I'll get you next time... next time...

HONOLULU – Japanese Emperor Akihito announced plans today to visit Pearl Harbor this July. It will be the first visit by a member of the Imperial Family since the attack during World War II.

Officially, the visit has been scheduled to promote peace and reconciliation. However, certain unnamed military commanders are troubled by indications that Akihito intends the visit as a personal reconnaissance mission prior to launching his next diabolical attempt at world domination.

Akihito's faither failed. Will he?

Don't Push The Red Button

Akihito is the son of Hirohito, the WWII era emperor who launched Japan’s first attempt at global supremacy. It is widely believed among closed-minded thinkers moving in narrow circles that Akihito feels compelled to complete his father’s work and has strong backing from powerful members of the energy community. This circular rational concludes that these energy barons must be supporting him as Emperor in exchange for political favors – which ignores the fact that the Emperorship is obtained via birth.

Akihito – who is actually the spawn of Satan himself – had scheduled a previous reconnaissance visit attempt in 1994.  However, according to anonymous sources, a highly classified Special Forces black-op foiled his attempts to unleash an indescribable, yet terrifying super-weapon.

Recently leaked classified documents indicate that the super-weapon possessed a large red self-destruct button which should never be pressed under any circumstances.  The documents also reveal that Akihito’s trusty sidekick was killed during the mission, which was promptly covered up so that ordinary peace-loving citizens would never know what their government was really up too.  In a shocking development, the documents also hint that the 2004 tsunami which terrified Southeast Asia was actually triggered by a test of an advanced prototype of a modernized version of this weapon.

Now, as Akihito plans a second attempt at visiting Pearl Harbor, rumors are surfacing that Japan is currently constructing a large, spherical, interstellar space-ship featuring a weapon capable of vaporizing entire planets.  These rumors cannot yet be confirmed as of press time.  However, military intelligence indicates an increase of Yakuza-sponsored satellite launches.

Further complicating the plot, Akihito is apparently not the only second-generation war figure involved in the latest plan.  He has allegedly recruited Arthur MacArthur IV, the son of General Douglas MacArthur, to act as his North American Liaison.  This is difficult to confirm however, as MacArthur disappeared from public view decades ago.  Prior to his disappearance, it is known that instead of attending West Point – like any good military man might – he instead went to Columbia with all the other leftist buffoons, pantywaists, and elitist snobs.

According to MacArthur historian G. Erstwald Cummings, Arthur literally buried all of the memorabilia tying him to his famous family, changed his name, and had been living the life of a quiet citizen in New York for decades.  The Arthurian Legend grows, however, considering that he allegedly worked under his assumed name as a midlevel executive for Enron only to again drop out of sight around the time of the company’s 2001 bankruptcy.

He has recently reappeared in the Japanese court, where Akihito refers to him as his “Pocket Gaijin.”

So what might the Emperor and his Pocket Gaijin be plotting?  Most likely, say analysts, the rebirth of the Greater East Asian Co-Prosperity Sphere – a plan whereby all of Asia and the Western Pacific Islands are subverted under Japanese imperial hegemony.

Many expect, however, that the Pocket Gaijin will eventually tire of being abused by his evil overlord Akihito, will betray him, and singlehandedly destroy the Co-Prosperity Sphere via a strategically placed bomb in an unprotected garbage chute.

Akihito, though, is expected to make a clever escape, allowing for numerous financially lucrative sequels of varying quality.