“I was wrongly accused of being a death-monger.  That’s just plain wrong.  I don’t even know what ‘monger’ means, but I’m pretty sure I’m not one.  I’m a good ol’ gal, a real Southern wit.  Anything I do, I do for the good of all that is good, you know, the really good things that are good.”

Playsmell-Blabbard says that having her auction canceled by Ebay put only a momentary cramp in her creative pursuits.  Having divided her time between sniffing glue and collecting vintage pornography while contemplating her next move, she now feels the time is right to once again try her hand at exploiting celebrity death.

“Look, the Caylee doll was clearly a mistake.  People just aren’t ready yet.  So, I’m focusing my tribute efforts toward older, more comfortable tragedies.  I’ve just completed a Nicole Brown Simpson tribute doll, and am just putting the finishing touches on my Charles Manson collection.”

In addition to trying to profit from public tragedy, Playsmell-Blabbard enjoys maintaining a narrow focus when it comes to politics, human rights, and current events.   “I’m not racist, I’m not elitist, I have plenty of multicultural friends.  Hell, my pool boy is Mexican – this is proof that I’m a humanist.  Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to start a new tribute doll, one that memorializes good taste, common sense, and compassion.  These are just some of the traits that have been dead to me and my cronies for years now.  I’m not sure of the details just yet, but I’m pretty sure the doll will have flowing red hair and I’ll probably call her ‘Dildo Yawn’.”

Usually, though, it’s Disney that’s  sitting in the plaintiff’s seat.  That’s the case with their current legal embroilment, which involves a U.K. reborn doll artist, currently known as Mrs. X, who has been using the name of a trademarked Disney character in her business name for years.

“Unfortunately, we are not able to reveal the name of the cartoon in dispute just yet,” said Disney spokesperson George Arden. “The owner of the business in question has been successful in procuring a gag order that forces us to remain silent until the proceedings have ended.  Apparently, she thinks she’s going to win this one and doesn’t want the publicity to negatively impact the sales of her outrageously priced collectibles.  So, at this point, all we can say is that the unnamed cartoon has been a representative of the magic of Disney for over 50 years.”

Arden says Disney was first made aware of the possible infringement in 2006, when a series of magazines printed stories about the doll artist and her reborn nursery.  “We were surprised at how difficult it became to track this woman down.  Even though we knew her name and her location, every time we’d get close, she’d slip away.  It turns out that Mrs. X is quite an accomplished photoshopper.  She photoshopped everything from addresses on file, to her business name, to publicity photos of herself.  She was skilled at repeatedly changing one small detail after another, until our legal team felt like it was chasing a ghost.  At one point, she even photoshopped the street she lived on, turning it into a river.  When our team came back with boats, they found that the river had been photoshopped into a path of molten lava.  It became very frustrating.”

It wasn’t until brilliant legal mind Pillow Spawn, Esquire stepped forward to offer her services that Disney was able to locate the woman in question.  “Ms. Spawn has more experience in writing cease and desist letters than any other person we know,” said Disney attorney, Wesley Smalls.  “She also has an acutely developed persecution complex.  By channeling her powers of paranoia, Ms. Spawn was able to visualize where Mrs. X was hiding.”

“It was easy,” says Spawn.  “I know what it’s like to have the whole world after you, to be jealous of you, to want what you have,”  said Spawn.  “I used my powers to locate Mrs. X.  It turns out she was hiding snugly betwixt the ass cheeks of one Mr. Swollen BlueComb.”

The trial is set to begin in May, but Disney expects the defense to request a string of continuances, pushing the realistic start date of the proceedings until the fall.

“The act of an adult male playing with a doll is, in itself, not that unusual,” says Dr. Vivian Wilkerson, professor of gender studies at the Remington-Barres University of Knowledge (RBUK)  “It’s the type of man that is often attracted to doll-play that becomes noteworthy.  Often times, men who pursue full time interests in doll collecting struggle from identity crises that transcend garden variety gender role confusion.  Many times what you will see is an adult man who is otherwise engaged in a ‘typical’ male lifestyle, but who secretly and desperately desires to live life as a woman.”

Researchers call this a classic reversal of the widely known and medically accepted phenomenon known as penis envy.  “Men who collect dolls, play with dolls, or associate with online doll communities often suffer from what we refer to as ‘womb envy,’” says Dr. Wilkerson.  “It can be more complicated than that, though,” she adds.  “Sometimes the underlying issue has to do with perceived sexual inadequacies, so the man acts out in the safest environment – playing with dolls.  Dolls don’t judge, don’t question, don’t criticize.  They are completely accepting of all failures.”

While this might sound like a reasonable form of self therapy, Dr. Wilkerson warns of negative outcomes. “Some men go beyond the mere desire to play with dolls and begin to practice harmful dominant behaviors, possibly in an attempt to apologize for their feminine tendencies by becoming outwardly aggressive.”

