through counseling. “I’m going to look Ike right in the ‘eye’ if I have to,” the popular quack vowed, “and tell it like it is. There is never an excuse to hit a woman, unless she tries to cancel your show.”

Originally posted 2008-12-24 14:49:55. Republished by Blog Post Promoter