Specter's recently updated U.S. Senate photo

In the course of his long political career, Sen. Arlen Specter has been a Democrat, then a Republican, and most recently, a Democrat again. Now, having lost the Democratic party primary in the Pennsylvania senate race, Specter has announced he is changing parties once again, this time to the New Black Panther Party.

“It appears that the white race has deserted me,” said Specter, who appeared in black-face yesterday in front of the New Black Panther Party headquarters in Dallas, Texas. “But the good news is, I have found a new home where I truly belong. And it is here with my bruthas,” said Specter, who then assumed the classic rap pose of folded arms, pouting lips, and a down-the-nose glare at the assembled press.

Malik Zulu Shabazz, Chairman of the NBPP, was also in attendance. “We welcome our newest member to the righteous cause of freeing our enslaved black people from the bonds of tyranny,” said Shabazz while introducing the newly browned Specter. “He understands the plight of the disinfranchised opportunist, and to that we can relate. Plus, he’s got a lot of campaign cash left over.”

Specter appeared at the conference flanked on each side of the podium by NBPP commandos dressed in the iconic NBPP attire of black beret, sunglasses, camouflaged pants, and malignant expressions. “For far too long I, and my black bruthas, have endured the chains of oppression, aggression, and repression foisted upon us by the greedy white man,” said Specter, while Shabazz nodded approvingly at the well-delivered afro-centric consonance. “And for far too long I have been forced to choose between either getting elected, or instead courageously adhering to a coherent and steady moral philosophy even in spite of negative polling data,” he said.  “But in the New Black Panther Party I have found a place where the notions of rational argument and defensible philosophy are shunned in favor of reflexive over-emotional rhetoric and whatever-it-takes power-grabbing. I fit right in.”

One reporter asked Shabazz during a Q&A why NBPP was endorsing a white man, but immediately received a pistol whip to the back of the head from one of the NBPP henchman for his trouble. “What are you talking about, cracker? Can’t you see he’s a black man?” No further questions were asked by attending press members.

However, it appears that not all black leaders are pleased with Specter’s switch. “It’s disgraceful, he’s nothing but an Uncle Tom,” said black activist and former presidential candidate, Al Sharpton, yesterday. “He may be black, but he ain’t on the side of the black man. In fact, he’s miscegenatin’ with a white woman! And I think it’s Sarah Palin!” In a possibly related occurrence, Sharpton later that night was admitted to New York Presbyterian Hospital after being pistol-whipped in the head. Police have not identified any suspects, but believe the injury was inflicted by a NBPP henchman, or possibly Sarah Palin.

Specter’s immediate political plans are murky, but he hinted that a presidential run is not out of the question. “This country needs a black president. And it’s high time it got one,” he said. “And don’t talk to me about what’s-his-name. He don’t count. Can’t grow up in Hawaii and Indonesia and call ya self a black man. Gotta know the ‘hood. Like me, ’cause I fought for my bread in the mean streets of Wichita. I wasn’t pickin’ pineapples on some beach.”

Whether Specter’s new allegiance pans out, only time will tell. But at least one person thinks the politician has finally jumped the shark. “It’s crazy, whoring yourself out to any group that will have you just to advance your career, no matter the extent to which it compromises your integrity, or hurts your family,” said famous reality mom, Kate Gosslin. “It’s disgusting.”

UPDATE!

Early this morning, an NBPP spokesman disclosed that the organization has learned that Specter is Jewish. Coincidentally, Specter has been missing since mid-morning when he departed in his car for a NBPP fundraiser, at which he reportedly never arrived. Specter’s family states that at around 10:00 a.m. he left in his car, a newly-purchased 1974 Cadillac Seville with 4-inch white walls and a vanity plate that reads “FITE Y-T”. Authorities have asked anyone with information on Specter’s whereabouts to contact their local police.

Developing . . .

Originally posted 2010-06-04 10:07:13. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

Exclusive! Obama fliming a screen test of potential Travel Channel show

White House Press Secretary, Robert Gibbs, announced at a press briefing this morning that President Obama is mulling resigning the presidency in favor of hosting his own show on The Travel Channel.

