They cite famed dog killer and Philadelphia star quarterback Michael Vick’s early boot from NFL postseason play as a precipitating event that could undo much of the PR gains the sport fought so hard to accomplish under Vick’s endorsement over the past year.

And, as Pittsburgh advances to the Super Bowl, they loathe the resurgence of their sport’s most bitter rival: rape. Pittsburgh is led by accomplished coed rapist and two-time Super Bowl Champion quarterback Ben Roethlisberger.

“Michael’s defeat in the playoffs was a black swan event, a real script reverser,” frets Rick Haliburton, a retired champion dog killer who now writes a column on the sport for ESPN. “Everything was going full bore when Mike kept winning. When he lost so suddenly in the playoffs, some folks sort of had the blinders ripped right off.”

Haliburton said Vick’s early exit will especially harm recruiting efforts aimed at middle school children, a population the sport views vital to its long-term relevancy.

“There’s no longer any doubt that NFL players are the most important role models in a child’s life. So we worry not only about kids thinking dog fighting doesn’t offer them a future, we also worry will they look to rape to fill that void. The competition for kids’ hearts and minds is really tough out there. Now I know what Joe Camel went through.”

Michael Vick hopes to become the first athlete to win a Super Bowl and the Ballers' Cup, pro dog fighting's highest honor

“We as a sport came to rely on Vick’s winning dynamic,” he continued. “In the eyes of the modern parent, when an athlete wins, all of his behavior is virtuous by definition. Mike created a vital halo effect for us, and it’s going to be tough to recover.”

Initially, some expressed outrage at Vick’s heinous torture of dogs. But when he began unexpectedly winning games after his return from his token prison term, he – and dog fighting – became more popular than before his supposed fall from grace.

“It’s just a really neat example of moral relativism,” noted sports psychotherapist Winifred Simpson. “The more he won, the more compelling dog fighting apologists like Colin Cowherd became. The argument evolved from ‘It’s ok that he tortured dogs because he’s a winner’ to ‘If I torture dogs, I can be a winner.’ It’s going to be a big loss to the dog fighting industry if this line of reasoning gets dialed back a level or worse.”

But Haliburton says the industry hasn’t given up hope yet. They are holding out hope that Vick can sill capture the NFL’s Most Valuable Player award, and are lobbying to have a new annual award, Most Valuable Dog Fighter, initiated.

They are also launching social media campaigns, school fliers and even a children’s book that focus on Vick’s storied comeback in 2010, especially his historic victory against Washington, in which he became the first quarterback in history to pass for three touchdowns and rush for two in the first half of a game, and his comeback win over Washington, when he joined forces with Giants punter Matt Dodge to help Philadelphia overcome a 21-point deficit in the fourth quarter.

“The message to fans is the only difference between you and Mike Vick is that you don’t dogfight. Only you can change that. After that, the sky’s the limit.”

Originally posted 2011-01-25 22:35:42. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

The hastily arranged conference, which was held outdoors in sweltering conditions due to the ongoing power outage, comes on the heels of the New Orleans Saints’ unlikely triumph over the Indianapolis Colts in yesterday’s Super Bowl.

As originally reported by Wine and Excrement, a Saints Super Bowl victory holds the promise of swiftly and magically reversing the ravages of Hurricane Katrina and the other chronic ills that bedevil the city and the entire Bayou region, including a level of government corruption rivaling that of Haiti itself.

Left, the "Pooper Dome" as it appeared until yesterday's New Orleans Super Bowl triump. On right, the Super Dome as it appears afterwards.

Port-au-Prince Mayor Jean Yves Jason, bellowing through a bullhorn, declared, “There are many parallels between Port-au-Prince and New Orleans: Billions of dollars in squandered government aid money; chronic, multi-generational poverty; rampant crime and looting; unbridled government corruption; official victimhood status at the hands of the white devils; and voodoo.

“We will have soon another similarity – a Super Bowl-winning American football team!”

The Mayor continued by explaining that an exhaustive analysis, funded by U.S./U.N. aid money and donations from the New Orleans Convention and Visitors Bureau and the NFL Players Association, had proven “beyond the shadow of a doubt” that the Saints’ Super Bowl conquest of the Colts was “100% responsible for the complete turnaround in New Orleans now underway.”

