Troubled Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger accused of sexually assaulting himself

PITTSBURGH – Ever since Ben Roethlisberger’s second sexual assault allegation came to light last month, the consensus view has been that he is his own worse enemy. Yesterday, Mr. Roethlisberger legitimized this opinion after filing sexual assault charges against himself. “It was awful,” the Pittsburgh Steelers’ star quarterback told reporters at a hastily called press-conference. [...]

Port-au-Prince to receive NFL franchise

“There are many parallels between Port-au-Prince and New Orleans: Billions of dollars in squandered government aid money; chronic, multi-generational poverty; rampant crime and looting; unbridled government corruption; official victimhood status at the hands of the white devils; and voodoo.

Browns sign celebutard Kim Kardassian to play DT

…She looks like she could shit out an ambulance. With that frame she should single-handedly shore up our run defense! Besides,” Mangini continued with a grin, “from all the scouting reports, she’ll gladly take on the double team.”

Fired Owens next move: Jackass Academy

…The school, tentatively called The Ego Academy for the Attention Deprived (EgAAD), expects to open full time next winter, but a limited curriculum will be available this summer.

“Get your popcorn ready,” said Owens. “If you loved me – and I know I loves me some me – then you’ll love this. I’m giving something back. This will allow an entire generation of future players to put themselves in front of their teams.”

Belated Aikman graduation an inspiration to illiterate teammate

…Aikman’s story served as an inspiration to at least one teammate. Backfield-mate Emmitt Smith, who somehow received a diploma from the University of Florida in 1996, has returned to Bellview Elementary School in his hometown of Pensacola, FL, to learn remedial English.