“The presidency has offered the President unparalleled opportunity to explore his true passion: travel – or more specifically, vacationing,” said Gibbs. “The Travel Channel contacted him just after, what was it, vacation number four? and pitched a new show with the President as host. Obviously, the President will weigh this offer very carefully.”

Since entering office, President Obama has taken six vacations in less than 20 months, including his latest last week at Martha’s Vineyard in Massachusetts.  He has also logged 47 [update] 48 rounds of golf.

Later in the morning, press pool reporters following the President during his jaunt to the famous New England island asked if he was seriously considering resigning.

“Let me be clear,” said the President. “My backswing is still not where it should be, and I haven’t been to Yellowstone yet. So I have not made up my mind. Plus, I’m not sure even a travel show could match the vacation opportunities I enjoy as president.”

Details of the proposed show have slowly leaked out to the press. As host of the show (the working title of which is currently “Left-Wing Leisure Log with Barack”), the President will demonstrate the secrets of vacationing on someone else’s dime, such as avoiding hotel mini-bar fees by blaming missing booze on the previous room occupant.

“I think over the past couple of years I’ve really honed my craft,” Obama told reporters while setting up his tee for the 8th hole at the Vineyard Golf Club at Martha’s Vineyard. “Every month I get a little better. I pick better hotels, I find better restaurants,” said the President as he lined up his shot. “I’ve developed an eye for spotting the best aspects of a particular travel destination,” he said, as he awkwardly swung into a vicious slice to the left.

“Sure, there are those who will say I don’t have the experience, or that I’m too new to the industry. But they are merely obstructionists attempting to thwart my travel itinerary. I fully believe that I’ve packed more exciting and fulfilling trips into my short time in office than the average American will experience in his lifetime. And I haven’t even appointed my new Vacation Czar yet!”

Gibbs agreed. “There has never been a savvier president then this one when it comes to vacation planning. As a matter of fact, he arranged a splendid retreat for my family in the Catskills that was absolutely superb. Very relaxing. The man really knows his way around Expedia.”

When asked if President Obama should be more focused on the duties of being president – even if he intends to resign, or only serve a single term – Gibbs merely chuckled, then sat down cross-legged behind the podium and played his Game Boy.

Mr. and Mrs. Obama find themselves trapped at a gate in Martha's Vineyard. Secret Service members freed the First Couple 90 minutes later

Other world leaders agree that Obama’s travel acumen is high enough to qualify him as a travel host.

“He revealed my own country to me in a manner that was both informative and entertaining,” said former British Prime Minister, Gordon Brown. “He took me to a lovely Armenian restaurant in Chelsea which I’d never noticed before. The food was delicious, reasonably priced, and Mr. Obama’s post-dinner review was, of course, articulate and enticing. Plus, he managed to get the diners at the next table to pay for it.”

A spokesman from The Travel Channel confirmed that the network has indeed offered the President the gig, and is awaiting his decision. He also said, however, that the original concept would have partnered Barack with another host. “Early on, we thought about pairing him with a co-host. However, Sarah Palin balked at the pay cut. Plus, I think Obama was a little put off that she had more travel experience than he did.”

The President says that regardless of whether or not he accepts the offer, he expects the future holds many more vacations for the First Family. “You don’t have to wait until you’re 65 to live like you’re retired, know what I mean?”

Asked what was up next on his travel radar, Obama said, “I know I should probably be heading to South Korea to discuss the deteriorating diplomatic conditions of the Korean peninsula, or to Russia to discuss the Iranian nuclear build-up, but I’m just not interested in those destinations. Instead, I’m heading to Provence to tour of some really exquisite wineries, and perhaps scout some upscale bed and breakfasts. Who knows,” the President said with a wink, “maybe the trip will make it on TV.”

Originally posted 2010-08-31 15:24:34. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

Merriam Webster went a long way in answering that age-old question when it revealed its “Word of the Summer”: “refudiate.”

“Refudiate” is the rogue word that former maverick political contender Sarah Palin invoked in quick succession earlier this year – once on a news show and once on her hyperactive “Twitter” feed.

The serendipitous neologism struck such a chord with the masses that, scant months later, it has been officially enshrined as the summer’s most-searched “word” by users of Merriam-Webster’s online dictionary.

