Vila, 62, was the host of the long running 80’s home improvement program, This Old House, where he sat around and did essentially nothing while his ‘faithful assistant’ Norm made exotic, yet surprisingly affordable, upgrades to homes nationwide.

A Cabinet To Be Proud Of

Obama’s cabinet has become a source of embarrassment to the new president as several nominees have been rejected, or have withdrawn from consideration for reasons ranging from tax cheating to embezzlement to general incompetence. While every previous administration has considered the filling of these vacancies to be the first duty of a new President, and typically completed the task prior to inauguration, Obama still has several high-profile vacancies, yet it has been over two months since his ascension to the Oval Office.Compounding matters, 3 cabinet officials have already stepped down, before ever even so much as being confirmed by the Senate.

According to White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs, “Hiring Bob Vila will allow the President to focus on more vital national issues like arguing with Rush Limbaugh or complaining about the lack of a playoff in college football.”

“He might also find some time for more government spending,” Gibbs continued. “He’s really good at that.”

Can't talk now - Oprah's waiting!

The inability of Obama to handle even this simple process has raised yet again the concern that he is a neophyte, and utterly lacking even basic administrative qualifications to lead the free world. Though he began his term with the second highest approval rating in history, his numbers have already dropped from 68% to 56% approval, in only two months.

“Obama’s no do-it-yourselfer,” commented media watchdog L. Brent Bozell, “so now he’s finally figured out that he needs to hire a contractor to get something done. Maybe then he can get around to giving out all those rainbows and unicorns he promised everybody.”

Bob and Norm. Partners? Or soul-mates?

Mr. Vila was made available via teleconference from his Miami home. When asked how he would fix the cabinet, he said, “Spackle. Lots and lots of spackle.”

At this point, his faithful sidekick Norm interrupted and clarified, stating, “Whether you are completely remodeling your entire cabinet or using some of the readily available low-cost adaptive products, creating a safe, comfortable and accessible cabinet is not planning for ability – it`s planning for continued dependence on the government.”

When asked to clarify his statement, Norm seemed taken aback. “You mean I wasn’t clear?” he asked? “It means spackle.”

Meanwhile, President Obama, while on his way to an Oprah taping, stopped briefly to address the situation.  “[Vice President] Joe Biden just explained to me what ‘vetting’ means,” Obama said, “We should probably be trying that next.”

Originally posted 2009-03-16 11:49:34. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

Former Vice President, Al Gore, preening before a night out on the town

“It starts off pretty deadpan,” said lead investigator, Paul Pearson. “You know, typical droning Al Gore stuff. It’s the reason why we didn’t release it until now. We just couldn’t force ourselves to sit through it. But by the end, he’s off the deep end. You’d think he was accusing her of betraying the country.”

A spokesperson for the former Vice President and failed candidate of at least three Presidential election counts said in a written statement that Gore denies the authenticity of the recording. “The issue is decided. There can be no more debate. It doesn’t matter that there is contradictory evidence, or suspicion of foul play,” read the statement.

Below is the full release of the transcript, with “W” as the “Woman” and “A” as Al Gore:

[BEGIN TRANSCRIPT]

