“Compare someone to Hitler –anyone,” implored Jake Rotgutt, one of the millions of football fans who enjoy Sunday and Monday night football but “can’t stand the awful music they insist on leading off with.”

“We look for hope anywhere, even in Hitler analogies,” he said tearfully.

However, that hope is tempered by the realization that it took 20 years to get rid of Williams.

“20 god-awful years of that god-awful song,” said Rotgutt, referring to the second-generation country wailer’s grotesque adaptation of his own already-hideous song, “All My Rowdy Friends,” which has assaulted the ears of Monday Night Football fans before every game since 1991.

“Will it take Faith 20 years to come up with her own Hitler analogy? Let’s hope she’s quicker than he is,” said TV critic Foster Peeples, who, like 99% of non-deaf people, experience flulike symptoms when exposed to Hill’s take on “Waiting All Day For Sunday Night,” an appalling recast of Joan Jett’s “I Hate Myself For Loving You.”

Music critic Skeet van der Grunge noted, “Ironically, although “Waiting All Day For Sunday Night” was bastardized from a far better song than we experienced with the self-plagiary of Hank Williams Jr., the end result was far worse, especially when considering the visual malady created by the arthritic gyrations of Faith Hill in an overstuffed leather suit.

“Apparently she still thinks she’s sexy, but any appeal she has left is quickly overwhelmed by prancing vulgarities like Ray Lewis, who are green-screened behind her.”

When asked if NBC would commit to firing Faith Hill the moment she unveils her own Hitler analogy, network spokesman Brad Pumpernickle said, “That’s like asking Hitler in 1938 if he had plans to invade Poland. Let’s not speculate, Why worry about things that haven’t happened yet?”

Now, he hopes to channel the powers that fueled Vick’s turnaround to drive similar results in other washed-up stars and overhyped prospects by offering an NFL-sponsored regimen of brutal dog fighting to eligible players.

“Michael’s is a special story,” said Goodell in a non-exclusive interview with Wine and Excrement. “The public and pundits alike went from treacly condemnation to outright adoration of him. Experts are even saying the Eagles will win because of Michael rather than despite of him.”

The public’s arbitrary adoration has become a familiar pattern that transcends the NFL. Earlier this year, MLB umpire Jim Joyce blew a call and cost Detroit Tigers pitcher Armando Galarraga a perfect game.

Joyce, like Vick, publicly professed his remorse and wound up more loved after his blunder than before.

Similar tales abound in Hollywood and more are likely in the making; fans of disgraced silver screen tart Lindsey Lohan breathlessly await a chance to propel her to even bigger stardom on the back of a groveling apology.

“Somehow, people who make a colossal mistake, which, in the case of Michael, involved deliberately torturing defenseless dogs to death to earn profits in an illegal sporting scheme, end up more popular and more successful after they ‘own up’ and are ‘rehabilitated,’” said Goodell. “The public feels really good about itself when it can break a guy down and build him back up again and frankly our League hasn’t done enough to capitalize on that and that’s on me.”

Vick, who had been criticized throughout his career for relying on his foot speed to mask his awful passing ability, has suddenly earned acclaim as one of the best pocket passers in the NFL, based on the large, four-game sample size he has turned in thus far this year.

“Not only has the public forgotten he killed dogs for sport, it’s forgotten he sucks as a quarterback!” exclaimed Goodell. “We’re not sure which is the bigger accomplishment, but we’re sure of one thing: we need to catalyze this stupefying degree of public idiocy.”

Goodell said the following players are being offered the chance to enroll in the NFL’s new dog-fighting program:

Reggie Bush – One of the most over-hyped players in NFL history, which is itself a major feat, Bush was a No. 2 pick in 2006 and has yet to rush for 600 yards in a season.

Matt Leinart – Reggie Bush’s fellow bust, Leinart is the most unsuccessful QB in NFL history to be photographed frolicking with semi-nude co-eds and plying them with alcohol. He has 11 career TDs and 12 interceptions.

Eli Manning – Eli put nepotism back on the NFL map, but still sucks. A middle-of-the-road passer, he pulls down a Hall of Fame salary.

Jay Cutler – Another middle-of-the road QB, Cutler throws lots of touchdowns – but also lots of interceptions.

Marc Bulger – Despite earning $31 million over the past three years, Bulger has been dumped in Baltimore, where he now rides the pine behind perennial rookie sensation Joe Flacco.

