To some, Easter is the celebration of the resurrection of Jesus Christ, a story made popular by the 2004 Mel Gibson film ‘The Passion of the Christ’.

Photo of the mysterious Easter phenomenon taken from the parking lot of a nearby Wal-Mart

“Even though it was His day, we’re the one’s who were blessed with a gift. It’s a miracle!” said local resident Dancy Spackle.

“Praise. The. Lord.”

The phenomenon, which appeared in the skies of the rural Kansas village, has scientists baffled.

“I’ve seen some strange cloud formations, but never in my life ones that are not only comprised of Roman alphabetical characters, but are also arranged in such a way as to spell out a word. And not just any word, but a name. And not just any name either. The Son of God’s himself,” stated Runk Bunkmeyer, Chief Meteorologist for Wichita ABC affiliate KAKE.

Skeptics, however, aren’t buying it.

“Jesus [HAY-soose] is a well known Hispanic name,” said Tenth Lipbalm, a linguistics expert. “I don’t recall of any mention of the ‘Son of God’ being born in Spain. Or Mexico for that matter.”

Local youth minister Gym Upbeat argues that it is simply God’s way of reminding us that “Hey, I’m here guys. Hello?”

“No way. It’s a warning. And it’s message is clear: God is mad at the liberals for electing Osama [sic],” Spackle insists.

While the jury may still be out on this one, one wonders: How much will the famous signature go for on eBay?

Originally posted 2009-04-13 06:00:11. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

The decision sparked an immediate flurry of criticism from observers worldwide who pointed out that President Obama has accomplished essentially nothing in the 262 days he’s been in office, or at the very least nothing pertaining to a Nobel Peace Prize.

Consider the lilies, how they grow: they toil not, neither do they spin ...

As examples of nothing, critics pointed out the health care reform efforts that remained stalled despite both Houses of Congress being occupied by socialist majorities, a “Bush business as usual” approach to the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq and the continuing, decades-long impasse between Israel and the occupied territories in the Middle East.

Responding to the criticism, the Nobel Committee has moved quickly to explain its selection of Obama, hoping that by elaborating on the decision-making process they can quell the uproar.

“Once people understand our thought process, they will join us in congratulating Mr. Obama for this well-deserved honor,” insisted Nobel Committee Chairman Thorbjoern Jagland.

Jagland explained that last year, the Committee challenged itself to rethink the entire concept of peace. As a result, they formed a subcommittee made up of neo-stoic philosophers, left-bank Parisian baristas and board-certified Bodhisattvas.

After a month-long retreat in the Himalayas last December, the subcommittee reached a unanimous recommendation to the Nobel Committee: the ultimate incarnation of peace is inaction.

“We realized right away that the subcommittee had unearthed an Absolute Truth – be sure to capitalize that phrase,” said Jagland. “Right away, it changed our approach as we screened the nominees.”

Once affected by that paradigm shift, the Committee required little time to settle on the president, who was “obviously perfect and perfectly obvious,” said Jagland.

“We needed someone who embodies passivity, someone who knows how to use rhetoric to forestall action yet, at the same time, someone dynamic, energetic and famous. Obama was ideal.”

Even better, says Jagland, is that the non-actions of the president are the very things that, had they actually been accomplished, would be most likely to garner a peace prize under the old requirements of the award.

“He talks about free health care for everyone, about making peace in the Middle East, about finding water on the moon, about curing cancer and about holstering nuclear weapons. I think once he even talked about how nice it would be if we could reverse aging and control gravity.”

“He’s leading by example,” continued Jagland. “He knows his own inaction creates space for action on the part of the disenfranchised. This is what the rest of the world, especially the Russians, Iranian, Chinese and Al Qaeda, so dearly appreciate.

“This selection is pure genius,” said Jean-Philippe Pompeux, a professor of dysteleological ethics at Paris’ Center for Philosophical Inquiry who was not involved in the selection process. “Here we are reminded that as long as one is eternally becoming, one need not preoccupy oneself with being.

“It is not the destination – or even if one arrives at all – it is the journey that matters.”

Responding to criticism from conservatives that a policy of inaction and appeasement by the U.S. will only be rewarded by continued acts of demagoguery and violent expansion on the part of totalitarian countries, Jagland dismissed the notion of passing judgment on such developments.