[sound of phone picked up]
W:  Hello?
[sound of heavy breathing]
W:  Helllloooo??
A:  I’m very disappointed in you.
W:  Who is this?
A:  You should know that I can’t be toyed with.
W:  Is this Ben Stein?
A:  I — what? No! No, it’s not Ben Stein. Ben Stei– why in the world would you think–
W:  Cause you sound like Ben Stein. Or someone on quaaludes.
A:  Look, I haven’t been on quaaludes since 1974 when Tipper and I–
W:  OH! It’s you Al. Hey, I thought I told you not to call me any more, you freak.
A:  As I was saying, I’m very disappoint–
W:  Look, I told you I don’t want anything to do with you.
A:  Well, that’s unfortunate. You should know I’m a very powerful man –
W:  Phhhttt … You have man breasts.
A:  — and I could — seriously? That’s not very nice. You should show some respect, I’m old enough to be your father, young lady and–
W:  Ewwww!
A:  Now, there you go again, that’s not very polite.
M:  What’s not polite is you groping my ass with those praying mantis pinchers you call hands. Did you know you left a bruise, you pointy-fingered troll?
A:  I was just trying to– really? A bruise? [chuckles]. I AM pretty powerful aren’t I …
W:  No, you’re a flippin’ lunatic! I always thought you were ASEXUAL! But my friends said you’d eventually get around to making a move on me, and I thought “no way, that dude?” I thought they were full of it.
A:  Which friends? Do I know them? What else did they say about me?
W:  Ha! As if I’m tellin you.
A:  Well, I think if you had just given me a chance, you’d find that I’m quite the sexy gentleman–
W:  Really? REALLY?? C’mon, Al. Everyone saw you kiss that bloated wife of yours at the convention! It was horrifying! It looked like her face was being eaten by a giant number two pencil. Disgusting.
A:  What! That was a passionate embrace! Didn’t you see how I swept her up in my arms? Ya know, I could sweep you up in my arms the same way–
W:  Ugh! Quit it! Do you honestly think I would let you within two feet of me now, you, you–
A:  Now, let’s calm down here –
W:  — you freakin’ TIN MAN!!
A:  I was just — what? What did you call me? [louder] What did you just say?!?
W:  Tin man!
A:  Stop tha-
W:  TIN MAN!
A:  I said–
W:  TIN MAN! TIN MAN! TIN MAN!
A:  All right you little middle-class tart! That’s ENOUGH!
W:  [singing] If I only had a heaaaaaart…
A:  You’ve left me no choice! I told you I’ve got connections, you’re gonna pay for this! Nobody talks to me like this! I’ll have you taken care of, that’s right, put you in a … a … uhhh … a LOCKBOX! Yeah, a LOCKBOX! You see, right now you’re not in a lockbox, because the lockbox doesn’t exist, but there should be one, and there will be one, and you’ll be in that lockbox when I’m through with–
W:  Are you threatening me, you old geezer?
A:  Oh, it’s no threat! I’ll do it! And you know what? I’ll fill that lockbox with all kinds of nasty things, hydrofluorocarbons … and, and styrofoam cups … and, uh, incadescent lightbulbs! You’ll get WARMED to death! Slowly! And over time! But oh, yes! It WILL happen, and then you’ll say to yourself “gosh, he was right! I didn’t believe him, but it happened just like he said–”
W:  [laughing]
A:  What? You think that’s funny? You think I’m just making this stuff up? [shouting] I AM THE ALPHA MALE, BABY!!!
W:  [uncontrollable laughing]
A:  Stop laughing at me! Stop–
[sound of receiver being hung up followed by dial tone]
– hello? hello?

[END TRANSCRIPT]

Gore "persuading" an audience of global warming skeptics earlier this year

One of the woman’s friends is evidently the source of the recording. Speaking on the condition of anonymity, she stated that more recordings are in her possession. “That was just the first one. He called several more times and was as clueless in all of them. It was weird, like he just couldn’t get over being rejected. It was as if he thought that the NEXT time he called her would be different, no matter how many times he was swatted down. Creepy, really, the way he denied reality.”

Police are still investigating the allegations. However, recently the alleged victim failed a lie detector test.

“Well, I’m not sure what to make of that,” said Pearson. “During the session, every time we asked her to describe the sexual advances he perpetrated on her, she just broke down. Not crying, mind you, but in hysterical fits of laughter. We think that may have skewed the results.”

While many complain that the Supreme Court is far too white, or too Catholic, or too male, Obama explained in a press conference that he instead felt the court was too gender-identifiable.

“Look,” said the President, “we’ve got these men and women on the court that we all knew from the start were men or women. Well, except for Sotomayor, but then she outed herself as a wise Latina woman. But who is representing this country’s androgynous population? Who will speak for ‘Pat’?” he said, referring to the recurring Saturday Night Live character portrayed as indistinguishable as male or female.

The response to Obama’s nominee has been mixed on both sides of the aisle.

“I thought we knew it was a she? She’s a lesbian, right?” said Democratic Senator, Patrick Leahy. “No,” disagreed fellow Democrat, Tom Harkin. “It’s clearly a he. I saw bulge. At least I think I saw bulge . . .oh don’t look at me like that, I meant his ADAM’S APPLE you twit!”

On the Republican side, Indiana Congressman, Mike Pence, couldn’t stop laughing long enough to provide W&E a response, but Senator Richard Boehner offered that “ be it man, woman, or mutant, we will oppose its nomination on the principled grounds that it’s crazy as a cuckoo clock.”