Although Goodell said he’s confident that each of these stalled superstars will “excel at dog fighting,” he conceded there are “varying levels of familiarity with the sport among NFL players.”

Those who are not familiar with the popular blood sport will be enrolled in an NFL-sponsored dog fighting “boot camp,” where they will be fully indoctrinated in the intricacies of the savagery.

“It will be a fully immersive experience,” said Goodell. “Players will have no contact with their teammates or even their families during the four-week course, but I’m confident that each of these players can benefit immensely from dog fighting, and therefore so can the League.”

Goodell said a reality-TV crew will be along for “virtually every moment” of the process to produce a show, tentatively entitled “Man’s Best Friend,”which will air on the NFL Network next year.

Meanwhile, he sees a bright future for Vick.

“If it takes torturing a few hundred dogs to revive a player’s career, I think most fans can eagerly accept that,” he said. “There’s no going back now, and his injury could actually help him.”

Vick was injured during yesterday’s game against the Redskins and could miss some playing time.

A star is reborn, thanks to the new face of the NFL.

“A reformed dog killer fighting back from an injury? He could throw 60 picks this year and still win MVP,” said Goodell.

Belichick, who famously coined the phrase “If you’re not cheating, you’re not trying,” was at the center of an espionage scandal in 2007 after the Patriots were caught illicitly filming the Jets practice, including coaching signals.

Some accused Belichick of using the tactic on many opponents, citing his eerie anticipation of plays freshly designed in the days of practice leading up to games, but the NFL officially acknowledged only his deceit against the Jets in assessing fines and a loss of a draft pick as punishment.

Regardless, Belichick has been closely watched ever since, and the team’s once-vibrant espionage operation has been severely limited as a result. That, say the Patriots, prompted the famously independent Belichick to consider for the first time an outsourced solution for his intelligence needs

“Our espionage team was hit hard,” said a Patriots spokesperson. “Tragically, we even had to let a few of them go, although I understand all but one got jobs with the Mossad, so we’re blessed in that regard.

“As decimated as we are, Bill felt he had no choice but to try WikiLeaks. On the plus side, it’s free, but on the down side, it’s public. If everyone has access to the Jets playbook, that somewhat diminishes the advantage we enjoy, but at least we’ll be the first to play them [since the leak].”

WikiLeaks, founded by reclusive Australian albino Julian Assange in 2006, operated in unnoticed irrelevance until this summer, when Bradley Manning, a sexually frustrated U.S. Army private skilled in computer hacking, handed over 90,000 classified documents to Assange, propelling the site to temporary stardom. .

With his entrance into the world of sports espionage, Julian Assange has likely cemented his frontrunner's standing for Time's prestigious Albino of the Year award.

Not content with enabling treason and the sabotage of international relations, the site has moved on to the sports world, posting the entire New York Jets playbook online. As is its custom, the site refuses to confirm how it obtained the confidential documents, although sources within the military prison where Manning is being held say he is a rabid Patriots fan, although not a fan of patriots.

In a hateful twist it calls “bonus material,” the site even defied Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act (HIPAA) rules by posting sonogram images of expectant mother and New York Jets Head Coach Rex Ryan.

According to doctors who reviewed the controversial images, Ryan will give birth to a baby boy in late January or early February.

Perhaps not-so-coincidentally, the Patriots are the first Jets opponent since the team’s playbook was compromised on WikiLeaks.

Surprisingly, Ryan downplayed the espionage, although he said he was still “furious” with Belichick, promising to “really kick his ass now – not just on the field, but literally, but not until after this f—ing baby is born.”

Ryan continued, “But the thing’s [playbook] several hundred pages long and most of our players don’t understand what’s written in it anyway. Hell, I’m not even sure I’ve read the f—ing thing. F–k if I know.

“But still, that’s f—ing bush league to download our playbook like that. That’s like me trying to bang Tom Brady’s wife – you know he’s married to a supermodel – and not manning up and doing it to his face and instead downloading images of her off the Internet where some weasel posted them so I can toss off to them.”

WikiLeaks says it plans to feature more sports-related leaks, and has posted a teaser that reads, “Coming soon – the Chicago Bears playbook.”

“It was awful,” the Pittsburgh Steelers’ star quarterback told reporters at a hastily called press-conference. “I was so scared.”