“The U.S. is advanced; it’s a Western Democracy,” he said. “These other countries are still evolving, so you can’t apply a universal set of standards here. You don’t spank an unruly toddler, you allow him to keep expressing himself, keep bettering himself. Sometimes, things get broken along the way, but that’s the price of self discovery, and it’s well worth it.

“The man who recognizes that, who is willing to pay that price, is a true man of peace. President Obama has the world’s gratitude.”

Originally posted 2009-10-09 13:55:05. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

Specter's recently updated U.S. Senate photo

In the course of his long political career, Sen. Arlen Specter has been a Democrat, then a Republican, and most recently, a Democrat again. Now, having lost the Democratic party primary in the Pennsylvania senate race, Specter has announced he is changing parties once again, this time to the New Black Panther Party.

“It appears that the white race has deserted me,” said Specter, who appeared in black-face yesterday in front of the New Black Panther Party headquarters in Dallas, Texas. “But the good news is, I have found a new home where I truly belong. And it is here with my bruthas,” said Specter, who then assumed the classic rap pose of folded arms, pouting lips, and a down-the-nose glare at the assembled press.

Malik Zulu Shabazz, Chairman of the NBPP, was also in attendance. “We welcome our newest member to the righteous cause of freeing our enslaved black people from the bonds of tyranny,” said Shabazz while introducing the newly browned Specter. “He understands the plight of the disinfranchised opportunist, and to that we can relate. Plus, he’s got a lot of campaign cash left over.”

Specter appeared at the conference flanked on each side of the podium by NBPP commandos dressed in the iconic NBPP attire of black beret, sunglasses, camouflaged pants, and malignant expressions. “For far too long I, and my black bruthas, have endured the chains of oppression, aggression, and repression foisted upon us by the greedy white man,” said Specter, while Shabazz nodded approvingly at the well-delivered afro-centric consonance. “And for far too long I have been forced to choose between either getting elected, or instead courageously adhering to a coherent and steady moral philosophy even in spite of negative polling data,” he said.  “But in the New Black Panther Party I have found a place where the notions of rational argument and defensible philosophy are shunned in favor of reflexive over-emotional rhetoric and whatever-it-takes power-grabbing. I fit right in.”

One reporter asked Shabazz during a Q&A why NBPP was endorsing a white man, but immediately received a pistol whip to the back of the head from one of the NBPP henchman for his trouble. “What are you talking about, cracker? Can’t you see he’s a black man?” No further questions were asked by attending press members.

However, it appears that not all black leaders are pleased with Specter’s switch. “It’s disgraceful, he’s nothing but an Uncle Tom,” said black activist and former presidential candidate, Al Sharpton, yesterday. “He may be black, but he ain’t on the side of the black man. In fact, he’s miscegenatin’ with a white woman! And I think it’s Sarah Palin!” In a possibly related occurrence, Sharpton later that night was admitted to New York Presbyterian Hospital after being pistol-whipped in the head. Police have not identified any suspects, but believe the injury was inflicted by a NBPP henchman, or possibly Sarah Palin.

Specter’s immediate political plans are murky, but he hinted that a presidential run is not out of the question. “This country needs a black president. And it’s high time it got one,” he said. “And don’t talk to me about what’s-his-name. He don’t count. Can’t grow up in Hawaii and Indonesia and call ya self a black man. Gotta know the ‘hood. Like me, ’cause I fought for my bread in the mean streets of Wichita. I wasn’t pickin’ pineapples on some beach.”

Whether Specter’s new allegiance pans out, only time will tell. But at least one person thinks the politician has finally jumped the shark. “It’s crazy, whoring yourself out to any group that will have you just to advance your career, no matter the extent to which it compromises your integrity, or hurts your family,” said famous reality mom, Kate Gosslin. “It’s disgusting.”

UPDATE!

Early this morning, an NBPP spokesman disclosed that the organization has learned that Specter is Jewish. Coincidentally, Specter has been missing since mid-morning when he departed in his car for a NBPP fundraiser, at which he reportedly never arrived. Specter’s family states that at around 10:00 a.m. he left in his car, a newly-purchased 1974 Cadillac Seville with 4-inch white walls and a vanity plate that reads “FITE Y-T”. Authorities have asked anyone with information on Specter’s whereabouts to contact their local police.