When asked to comment on the fact that all reports so far indicate that, aside from a moderate increase in bead purchases and public effluence, life in New Orleans remains wholly unchanged today in spite of the Saints triumph, Mayor Jason attempted to yield the podium to NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, who was not in attendance.

He then shouted, “Watch out for the Port-au-Prince Warlocks!” and stormed out of the conference.

An NFL spokesman confirmed that “discussions at the highest levels” were underway to send a professional team to Haiti. “We’re going to donate a franchise to them; after all, you see how the Saints’ victory has completely and totally transformed the city of New Orleans. A Super Bowl win can mean the difference between life and death.

“That one game turned a water-stained dump to a modern city state,” he proclaimed.

He added, “We can’t afford to just create a new team for them, though, so we’re going to disenfranchise a chronically underperforming team from the Mainland, a team that exists in a city largely devoid of natural disasters: the Cincinnati Bengals. No one really cares and it’s not like they were going to be scripted to win a Super Bowl any time soon.

“Besides, there’s just too much confusion between ‘Who Dey’ and ‘Who Dat.”

“But we want the Warlocks to win a Super Bowl immediately,” he continued, “just like we wanted the Saints to win this year, so we’re going to let them dump the Bengal roster, change the name of course, and draft the best players from every other team in the league. This will guarantee Haiti not only a full recovery, but total economic dominance in the Caribbean.

“Quién ils?” he then screamed in pidgin French.

“I looked that up on Google translate.”

Originally posted 2010-02-08 21:02:11. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

The Saints originated in 1967 and this is their first-ever championship appearance.  Many believe that their gold and black color scheme represents the public urination and blackouts common in the French Quarter, and that the fleur-de-lis symbol on their helmets symbolizes the anchor of grim reality drowning the hopes and dreams of its citizens.  Watch any television program about New Orleans, and you’ll be dutifully reminded of the 2005 Katrinacalypse which almost destroyed the city.  During Super Bowl Hype Week™ somber announcers have obediently followed pre-planned scripts, informing us in solemn tones of “long-suffering fans” who “deserve” to have their team win, and how much “good” a championship will do for the city.

This used to be a pile of lumber.

In a speech yesterday to the New Orleans Chamber of Commerce, Mayor Ray Nagin proudly exclaimed to the masses, “If we are unified, there is nothing we can’t do!  Even Katrina couldn’t wash away the vomit stench in the French Quarter, but a Saints win will!”

Nagin did not explain how this magic would happen.  Nor did he discuss the fact that rampant poverty, corruption and squalor raged in New Orleans prior to the devastation and that those conditions remain largely unchanged during the past five years of his mayorship.

Political Strategist and Louisiana native James Carville spoke after Nagin.  His enthusiasm soared as the prospects of a Saints Championship buoyed his spirits.

“A championship will be great for this city!”  Carville began, “The heavens will open, sunshine will spill forth, and all the ailments of New Orleans will disappear in the healing glow of the championship!  All of them!  Poverty?  Gone!  Corruption?  Gone!  All those damn fru-fru sounding French names?  Gone!  Overweight tourists will morph into Victoria’s Secret™ models before our eyes – and without the help of a few of Pat O’Brien’s™ Hurricanes!”

At this point Nagin, overcome with jubilation, rushed back to the podium, pounding Carville on the back.  “Why,” he shrieked at the crowd, “a win will even clear up ‘that thing’ on Drew Brees’ face!”

Neither man would promise that a championship could morph Reggie Bush into anything more than an over-hyped backup.  Apparently, even the magic of winning the Super Bowl has limits.

“It’s not just Who Dat Nation™ rooting for us,” Carville concluded, “It’s the entire nation!  And this church takes converts!  It doesn’t matter.  You might not get in the first pew, but you get in!  The qualification to be a citizen of ‘Who Dat Nation’ is, you’ve just gotta believe!  And speak in a French accent!  This is more than just a game.  It’s very, very important.”

Just what is that thing on his face, anyway?