Sarah Palin sometimes uses her palm to keep track of the neologisms she creates.

While Palin insisted she had coined the utterance in a conscious effort to improve the English language, comparing herself to the father of English literature in the process, no such ready-made excuse exists to explain why hordes of Americans continue to look up something that is not a real word with such mule-brained persistence that it has surpassed all real words in popularity.

People who are perplexed by such an irony are “missing the point and over-thinking things,” said Professor Jerumbiah Hopscotch, who teaches relative linguistics at the Pennsylvania State Correctional Institute of Pittsburgh, which also offers online degrees to the general public. “The very fact that ‘refudiate’ has been searched more than any real word simply means we’re celebrating the birth of a brand new baby word, for real. That’s how language evolves. There ain’t no rules.”

“Make sure you spell ‘Jerumbiah’ right,” he added. “There’s a ‘u’ and a ‘d’ in there.”

Others disagreed.

“We’re talking about a populace that is uncomfortable above the sixth-grade reading level, a populace in which a quarter don’t know where the U.S. gained its independence from and more than half can’t find New York on a map,” noted Lawrence Killjoy, a former public school teacher who was dismissed for using standardized testing.

“Declaring ‘refudiate’ a word is not just tyranny of the majority, it’s tyranny of the mediocrity. Come to think of it, it’s kind of like our immigration policy – get enough people to break the rules and eventually the rules just go away.”

Experts have generally ceded the battle to maintain any semblance of integrity in the English language, pointing to other officially accepted absurdities like “za,” “ginormous,” “Twitter,” “Tweet,” and “guesstimate.”

“Imagine it. The French get upset with loanwords like ‘le weekend’ creeping into their language and we happily accept a horror like ‘staycation,’” said Killjoy.

“You can’t stop this encroachment of worthless garbage, you can only hope to contain it,” said Bill Wilson. Wilson is not a member of academia – he’s a plumber who happens to speak competent English, which, in addition to placing him among an extreme minority, qualifies him to be an expert.

“The big difference is Social Media,” Wilson said. “In Shakespeare’s time, a new word would have had to stand the smell test, would have been mulled for several decades at least as it was passed around. Today, with real-time tweets and twats, coupled with ADD, garbage like ‘friended’ can spread like a weaponized strain of Ebola.

“I refuke it!”

Note: “refuke” is a new word that was invented during the preparation of this story. It is a combination of “rebuke,” which means to censure severely or angrily, and “refute,” which means to prove to be false or incorrect.

“She’s the extreme makeover that the Republican Party needs. She’s youthful, she’s positive, she’s popular and she’s always smiling! Yes she can!” Furnace said in a prepared statement.

“She’s also tight with Jesus. Heck, she could even sing her speeches,” the soon to be canceled ‘news’ show host added, “That’d be totally awesome!”

Cyrus, whose current schedule includes the upcoming “Hannah Montana: The Movie” and a guest appearance on “To Catch a Predator”, could not be reached in person, but did text us the following response:

OMG! VP? How kewl!

Just like that Tina Palin!

Go USA! LOL

<3 n' Smooches, Miley

The former ‘tween’ pop idol and permanent Disney asset, best known as her alter ego ‘Hannah Montana’, could be the GOP’s “ace in the hole” for the 2012 Presidential election, say analysts.

“The absence of a septagenarian plus Ms. Cyrus equals an easy win in 2012,” declared Fearsome Angle, head of the conservative group Elephants Never Forget.

"C'mere..." The current 'official' 2012 campaign slogan for presumed GOP VP candidate Cyrus.

However, one obstacle stands in the way: the Constitution. According to the aged document, the minimum age for Presidential and Vice Presidential candidacy is 35. Cyrus will be a mere 19 years old in 2012.

“The Constitution?!” exclaimed Mr. Angle, “That’s a good one.” He then quickly walked away and was heard laughing hysterically in a nearby restroom.

“Old enough to breed, old enough to lead! That’s what I say! Aw haw!” said has-been country star Billy Ray Cyrus, who fully supports his daughter’s ‘decision’.

Originally posted 2009-03-31 12:36:38. Republished by Blog Post Promoter