Developing . . .

Originally posted 2010-06-04 10:07:13. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

Vila, 62, was the host of the long running 80’s home improvement program, This Old House, where he sat around and did essentially nothing while his ‘faithful assistant’ Norm made exotic, yet surprisingly affordable, upgrades to homes nationwide.

A Cabinet To Be Proud Of

Obama’s cabinet has become a source of embarrassment to the new president as several nominees have been rejected, or have withdrawn from consideration for reasons ranging from tax cheating to embezzlement to general incompetence. While every previous administration has considered the filling of these vacancies to be the first duty of a new President, and typically completed the task prior to inauguration, Obama still has several high-profile vacancies, yet it has been over two months since his ascension to the Oval Office.Compounding matters, 3 cabinet officials have already stepped down, before ever even so much as being confirmed by the Senate.

According to White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs, “Hiring Bob Vila will allow the President to focus on more vital national issues like arguing with Rush Limbaugh or complaining about the lack of a playoff in college football.”

“He might also find some time for more government spending,” Gibbs continued. “He’s really good at that.”

Can't talk now - Oprah's waiting!

The inability of Obama to handle even this simple process has raised yet again the concern that he is a neophyte, and utterly lacking even basic administrative qualifications to lead the free world. Though he began his term with the second highest approval rating in history, his numbers have already dropped from 68% to 56% approval, in only two months.

“Obama’s no do-it-yourselfer,” commented media watchdog L. Brent Bozell, “so now he’s finally figured out that he needs to hire a contractor to get something done. Maybe then he can get around to giving out all those rainbows and unicorns he promised everybody.”

Bob and Norm. Partners? Or soul-mates?

Mr. Vila was made available via teleconference from his Miami home. When asked how he would fix the cabinet, he said, “Spackle. Lots and lots of spackle.”

At this point, his faithful sidekick Norm interrupted and clarified, stating, “Whether you are completely remodeling your entire cabinet or using some of the readily available low-cost adaptive products, creating a safe, comfortable and accessible cabinet is not planning for ability – it`s planning for continued dependence on the government.”

When asked to clarify his statement, Norm seemed taken aback. “You mean I wasn’t clear?” he asked? “It means spackle.”

Meanwhile, President Obama, while on his way to an Oprah taping, stopped briefly to address the situation.  “[Vice President] Joe Biden just explained to me what ‘vetting’ means,” Obama said, “We should probably be trying that next.”

Originally posted 2009-03-16 11:49:34. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

Scientists marvel at new element's paradoxical qualities. And its uselessness.

For the first time in more than 25 years, the  International Union of Pure and Applied Chemistry (IUPAC) has announced the discovery, and naming, of a new element for inclusion in the periodic table of elements.

The most striking aspect of the discovery is the nature of the new element itself, which has been named by IUPAC as Obamanite.

“We couldn’t believe its properties,” said Enrico Patchulia of the Italian Society of Professional Chemists and member of IUPAC. “It’s a gas, but its density surpasses all other elements. In other words, despite being gaseous, and lighter than air, it is actually denser than osmium – a hard metal and the previous densest element known to man. I guess to put it in layman’s terms, it’s really flippin’ dense, and it’s also really flippin’ gaseous.”

Patchulia says that classification of the element in the periodic table was difficult. “With its multiple seemingly inapposite qualities, we actually had to create a new category, that of ‘ignoble gas.’ The noble gases, or inert gases, such as helium, are known for their tendency not to participate in chemical reactions. But Obamanite reacts to EVERYTHING. There appears no set of circumstances in which it won’t interact, and with great volatility I might add.”

While the discovery of this new gaseous, dense and meddling element is exciting news for the scientific community, its usefulness, says Patchulia, is less inspiring.

“We can’t think of a single thing it’s good for,” he said. “Other than being disruptive to the chemical processes in which it is introduced, it has no practical application. So if you want to gum up the works of whatever chemical experiment you are conducting, this is the thing for you. But if you’re actually trying to accomplish something, Obamanite is best avoided. It’ll just contaminate the effort.”

