Aerosmith had to prematurely cancel their summer tour this year when the senile Tyler, 61, fell off the stage and broke his hip.  Their fans greeted the announcement with the usual mix of horror and denial that comes from those who refuse to accept their ascension into middle aged life.  Modern Rock Radio largely dismissed the announcement as irrelevant, and is not expected to bore their listeners by reporting this announcement as news.

Steven needs to focus on the "Tyler" brand. Liv sure isn't helping any these days.

As for Tyler, it appears he will pursue solo endeavors.  Through his publicist, he indicated that “Right now, I need to concentrate on the brand, ‘Tyler.’  It’s really faded since people figured out that my daughter can’t act very well.”  Tyler did not mention in that statement that he and Aerosmith have not actually had a hit song in over a decade.

Exactly how Tyler intends to strengthen the brand remains unclear, but the obvious answer – writing a hit Aerosmith song – appears unlikely any time soon.  According to guitarist Joe Perry, “I was in Hawaii banging some groupies – thanks Viagra!  Next I know, we get an offer to do some gigs in South America, so I called Steven.  The bastard hung up on me!”

Despite the rebuke, Perry refuses to accept that the band may be over.  “Van Halen continued without David Lee Roth,” Perry said, “and Velvet Revolver did great without Axl Rose.  So will Aerosmith.  I make way too much money with these other guys to ever give it a respectful ending.  We will continue to exploit the fans with a new singer.  We’ll comb every karaoke bar in Massachusetts – from Framingham all the way to Gloucester – for a new singer if we have too.”

This is allegedly Joe Perry. Or is it Cruella DeVille?

W&E’s intrepid Man On The Street (i.e. our intern) tirelessly combed the hair salons and tanning beds today searching for reactions.  Eventually, he found Maude – a self described “proud cougar” in a Nickleback t-shirt, and her thirtyish daughter Brittany, she of the acid-washed jeans and bitchin’ Camaro.  A transcript follows:

“Aerosmith?  Hmmm…  Don’t they sing that really horrible 80s song about Tommy and Gina?”
“No, that was Bon Jovi.  They’re from New Jersey.  Aerosmith is from Boston.”
“Oh.  They were the guys who snorted the line of ants, right?”
“No.  That was Mötley Crüe.  They sucked even worse than Bon Jovi, if that’s possible.”
“So they were they the band with the chick rolling around on the hood of the car?”
“No.  That was Whitesnake.  Aerosmith is different than all of those bands.  Aerosmith was actually good at one point.”
“What did they sing?”
“Love in an Elevator.  Rag Doll.”
“Those songs suck.”
“They also did a whole bunch of ballads in the 90s with that one chick who thought she was an actress.  What was her name again?”
“I remember her.  She was annoying.  And so were the songs.  They all sounded the same.”
“Yeah, but their old stuff was great.”
“So how were they different then all those other shitty bands again?”
“They took a lot of heroin and tried to sound like Led Zeppelin.”
“I thought that was Tesla?”
“Yeah, them too, but Aerosmith was ripping off Zeppelin all the way back in the 70s.”
“You actually remember the 70s?”
“Not really, but I remember this one time in Warren Zevon’s tour bus…”
“Mom!”

Originally posted 2009-11-10 13:58:56. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

“I’ve always been a closet Rush fan,” admitted Rock.  “Hey, they’re Canadian.  They drink beer.  So they must be OK, right?  And I feel like with the band I have [the Twisted Brown Trucker Band], we’ve played so many diverse styles over the years – everything from rock to rap to country – that it’s time to show what we can really do as musicians.”

According to Sony spokesman Walter Sobjeck, Rock envisions a significant departure from his previous works.  Lyrical themes will be inspired by outer space, science fiction novels, and intense introspective contemplation while under the influence of multiple psychotropic substances.  Soaring grandiose vocal melodies will replace Rock’s signature rapping and more traditional reedy, whiskey-soaked singing.

Kid: Rock's next progressive superstar?

He further described the music as “less riff oriented.”  Instead, the effects-laden songs will “invoke an atmospheric vibe,” and feature classically oriented solos with sweeping arpeggios à la Bach and Rachmaninov.  Sobjeck elaborated that Rock intends to try experimenting with odd tunings, modal theory, and alternate time signatures in an attempt to see just how much he can stretch himself as an artist and as a songwriter.

It is currently unknown if Rock will stretch his musical boundaries so much that he himself is no longer capable of playing on his own album, but he does intend to use numerous guests from the progressive realm.  Rock today revealed that Finnish guitarist Timmo Tolkki, formerly of the band Stratovarius, has finally recovered from his 2005 nervous breakdown and will supply a guest solo on the epic ballad, “The Universe, Space, and Fortys.”  Additionally, long-running rumors that King Crimson bassist/vocalist Greg Lake would play on “The Dwarves of bel-Tal (Do It Dirty) – Parts I – IV” can now be confirmed.  Other guests will be revealed at later dates as their contractual obligations allow.

“Bands like Queensrÿche and Dream Theater get so much credit for their musicianship, and I want to show what I can do, too,” continued Rock, “of course, those bands and their fans never get laid.  But I already have every social disease known to man, so how much more sex do I really need?”

“That’s a joke,” he added, “don’t worry ladies, I’ll still snort lines off your back while I nail you.  But with this new album, now I can be classy and sophisticated while I boink you and your sister at the same time.”

Originally posted 2009-02-07 12:21:38. Republished by Blog Post Promoter