“Compare someone to Hitler –anyone,” implored Jake Rotgutt, one of the millions of football fans who enjoy Sunday and Monday night football but “can’t stand the awful music they insist on leading off with.”

“We look for hope anywhere, even in Hitler analogies,” he said tearfully.

However, that hope is tempered by the realization that it took 20 years to get rid of Williams.

“20 god-awful years of that god-awful song,” said Rotgutt, referring to the second-generation country wailer’s grotesque adaptation of his own already-hideous song, “All My Rowdy Friends,” which has assaulted the ears of Monday Night Football fans before every game since 1991.

“Will it take Faith 20 years to come up with her own Hitler analogy? Let’s hope she’s quicker than he is,” said TV critic Foster Peeples, who, like 99% of non-deaf people, experience flulike symptoms when exposed to Hill’s take on “Waiting All Day For Sunday Night,” an appalling recast of Joan Jett’s “I Hate Myself For Loving You.”

Music critic Skeet van der Grunge noted, “Ironically, although “Waiting All Day For Sunday Night” was bastardized from a far better song than we experienced with the self-plagiary of Hank Williams Jr., the end result was far worse, especially when considering the visual malady created by the arthritic gyrations of Faith Hill in an overstuffed leather suit.

“Apparently she still thinks she’s sexy, but any appeal she has left is quickly overwhelmed by prancing vulgarities like Ray Lewis, who are green-screened behind her.”

When asked if NBC would commit to firing Faith Hill the moment she unveils her own Hitler analogy, network spokesman Brad Pumpernickle said, “That’s like asking Hitler in 1938 if he had plans to invade Poland. Let’s not speculate, Why worry about things that haven’t happened yet?”

According to court documents, Mr. Carter has leveled several legal challenges to President Obama, including violation of intellectual property rights.

Jimmy Carter casts an evil eye towards President Obama during a prayer breakfast in D.C. last month

Said Carter’s attorney, Vincent Nortel, “Former President Carter is protected as a fictional character by common law trademark. President Obama’s striking likeness is clearly actionable. The very things that are most identifiable to Mr. Carter, [Obama] is stealing with impunity.”

When asked how trademark of a “character” could apply to Mr. Carter, a real person, Nortel replied, “Please. No one thinks Mr. Carter is for real.”

The suit also accuses President Obama of infringing upon Mr. Carter’s right of publicity – a privacy law tort that prohibits use of a celebrity’s name, image, or likeness for personal gain. “We haven’t exactly figured out how being like Jimmy Carter should ever lead to personal gain,” said Nortel, “but it worked for him, so we presume it will work for Obama. I’m sure there is a banana republic that will set him up in his later years to monitor supposedly democratic elections, which will lead to endless television appearances, not to mention the unwarranted overvaluation of an opinion that would normally merit the same amount of respect as the opinion of a cockroach.”

Robert Gibbs stated in a press conference today that the President flatly denies any wrongdoing. “I’m not sure how Mr. Carter can conclude that the President is encroaching on any right attached to his identity,” Gibbs said with typical smug incredulousness.

“I mean – besides overseeing administrations connected with exploding job losses, skyrocketing oil prices, weakening American influence and power in foreign affairs, capitulation to nut job Iranian leaders, mass dissatisfaction of administration policies among Americans including notable discontent from his own party, tanking job approval numbers, a laughing-stock vice-president who possesses the gravitas of a rodeo clown, and a deeply entrenched sense of malaise suffered by a population weary of perpetual economic bad news and an increasingly flaccid foreign policy, combined with zero faith in the administration’s ability to enact even a single measure that will contribute to reversing the country’s course from a pitiful but inexorable decline – the two have absolutely nothing in common.”

Gibbs then stormed from the room, but not before dashing through the press pool rows and stealing the pens of each of the attending reporters.

UPDATE:

Today, the Obama camp has filed a reply in the case and specifically has asked that George Bush be a named party to the case. Stated in the memorandum in support of its motion, Obama claims that “ [i]f anyone is to blame, it most surely is George Bush.” In a strange twist, Carter joined in the motion.

Ultra Lo-Def TV in action

“We live in a country of freedom of speech. Naturally, that means having the right to watch TV no matter what Washington or the big tech companies dictate,” said Dorphine Yalp, head of consumer advocacy group American National Analog Lobby (ANAL). Yalp’s organization successfully convinced Congress to insert a last-minute provision that requires broadcasters to transmit a low-resolution analog signal simultaneously with its digital counterpart.

Non-digital viewers will still get to enjoy programming such as 'Heroes' and the Super Bowl

Instead of resolutions as high as 1080p, viewers backed by the ANAL proposal will receive their favorite programming in the classic 196p format, featuring a range of 16 colors and up to 8 different sprites viewable on-screen at a time.

“TV’s TV. What do I care how purty (sic) it looks?” said Hubbin Strapps, a resident of rural Iowa, when asked about his refusal to obtain even a free government-provided digital converter box.

“Hell, mine’s still got rabbit ears and you got to bang on it sometimes to make the picture stick,” Strapps continued, referring to his wood-encased, 1966 Zenith black and white television.

The sudden recantation came just hours after the bank’s recent tangle with lawmakers over what one analyst called “spitting in the face of the American taxpayer.”

“With everyone complaining about government bailouts, executive bonuses and wasteful spending, we figured ‘Why not double our money the old fashioned way?’” said the bank’s CEO, Monty Swindles as he boarded his private jet near Wells Fargo’s corporate headquarters in San Francisco.

Bailout, schmailout says Wells Fargo.

“We gamble with people’s money every day,” he continued.  “And in these uncertain times, ROI’s aren’t guaranteed.  This way, we’ll know right away if it pays off or not.  Investors don’t need silly burdens like time standing in their way of profit.”

When pressed for further explanation of the brash and flippant remarks, Swindles simply responded by brandishing a rabbit’s foot charm, rubbing it softly as he disappeared into the plane.

Stunned by the news, President Obama planned an early morning press conference to address this shocking turn of events.

Originally posted 2009-02-05 22:37:43. Republished by Blog Post Promoter