Originally posted 2011-03-31 08:17:54. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

Organizations ranging from respected Christian charities like the Salvation Army to hopelessly naive environmental groups such as PETA and Greenpeace are embracing the trend.

“One need only look at their results and compare them to ours,” said Barthélémy Gaspard Babineaux, vice president for global fundraising for UNICEF, the global charity dedicated to supporting the rights of children. “Donations are down. Volunteer time is down, not just for us but for non-profits everywhere. Meanwhile, one guy in Florida says he’s going to burn a book and people from the President of the United States to the top U.S. and NATO commanders in Afghanistan are deferring to Islamic blackmail. The lesson is clear – extortion works better than exhortation.”

Spokespersons from the Sierra Club, the ASPCA, United Way and even the Red Cross all agreed. “There’s an urgency to get to the most militant Islamic agitators,” said one. “But I think there’s plenty to go around for all of us.”

Most of the organizations said the use of Islamic fanatics will often be as simple as dispatching them door to door with donor forms and small arms but will also include more sophisticated missions, such as mobilizing large groups of them to terrorize underperforming businesses or even entire communities.

Don't try telling these guys you gave at the office.

“We’ve been working on a major corporate client for some time,” said a spokesman from the Make-A-Wish-Foundation, “and they just haven’t come through. They’re always talking about how profits are down and how their employees have taken major pay cuts and have less income left over to give to charity. Whatever – wait until they see the jihadists that are going to show up in the parking lot on Monday. They’ll come through in a hurry.”

A spokesgirl from Greenpeace said late Thursday that the group had reached an arrangement with a group of bloodthirsty Somali pirates who will join the group’s anti-whaling efforts off the coast of Japan. “They’ve officially threatened to behead any Japanese whaler that we manage to capture with their help, and we’re already hearing that the Japanese are having a tougher time recruiting whalers, just based on that one threat.”

“All we had to do was convert to Islam to get them to support us,” she said, adding that the group planned to change its name to “Greenwar” in the near future.

State Department officials have been heavily involved in the furor over the formerly irrelevant pastor Terry Jones’ planned Quran burning, issuing a worldwide travel alert to all Americans to warn them of the potential for “anti-U.S. demonstrations in many countries” and that “demonstrations, some violent, have already taken place in several countries” in response to the 50-member churche’s threat to ignite parchment.

Now, they are praising the ingenuity of the charities’ shift in tactics.

“I think it’s a brilliant move,” said a spokeswoman for Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. “It’s a win-win. Clearly, the global village has concluded that regardless of the situation, the Islamic militants must not be provoked.

“Of course, provoked means something entirely different for the Islamic community than anyone else. For example, placing a crucifix in a jar of urine and calling it art most certainly is not a provocation to Christians – any threats from them in response would be put down with all the authority a secular state could muster. However, setting the Quran on fire in that same free, secular country is without doubt a provocation to Muslims and deserving of their righteous anger.

“So, I think the charities have the right idea in harnessing the dynamic energy these jihadists bring to the table, and at the same time it will give some of our newest Americans the chance to find meaningful work.”

Earlier this week, Secretary Clinton herself labeled the Rev. Jones’ planned actions as “disgraceful,” and U.S. Defense Secretary Robert Gates took time out from managing a multiple-front war against Islamic forces that want to send democracy to join communism on the ash heap of history to get his own advocacy for appeasement on the record, “expressing his grave concerns to the pastor” about the planned book burning.

Even the leader of the free world, President Obama, hurried to condemn the pastor and the small congregation of the Dove Outreach Center in Gainesville, Florida, calling it a “recruitment bonanza” for Al Qaeda.

When asked whether the frantic global effort to coddle the overdone outrage and threats of violent retaliation by the Islamic world was not itself a powerful endorsement of Al Qaeda tactics, White House Spokesman Robert Gibbs put the president in a bearhug and hustled him out of the press conference.

Originally posted 2010-09-09 21:51:46. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

Exclusive! Obama fliming a screen test of potential Travel Channel show

White House Press Secretary, Robert Gibbs, announced at a press briefing this morning that President Obama is mulling resigning the presidency in favor of hosting his own show on The Travel Channel.