In a statement taken by the Pittsburgh Bureau of Police, Roethlisberger claims he was by himself drinking a beer at a local bar when he noticed himself in the bar mirror across from him. “I saw myself, and I guess I got a little starry eyed. I mean, I AM Ben Roethlisberger,” said Big Ben. “Then I noticed myself wink at me, and at that point I probably should have just left. But I was so intimidated by myself, I couldn’t find the will to move. Next thing I know, I’m buying myself drink after drink after drink. And it just got worse from there.”

The bartender on duty, Lisa Lichtenstein, says she noted something was amiss after she served Roethlisberger his fifth round of two-fisted drafts. “Something didn’t seem right,” said Lichtenstein. “I could tell he was getting very uneasy with himself, you know, like he was getting really uncomfortable with the whole situation. Knowing what I know now, I shoulda seen what happened coming, but I guess it was easier to just not get involved.”

Big Ben struggles to contain his lust - for himself.

Lichtenstein says Roethlisberger announced after his twelfth beer that he had to go to the john. “He said he had to take a whiz, and then he says this: ‘I really should be going, my friends will be worried about me.’ He could barely walk, stumblin’ all over the place, knocking over chairs. That’s when I just knew this wasn’t going to end good,” said Lichtensetin. “But I wasn’t about to try to tackle him. You ever seen guys try to tackle him?” Eventually, Roethlisberger got himself alone in the bar’s men’s room, and that’s when the assault allegedly occurred.

Roethlisberger told police that once he entered the bathroom, he unzipped his jeans, presented his member to himself, and forced himself to perform various illicit acts. “It was a nightmare!” said Roethlisberger. “I was absolutely out of control! I made myself do unspeakable things! Things that will be indilible … indel– … indulib- ….  things that I’ll never ever get out of my head again.”

Roethlisberger says he was nervous about filing the report. “You just never know how you’ll be treated by the media when you accuse a star athlete of a crime,” he said. “But in the end, I know I have a responsibility to make sure this doesn’t happen again to someone else. The nightmare MUST … STOP … HERE!”

After making that statement, Roethlisberger tearfully stormed from the podium, and headed for the door, pausing just long enough to dry-hump a female intern for the Post-Gazette on his way out. Police say they are still investigating and haven’t decided whether to press charges, but in a strange twist, Roethlisberger has now been interviewed by both a police detective AND victims assistance counselor. But regardless of whether criminal charges are filed, Roethlisberger says he intends to file a civil suit. “Absolutely, I plan on taking myself to court. I’m going to pay for what I did to myself, one way or the other. I cannot let myself think I am above the law.”

For his part, NFL commissioner, Roger Goodell, says the league intends to investigate the allegations. “But not too much,” said Goodell. “I mean, you know … ick.”

Originally posted 2010-05-06 14:02:25. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

The hastily arranged conference, which was held outdoors in sweltering conditions due to the ongoing power outage, comes on the heels of the New Orleans Saints’ unlikely triumph over the Indianapolis Colts in yesterday’s Super Bowl.

As originally reported by Wine and Excrement, a Saints Super Bowl victory holds the promise of swiftly and magically reversing the ravages of Hurricane Katrina and the other chronic ills that bedevil the city and the entire Bayou region, including a level of government corruption rivaling that of Haiti itself.

Left, the "Pooper Dome" as it appeared until yesterday's New Orleans Super Bowl triump. On right, the Super Dome as it appears afterwards.

Port-au-Prince Mayor Jean Yves Jason, bellowing through a bullhorn, declared, “There are many parallels between Port-au-Prince and New Orleans: Billions of dollars in squandered government aid money; chronic, multi-generational poverty; rampant crime and looting; unbridled government corruption; official victimhood status at the hands of the white devils; and voodoo.

“We will have soon another similarity – a Super Bowl-winning American football team!”

The Mayor continued by explaining that an exhaustive analysis, funded by U.S./U.N. aid money and donations from the New Orleans Convention and Visitors Bureau and the NFL Players Association, had proven “beyond the shadow of a doubt” that the Saints’ Super Bowl conquest of the Colts was “100% responsible for the complete turnaround in New Orleans now underway.”

When asked to comment on the fact that all reports so far indicate that, aside from a moderate increase in bead purchases and public effluence, life in New Orleans remains wholly unchanged today in spite of the Saints triumph, Mayor Jason attempted to yield the podium to NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, who was not in attendance.

He then shouted, “Watch out for the Port-au-Prince Warlocks!” and stormed out of the conference.