Often, the easiest and safest way to display this aggression is to become an online bully.  Participants of online doll forums are easy targets, not just because they share the common interest of doll collecting, but because these communities are frequently subjected to acts of jealousy by anonymous parties who infiltrate the communities with the sole intent of weakening their infrastructures.

Perhaps the strongest example of this lies in the recent actions of male doll collector and would-be moderator of the Internet entire, who asked to be identified only by the alias “Swollen BlueComb.”   Mr. BlueComb prides himself upon his ability to, without justification, harass web hosts into compliance with fabricated rules and regulations.

“I don’t care what people think, I only care what people type.  And they goshdarn better not type anything I don’t approve of, or I’ll go after ‘em.”  Among Mr. BlueComb’s latest conquests was a series of sites that hosted the much lauded and sensibly moderated “Dramatic Dollies” a place where most anyone was welcomed and encouraged to post.  “I admit, I got tired of them having so much fun.  I reported nonexistent violation after nonexistent violation, until I wore down the forum owners.  It was a chickenshit thing to do, no doubt, but it made me feel better.  I win!  I win!!  I’m a winner!  Look me winning!”

After several full minutes of giggling and unintelligible ranting, Mr. BlueComb added: “The world would be a better place if no one said anything bad about anyone else.  Or, at least if the bad things were said by only me, and a handful of my appointed representatives.  That’s it, though, no other bad things.  And, it would be better if we all wore pretty panties.  Look, I run my own forum, and I think that most forums are under-moderated.  We live in a global community, and it’s past time that community learned to shut its trap.  No one is interested in free speech, least of all me.  If you have an opinion that I don’t approve of, there’s a good chance I’ll shut you down.  Shut you down, I say!  I am, after all, a forum cop of sorts!”

Moderators of Dramatic Dollies are undaunted, though, and say they will continue to resurrect their online community, despite Mr. BlueComb’s efforts to shut them down.  In fact, to exemplify Dramatic Dollies’ giving nature, plans are being discussed to raise enough money to send Mr. BlueComb a year’s supply of fine silken ladies panties.

“We take tips seriously and investigate every rational lead, but our resources are being heavily taxed right now, thanks in large part to an recent barrage of emails and phone calls.”

DEA overburdened

The DEA says it is always appreciative of citizen participation in law enforcement efforts. “Many times, a tip leads to a worthwhile investigation, arrest, and an eventual sentence. We have, for the most part, confidence in the eyes and ears of America. In this particular case, though, our agents are becoming distracted, even hindered, by calls relating to a fictitious person.”

Vighters says she’s baffled by what she calls a “confusing campaign of stupidity”. The DEA is being repeatedly asked to investigate complaints involving a non-person. “It makes no sense why they’re asking for DEA participation. The DEA investigates drug-related activities, not pieces of fiction written about drug trafficking.”

Vighters stressed that intervening on behalf of people who don’t exist is beyond the jurisdiction of most law enforcement agencies. “We don’t really deal with imaginary friends, trolls, sprites, demons, leprechauns, goblins, brownies, or peri-menopausal fruitbats.”

This is the third in a recent series of arrests that focus on the use of children’s toys in the trafficking of cocaine. “We have been suspicious of these types of dolls for some time now,” said DEA Special Agent Bartholomew Halston. “Any internet doll sale that yields more than $900 goes onto our watch list. We’ve compiled quite a lengthy list over the last five years, but very few leads actually result in an arrest.” Halston says he is always surprised that someone is willing to pay up to $1000, sometimes more, for a plastic doll, but is relieved that most dolls are not filled with cocaine.

Reborn dolls are created from vinyl kits that have been painted to look exceptionally realistic and are popular among collectors. Ultra-fine glass granules are often used to fill the hollow limbs of the dolls to add a genuine weight and feel to the finished product. The limbs make an excellent receptacle for storing and shipping drugs.

Halston says he became suspicious of Achers after she sold a doll, which he described as “thoroughly average” for an astonishing $26,000. “I believe an artist should be well-compensated for their craft, but when a doll that looks like it has been painted by a child sells for that amount, an investigation is more than justified.”

cocaine-filled dolls demand high price tags

Halston wants to send a clear message to other housewives and homemakers who might be considering using Ebay and other internet auction spots as a way to peddle illicit material. “Look, we’ve seen it all, hashish oil in perfume bottles, MDMA in bubble gum dispensers, and doll babies filled with coke and heroin. There’s nothing you can think of [to sell drugs] that won’t get you caught.”

Also found during the raid was a large stack of cease and desist letters written on phony legal letterhead, but officials are not ready to relate the findings to drug activity. “It seems Ms. Achers was angry at a lot of different internet people, and was trying to name some of them in defamation lawsuits,” commented Halston. “It’s possible that the people named in the bogus lawsuits are those who notified the DEA about her drug dealings in the first place. We’re looking into it.”