“The presidency has offered the President unparalleled opportunity to explore his true passion: travel – or more specifically, vacationing,” said Gibbs. “The Travel Channel contacted him just after, what was it, vacation number four? and pitched a new show with the President as host. Obviously, the President will weigh this offer very carefully.”

Since entering office, President Obama has taken six vacations in less than 20 months, including his latest last week at Martha’s Vineyard in Massachusetts.  He has also logged 47 [update] 48 rounds of golf.

Later in the morning, press pool reporters following the President during his jaunt to the famous New England island asked if he was seriously considering resigning.

“Let me be clear,” said the President. “My backswing is still not where it should be, and I haven’t been to Yellowstone yet. So I have not made up my mind. Plus, I’m not sure even a travel show could match the vacation opportunities I enjoy as president.”

Details of the proposed show have slowly leaked out to the press. As host of the show (the working title of which is currently “Left-Wing Leisure Log with Barack”), the President will demonstrate the secrets of vacationing on someone else’s dime, such as avoiding hotel mini-bar fees by blaming missing booze on the previous room occupant.

“I think over the past couple of years I’ve really honed my craft,” Obama told reporters while setting up his tee for the 8th hole at the Vineyard Golf Club at Martha’s Vineyard. “Every month I get a little better. I pick better hotels, I find better restaurants,” said the President as he lined up his shot. “I’ve developed an eye for spotting the best aspects of a particular travel destination,” he said, as he awkwardly swung into a vicious slice to the left.

“Sure, there are those who will say I don’t have the experience, or that I’m too new to the industry. But they are merely obstructionists attempting to thwart my travel itinerary. I fully believe that I’ve packed more exciting and fulfilling trips into my short time in office than the average American will experience in his lifetime. And I haven’t even appointed my new Vacation Czar yet!”

Gibbs agreed. “There has never been a savvier president then this one when it comes to vacation planning. As a matter of fact, he arranged a splendid retreat for my family in the Catskills that was absolutely superb. Very relaxing. The man really knows his way around Expedia.”

When asked if President Obama should be more focused on the duties of being president – even if he intends to resign, or only serve a single term – Gibbs merely chuckled, then sat down cross-legged behind the podium and played his Game Boy.

Mr. and Mrs. Obama find themselves trapped at a gate in Martha's Vineyard. Secret Service members freed the First Couple 90 minutes later

Other world leaders agree that Obama’s travel acumen is high enough to qualify him as a travel host.

“He revealed my own country to me in a manner that was both informative and entertaining,” said former British Prime Minister, Gordon Brown. “He took me to a lovely Armenian restaurant in Chelsea which I’d never noticed before. The food was delicious, reasonably priced, and Mr. Obama’s post-dinner review was, of course, articulate and enticing. Plus, he managed to get the diners at the next table to pay for it.”

A spokesman from The Travel Channel confirmed that the network has indeed offered the President the gig, and is awaiting his decision. He also said, however, that the original concept would have partnered Barack with another host. “Early on, we thought about pairing him with a co-host. However, Sarah Palin balked at the pay cut. Plus, I think Obama was a little put off that she had more travel experience than he did.”

The President says that regardless of whether or not he accepts the offer, he expects the future holds many more vacations for the First Family. “You don’t have to wait until you’re 65 to live like you’re retired, know what I mean?”

Asked what was up next on his travel radar, Obama said, “I know I should probably be heading to South Korea to discuss the deteriorating diplomatic conditions of the Korean peninsula, or to Russia to discuss the Iranian nuclear build-up, but I’m just not interested in those destinations. Instead, I’m heading to Provence to tour of some really exquisite wineries, and perhaps scout some upscale bed and breakfasts. Who knows,” the President said with a wink, “maybe the trip will make it on TV.”

Originally posted 2010-08-31 15:24:34. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

“There are a number of very serious, very grave concerns about this particular dog,” said Trump during a press conference he called during the press conference he called to vigorously defend his months-long crusade impugning Obama’s U.S. citizenship.

“Number one, the dog is Portuguese,” Trump declared. “What does that mean? Why, in this down economy, does the president have to outsource his pet?

“I mean, where was Bo born? Brazil? Portugal? Guinea-Bissau? Does he even speak English?

“And, by the way, I have a lot of friends in Brazil, I do a lot of business in Portugal. It’s nothing personal – I even speak a little Spanish. But this is America, and the American people deserve to know if Bo has received the vetting required to allow him to hold such a sensitive and important position to our nation as First Pet.”