An NFL spokesman confirmed that “discussions at the highest levels” were underway to send a professional team to Haiti. “We’re going to donate a franchise to them; after all, you see how the Saints’ victory has completely and totally transformed the city of New Orleans. A Super Bowl win can mean the difference between life and death.

“That one game turned a water-stained dump to a modern city state,” he proclaimed.

He added, “We can’t afford to just create a new team for them, though, so we’re going to disenfranchise a chronically underperforming team from the Mainland, a team that exists in a city largely devoid of natural disasters: the Cincinnati Bengals. No one really cares and it’s not like they were going to be scripted to win a Super Bowl any time soon.

“Besides, there’s just too much confusion between ‘Who Dey’ and ‘Who Dat.”

“But we want the Warlocks to win a Super Bowl immediately,” he continued, “just like we wanted the Saints to win this year, so we’re going to let them dump the Bengal roster, change the name of course, and draft the best players from every other team in the league. This will guarantee Haiti not only a full recovery, but total economic dominance in the Caribbean.

“Quién ils?” he then screamed in pidgin French.

“I looked that up on Google translate.”

Originally posted 2010-02-08 21:02:11. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

Browns Coach Eric Mangini couldn’t hide his excitement, saying, “Look at her!Her base is so wide that she looks deformed.She looks like she could shit out an ambulance.With that frame she should single-handedly shore up our run defense!“

“Besides,” Mangini continued with a grin, “from all the scouting reports, she’ll gladly take on the double team.”

Capable of shitting an ambulance in a single dump.

So is signing a vapid, brain-dead celebutard just a publicity stunt?General Manager George Kokinis acknowledged that’s part of the reason.“Lots of bad teams do PR stunts this time of year,” Kokinis admitted, “Buffalo signed Terrell Owens; Cincy has Ochocinco.We’re so bad we can’t even start a trend, but at least we can follow one.Let’s face it, we’re in desperate need some attention, and what better way than to sign the biggest attention whore around?”

Kokinis defends his decision as more than just a desperate plea for headlines, though. “Look,” Kokinis explained, “Nobody ever bought a ticket to see Kim Kardassian do anything, and our fans certainly aren’t going to buy one to watch her play football.The Browns wouldn’t do this if we didn’t need a widebody in the middle.  However, we’re also performing a service.We’re employing her in a manner where she can keep her clothes on and she doesn’t have to speak.The world ought to be grateful on both counts.”

Though her resume in the football world is every bit as thin as her resume in Hollywood (and every bit as thin as she pretends to be via airbrushing), the Browns feel that they have a diamond in the rough. “We know she’s not afraid to do the dirty work,” indicated Defensive Line Coach Bryan Cox. “We’re hoping that her desperation will rub off on the rest of the locker room.”

When asked if having a woman on the team would cause problems in the locker room, Cox answered, “With all that cellulite, we’re not particularly concerned.But the trainers have stocked up on penicillin just in case.”

Originally posted 2009-08-11 13:07:47. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

Don't cry for Owens. Cry for the future.

ALEXANDER CITY, Ala. – Recently fired wide receiver Terrell Owens announced his retirement from the National Football League at a press conference today.  Owens, 35, probably has the ability to continue his football career, but as of yet, no NFL team has expressed interest in signing him – primarily because he is a douchbag.

Within 24 hours of his release, 16 teams had gone on record stating they had no plans to hire Owens.  Instead, he now plans to open an academy where he will teach young players how to act.  The school, tentatively called The Ego Academy for the Attention Deprived (EgAAD), expects to open full time next winter, but a limited curriculum will be available this summer.

“Get your popcorn ready,” said Owens. “If you loved me – and I know I loves me some me – then you’ll love this.  I’m giving something back.  This will allow an entire generation of future players to put themselves in front of their teams.”

Classes will include:

·         Destroying team chemistry from the inside

·         Teammate alienation (with a special focus on quarterbacks)

·         Delusions of grandeur

·         Stars, jackets, cell phones and sit-ups – taunting with props

·         Finding your inner selfishness

·         Cultivating your overall diva persona

·         How to get fired 3 times in 6 years

Owens will be just one of many famous faculty at EgAAD.  He has already appointed Dennis Rodman as Dean of Students and will teach a class called Substituting Spectacle for Talent – How to Age Disgracefully.  Joe Horn has contracted to teach several classes.  Tentatively, Sean Avery, Drew Rosenhaus and Chad Johnson are expected to receive professor emeritus status in exchange for guest lecture appearances.  Lastly, Owens indicated that none other than the Queen of Soul herself, Aretha Franklin, has been hired as a wardrobe consultant specializing in gaudy hats.