Inspired by Carville’s words, “long-suffering” fans nationwide knelt down in prayer.  In places like Buffalo, Minnesota, Atlanta, and Cleveland, fans genuflected reverently in hopes that if this could happen in New Orleans, then it might someday happen in their city, too.   The lone exception was Detroit, where they know damn well that nothing, not even a sports championship, will ever fix that shithole.

Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal was asked to comment from his offices in Baton Rouge.

“I’ll keep my fingers crossed,” he promised, “but those National Championships LSU won in ’03 and ’07 didn’t seem to help much.”

Originally posted 2010-02-02 12:10:46. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

Even future Hall-of-Famer Ben Roethlisberger agreed to do his part to ease the recession.

PITTSBURGH – In an effort to promote American jobs and assist the fledgling Obama Administration in its re-election efforts, the NFL has announced that the Super Bowl XLIII champion Pittsburg Steelers
will have their championship rings made of steel instead of platinum. NFL commissioner Roger Goodell explained to a press conference in New York that “today’s recessionary times call for drastic measures to promote the American economy.”

By contracting with US Steel , a Pittsburgh-based corporation, the NFL was hoping to avoid any sentiment of “globalization” associated with the modern era of commerce. In addition, the rings would be cast in the Pittsburgh plant, allowing Steeler fans to craft the very items that would mark the Steeler victory over the Arizona Cardinals in Super Bowl XLIII.

“I cannot wait to get to work on Monday so I can cast the first ring,” said US Steel line foreman Jack A Sheet. “I mean, along with the referees, the fans and the NFL front office, we have only the Arizona Cardinals to thank for rolling over and playing dead on that last drive, and I’d be happy to design a runner-up ring for them if they’d be interested.”

When asked about the new steel rings, the Rooney family of Pittsburgh, owners of the Steeler franchise, only commented that they’d be happy to donate the difference in cost of the rings to the Obama ’12 Campaign.

Originally posted 2009-02-12 21:16:55. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

Now, NBC and the NFL are seeking to further capitalize on the bizarre behavior by making all ads during tomorrow’s Super Bowl XLIII available only on a pay-per-view basis.

Sobered Lick, who is chairman of NBC Universal Sports & Olympics, said, “We’ve observed over the past several years a striking phenomenon among consumers. Many – perhaps as many as 40% – aren’t even aware of what teams are playing or even the basic rules of football. They are, in fact, tuning in for the commercials, not the main attraction.”

Under the new scheme, commercial timeouts will begin with a blue screen with text advising consumers of the new policy. Consumers will have a choice of purchasing commercials a la carte, or bundled by quarter, half or game. A sliding-scale discount will apply, with a cost of $199 for the full game, $105 for a half and $55 for a quarter. Commercials purchased a la carte will cost $19.99 each.

It will cost viewers at least $19.99 to view this absurdity during tomorrow's Super Bowl.

Most cable and satellite customers will be able to confirm the purchase of their commercials with the click of a remote. “Folks need not fear this will require a timeout in their junk-food orgies – we know this is an important tradition as well. In most cases, all it will take is a few quick authorizations on their provider menus,” said Lick.

In cases where consumers are unable to complete the transaction via their home entertainment systems, they will have to call an 800 number that will also appear on the screen. “Folks should have their credit cards ready so as not to miss any of the commercial,” reminded Lick.

Jag Homer Zen, chief insights officer [ed. note – at press time, we were unable to determine the meaning of this title] at R&Y, a tax-sheltered advertising spin-off of behemoth corporate parent WHIP Group, called the decision “amazing … a brilliant exploitation of staggeringly beneficial consumer stupidity.”

“The consumer stuffing his face, inviting his friends over for hors d’oeuvres, planning viewing parties – all for the commercials, not for the game – it’s a bit like lambs running toward the knives instead of away from them, and it’s positively grand for marketers.”

When asked if the revenue from the pay-per-view proceeds would permit a discount of the $3 million-per-30-second going rate to be offered to clients such as Budweiser, Go Daddy and other Super Bowl mainstays, Lick was quick to offer an unequivocal no.

“In fact, we will likely increase ad rates next year, to help pay for the cost of incorporating the live pay-per-view technology into our broadcast. In any case, 90% of the new revenue has been promised to the Players’ Union.”

Originally posted 2009-01-31 15:43:10. Republished by Blog Post Promoter