Donald Trump fends off pesky logical questions during a blustery presser.

At the very least, Trump insisted, the president should turn over Bo’s vaccination records. “I looked this up,” he said. “In Washington, D.C., dogs must have licenses proving they are up to date on annual distemper and rabies shots. As a show of good faith, the president should at least produce these immediately, but I won’t rest until he also produces Bo’s long-form birth certificate, which is really the area of greater concern from a national-security perspective.”

When told birth certificates and citizenship laws don’t apply to animals, Trump replied, “The sooner we can move past this, the sooner we can attack the real issues. I’m the only one with the guts to bring up the trivial issues so we can move past them and get to the real ones.

“Just think – if I hadn’t pursued the issue of the president’s birth certificate for all these months, we would have prematurely dealt with actual problems. That kind of waste won’t stand – not on my watch.”

“The President’s approval numbers are tanking, and last I checked, I think mine are in the one’s,” said Pelosi. “That alone is enough to raise suspicion.”

House Speaker, Nancy Pelosi, describes the breadth of the conspiracy she claims has led to low polling numbers

According to a Pelosi aide, the House Speaker is deeply troubled by the fact that polled Americans, by an ever increasing majority, find both President Obama’s policies and her insufferable personality off-putting.

Said the aide, “[Obama] is the first black president, and Nancy is the first female Speaker of the House. That automatically should equate to approval. Everybody knows that protected status is the number one factor for determining competence and likability. For polls to reveal something contrary? I mean, c’mon. No one can be universally despised, can they? So, yes we think that something is rotten in the state of Nebraska. And Arkansas. And Wisconsin. And all the other fly-over hillbilly enclaves that have turned on us.”

Pelosi told MSNBC’s sapphic sycophant, Rachel Maddow, that criticism of her policies demands immediate action. “We need to investigate all Americans. I want to know who is funding the American people. Where are they getting the money to exercise such rude objections? Who is sponsoring them?” she said. “I know they aren’t making money in this economy, so there has to be another explanation. Frankly, I’m fairly certain it’s the NRA and perhaps Rush Limbaugh.”

Maddow added, “And probably the Ku Klux Klan,” which led to a passionate girl-on-girl embrace (and the first ratings bump MSNBC has enjoyed since the late 90s).

When asked what sort of investigation she is proposing, the Speaker replied, “Anything and everything. Nothing is off the table. Bank records, tax records, even surveillance. Bottom line: We are too important to this country to be sidetracked by the insidious forces of grass roots activism that seek to supplant us from our rightful thrones– er, seats in the American government.”

Presidential Press Secretary, Robert Gibbs, was asked at a White House press briefing whether the administration agreed that Obama’s falling job approval rating is dubious, and merits the intrusive investigation into each American that Ms. Pelosi is advocating.

“I think it’s pretty clear that something is amiss. I mean, it would take a presidential performance of such epic and catastrophic ineptitude to so quickly produce such shoddy numbers that … wait, strike that, next question please.” Gibbs, however, refused to respond to any more questions and instead spent the rest of the briefing shooting spit wads at the assembled press.

Later in the day, Ms. Pelosi spoke to a handful of reporters as she enjoyed the “Industrial Grade Scrape, Suck and Stretch” package at a Carmel, California spa.

Reclined in a leather chair, face covered in an avocado and green tea mask while a likely illegal immigrant massaged her toes, Pelosi spoke about why she thinks there is a conspiracy against her. “Jealously. I’ve had to work so hard to earn what I ha– OUCH! you slant-eyed c***! I told you to watch my corns!”

“Anyway, what was I saying? Oh, yes. I have worked hard for everything I have. Finding the right tycoon. Getting him to ignore my grating personality, my eternally surprised brow, my softball-kneed chicken legs, my refusal to engage in any sexual activity that requires more than a square inch of my body come in contact with his … that didn’t just happen on its own. I had to put in the effort. It took quite a bit of bargaining and blackmail. But look at me now!” she said, as a spa technician plugged in a belt sander. “Basically, I think that if America knew the real me, they’d appreciate how much they owe me, and investigations would no longer be necessary.”