Another former Wide Receiver, Hall Of Famer Michael Irvin, seemed eager to help.  “I could teach a lot of things,” said Irvin, “Stabbing your teammates with scissors…  where to buy blow within a block of a courtroom…  the list goes on.”

“I’m tremendously excited about this next phase of Terrells life,” said agent Drew Rosenhaus.  “This is the biggest thing to ever happen to football, and I’m proud to be a part of it.  We’ve tried to line up the very best faculty possible.  Not everyone makes the cut.  Just as one example, we reached out to Paris Hilton to teach a class on inner selfishness, but ultimately didn’t make an offer, as she’s not capable of actually communicating.  Not even by accident.  I did get to score with her, though – not that it took much effort.”

Rosenhaus also indicated that Owens considered reaching out to Madonna to teach the diva class, but ultimately decided to hire someone relevant to current pop culture.  Allegedly, an offer has instead been made to comedian Carrot Top.  When asked to confirm this, Rosenhaus answered, “next question.”

When asked for comment, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell said, “The NFL very fortunate that Mr. Owens has never succeeded at anything in life.  If he were to pull this off, our TV ratings would be as bad as regular season college basketball.”

Originally posted 2009-03-06 11:12:48. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

“I first notice there was… …were some speakin problem when I got fired from job at ESPN, where on NFL Countdowns,” said Smith, “but I knew it were time to gets help when I tried to type up my resu… my res… my List of Job. Not only did my word prospector get blowed up, but my computer gets blowed up, too.”

ESPN doesn't pay Emmitt to speak. Oh, wait.

Bellview Principal Orville Burgess originally declined comment, citing privacy reasons. She eventually agreed to the following statement:

“Emmitt is functionally illiterate. The staff at Bellview Elementary and I are pleased to assist him in any way we can. Please allow him the privacy to sit in the little kiddies’ desk without public scrutiny in this brave time and please no cameras during recess. I must admit to laughing when he said that ‘Tom Brady needs to get in his lineman’s behind.’ It’s almost a shame we won’t hear any more such wisdom.”

At press time, this publication is still attempting to confirm that the school specifically banned Troy Aikman from visiting Smith due to allegations that he scared several of the little boys.

Reaction at the University of Florida, Smiths alma mater, was mixed. “We certainly wish Emmitt all the best.” said University Chancellor Dr Bernard Machen. “He may be illiterate, but he’s still a Gator.”

“Unfortunately, there were a lot of things that happened back when Steve Spurrier was coach which we aren’t proud of now,” Machen continued. “Emmitt is just one disgrace of many from that era. A little part of me died every time he went on TV and tried to speak. I just hope he’s really trying to learn this time. He certainly never applied himself when he was here. I’m actually embarrassed that this university gave him a degree. On the other hand, some moron at ESPN actually thought it would be a good idea to pay him real money to speak in public.”

In Dallas, where Smith made his fame, the reaction was unconfirmed.

“How ‘bout them Cowboys?!” hollered one fan when asked about Emmitt. When asked his name, he simply yelled again, “How ‘bout them Cowboys?”

The fan took a deep breath, presumably to ask a third time – just in case anyone within the acre hadn’t heard him – but a mysterious man in a green jersey promptly punched him square in the mouth. The man in green then described his actions as “community service.” Next, he then proceeded to grab the Dallas fans Stetson hat and pass wind upon it, presumably continuing his community service project. Upon completion of this act, he next removed the fans Texas-shaped belt buckle from his designer jeans and introduced it elbow-deep into the fans intestinal cavity, where it now resides in close proximity to the Dallas fans head. Any relationship between the man in the green jersey and the writer should be dismissed as “purely coincidental.”

Estimates vary as to how long it will take Smith to complete his remedial training, but most experts figure it will take anywhere from 4 to 6 years for Smith to un-screw himself. Smith, however, is undeterred.

“This is important to… uh, for… uh, to… me,” Smith pleaded, “Like Jimmy V said, ‘don’t quit. Don’t even quit.’ And as my grammar get better, my writin get that much more better. And if Troy can graduamate, then why nots I? I has to change the stripes of this doggone leopard.”

If YOU can read, you might like Kindle.

Originally posted 2009-02-11 20:13:26. Republished by Blog Post Promoter