With curiosity boiling over, the Senate Judiciary Committee even altered the standard questionnaire that is completed by all prospective SCOTUS jurists prior to confirmation hearings. “We asked whether Kagan pees standing up, for instance,” said California Representative, Diane Feinstein. “Kagan responded ‘Yes.’ However, the nominee also complained of arthritic knees and finds sitting uncomfortable. So that was no help.”

Washington isn’t the only group exploring the new nominee’s status. Hollywood and the entertainment industry are also weighing in. For instance, the Indigo Girls and Sir Elton John have posted on their Twitter accounts which chromosomes Kagan possesses. While they came down with different answers, each agreed Kagan is homosexual. “He’s clearly a gay male, you can tell by his hands,” said John, while Indigo Girl, Emily Saliers (the redhead) countered that “she is most definitely a lesbian, of the stout variety. See the haircut?”

However, Anne Heche and Jodie Foster issued a joint statement declaring Kagan’s gender immaterial when judging the qualifications of a potential Supreme Court justice. “We condemn the discriminatory and offensive commentary being expressed about Kagan. What difference does it really make? Sometimes what you are on the inside is different than the outside, or vice versa, and sometimes you don’t know what’s on the inside until you explore the outside, or maybe you have to explore your insides before your outside catches up, or maybe you simply have no clue what’s inside OR outside but if you try enough things and meet enough people, something will just come to you.”

Congress stumped by SCOTUS nominee

On what kind of judge Kagan will make, experts claim it is impossible to tell given the dearth of material to examine. “Kagan’s legal philosophy is as indiscernible as Kagan’s gender,” said Constitutional scholar, Michael McFeely. “And who knows where she – or is it he? ugh – will fall on women’s issues, or men’s issues, or gay issues, or transgender issues, or … or on any issues, really. I’m not sure we can even rule out a special affinity for animal rights at this point,” McFeely shrugged.

The President, however, seemed unfazed by the rampant speculation surrounding his nominee’s legal stances, and his/her gender. “Kagan is qualified precisely BECAUSE of that ambiguity. Let me be clear – actually let me not be clear in this case, because I don’t think I can be clear, but the bottom line is Democrats should be happy to have a special interest represented on the court, even if we don’t know what that interest is, and the Republicans should be happy because Kagan represents the middle. Maybe not ideologically, but perhaps anatomically.”

Originally posted 2010-05-11 16:11:25. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

The prize? Potentially trillions of dollars. The catch? The ‘winner’ receives the prize with an attached minus sign.

You could be the winner of trillions of dollars...in debt.

“We think this is an opportunity for the American people, or at least one of them, to truly own a piece of their country – namely, the national debt,” said M. T. Wallet, newly appointed head of the government’s ‘Positive Deficit Distribution Initiative’, dubbed ‘Play ‘n Pay.’

When asked who in their right mind would play, Wallet said that everyone over the age of 21 is already entered.

“Every day, we’ll draw one social security number. The lucky participant will then select a number between 1 and 10. Then, we’ll pick a single number from a reverse-vacuum numeral dispenser filled with ten numbered ping pong balls. If the number matches the participant’s guess, we have our winner!”

Senate Republicans have tried to block the lottery, calling the move “irresponsible” and “more of the same” from the President.

Senator Mitten Huckster, who spoke on the condition of anonymity, called the lottery “literally passing the buck, or, a trillion bucks in this case!”

President Obama, however, laughed off the charges as he boarded Air Force One this morning.

“I thought Republicans were all about fiscal responsibility. Sounds to me like they’re saying the winner shouldn’t pay up. If that isn’t hypocrisy, I don’t know what is.”

“Look,” the President continued, “We’re all, every one of us, we are America. America is in deep debt. Therefore, Americans owe it to themselves and each other to pay the bills when they come due.”

Artist's rendition of the potential 'winnings'

When asked how a person like Fetal Farm, a single mother of three from Shanty, Iowa, could be expected to afford three kids and trillions in debt, Obama shrugged.

“I cannot speak for this woman, but trust that, if she wins,  she will find the strength to say ‘yes I can’ in these tough times. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have an Oprah taping to get to,” the President replied, disappearing into the plane.

No word yet on whether the prize debt is expected to be paid in one lump sum or in monthly installments.

Originally posted 2009-03-23 08:58:52. Republished by Blog Post Promoter