The decision sparked an immediate flurry of criticism from observers worldwide who pointed out that President Obama has accomplished essentially nothing in the 262 days he’s been in office, or at the very least nothing pertaining to a Nobel Peace Prize.

Consider the lilies, how they grow: they toil not, neither do they spin ...

As examples of nothing, critics pointed out the health care reform efforts that remained stalled despite both Houses of Congress being occupied by socialist majorities, a “Bush business as usual” approach to the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq and the continuing, decades-long impasse between Israel and the occupied territories in the Middle East.

Responding to the criticism, the Nobel Committee has moved quickly to explain its selection of Obama, hoping that by elaborating on the decision-making process they can quell the uproar.

“Once people understand our thought process, they will join us in congratulating Mr. Obama for this well-deserved honor,” insisted Nobel Committee Chairman Thorbjoern Jagland.

Jagland explained that last year, the Committee challenged itself to rethink the entire concept of peace. As a result, they formed a subcommittee made up of neo-stoic philosophers, left-bank Parisian baristas and board-certified Bodhisattvas.

After a month-long retreat in the Himalayas last December, the subcommittee reached a unanimous recommendation to the Nobel Committee: the ultimate incarnation of peace is inaction.

“We realized right away that the subcommittee had unearthed an Absolute Truth – be sure to capitalize that phrase,” said Jagland. “Right away, it changed our approach as we screened the nominees.”

Once affected by that paradigm shift, the Committee required little time to settle on the president, who was “obviously perfect and perfectly obvious,” said Jagland.

“We needed someone who embodies passivity, someone who knows how to use rhetoric to forestall action yet, at the same time, someone dynamic, energetic and famous. Obama was ideal.”

Even better, says Jagland, is that the non-actions of the president are the very things that, had they actually been accomplished, would be most likely to garner a peace prize under the old requirements of the award.

“He talks about free health care for everyone, about making peace in the Middle East, about finding water on the moon, about curing cancer and about holstering nuclear weapons. I think once he even talked about how nice it would be if we could reverse aging and control gravity.”

“He’s leading by example,” continued Jagland. “He knows his own inaction creates space for action on the part of the disenfranchised. This is what the rest of the world, especially the Russians, Iranian, Chinese and Al Qaeda, so dearly appreciate.

“This selection is pure genius,” said Jean-Philippe Pompeux, a professor of dysteleological ethics at Paris’ Center for Philosophical Inquiry who was not involved in the selection process. “Here we are reminded that as long as one is eternally becoming, one need not preoccupy oneself with being.

“It is not the destination – or even if one arrives at all – it is the journey that matters.”

Responding to criticism from conservatives that a policy of inaction and appeasement by the U.S. will only be rewarded by continued acts of demagoguery and violent expansion on the part of totalitarian countries, Jagland dismissed the notion of passing judgment on such developments.

“The U.S. is advanced; it’s a Western Democracy,” he said. “These other countries are still evolving, so you can’t apply a universal set of standards here. You don’t spank an unruly toddler, you allow him to keep expressing himself, keep bettering himself. Sometimes, things get broken along the way, but that’s the price of self discovery, and it’s well worth it.

“The man who recognizes that, who is willing to pay that price, is a true man of peace. President Obama has the world’s gratitude.”

Originally posted 2009-10-09 13:55:05. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

Demonstrators have suffered heavy and repeated losses during routines staged in the middle of bustling intersections where participants have been overrun by cars, taxis, buses and tuk-tuks, but its members hope to follow in the successful footsteps of the trendy and mysteriously contagious political revolts that have gripped the Middle East in recent weeks.

“Today Tunis, tomorrow Tahrir Square!” shouted one agitator. Wearing a Bieber mask and clutching a large, 1980s-style boombox, he doused himself in kerosene, stepped into traffic and set himself ablaze, his screams fading well before his melting boombox succumbed to the intense heat.

Vehicles did yield to this spectacle, and his fellow protesters hailed his sacrifice as “heroic” and “tide changing,” pointing to how their counterparts used self immolation to ignite the beginnings of political unrest only weeks earlier.

“Who can explain why several other countries should embrace anarchy just because Tunisia, more than a thousand miles away, did,” remarked one protester. “I guess it’s because people are just lemmings, which is perfect for us, since only that same behavior can explain Bieber Fever to begin with.”

Bieber fever is the latest ingredient in the Middle East powder keg.

After enraged Tunisian youth set themselves aflame and prompted President Zine al-Abidine Ben Ali to flee the country, copycat, regime-changing riots erupted in Egypt, culminating in longtime Egyptian leader Hosni Mubarak’s ungainly exit from power on Feb. 11.

Meanwhile, malcontents inspired by those events are today stoking their own unrest in Yemen, Bahrain and Iran with hopes of effecting similar, if ill-planned, change.  Multiple reports indicate that Bieber Fever may be afflicting the region in much the same fashion, despite flash mob casualties numbering in the thousands.

In Tehran, a live BBC radio interview with a diplomat in the Swiss embassy in Tehran abruptly ended in screams followed by the overpowering strains of “Overboard,” the Bieber remix featuring fellow pop tart Miley Cyrus. Off the coast of Somlia, militant pirates broke off a successful attack against a mammoth oil tanker to instead pursue a cargo ship containing 76,000 tons of bootlegged Bieber DVDs headed from China to South Africa.

Iranian leaders have angrily denounced the Bieber Fever threatening to sweep the already-troubled region. Parliament Speaker Ali Larijani blamed Israel and the United States for the “heinous injection of Western, pop-music garbage into Allah’s hemisphere.”

“When we blocked the Devil’s satellites and Internet signals to keep out such filth, they sent these agitators instead. Death to them all!” he shouted in an impromptu fatwah he delivered against “all things Bieber.”

However, the Bieber movement vigorously denies ties to Israel or the United States. “Israel might be to blame for 99% of the region’s problems,” said one protester struggling to set her heavy burka on fire. “But Bieber is Canadian and he’s not even Jewish!”

“Curse these fuel shortages,” she added. “Do you know how hard it is to set a wool burka on fire with just a match?”

Originally posted 2011-02-15 22:25:47. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

“We’ve not received a single report of any unpleasantries since June 25,” said Leaky Nil, a spokesperson for the State Department. “That is the same day the King of Pop shook off his earthly coils. Michael died for world peace.”

“Hope is born anew in the cradle of civilization, and I don’t think God – or even Michael – would have had it any other way,” agreed Secretary of State Hillary Clinton in a press release hailing the legacy of the embattled pop icon.

Robert Gibbs, the president’s press secretary, said President Obama was “visibly relieved” after watching CNN “like a hawk” for five consecutive days and detecting no mention of Iran.

“The president feels that after five days, it is appropriate to recognize what has resulted from the ultimate sacrifice made by Michael Jackson and the selfless actions of the Iranian combatants in laying down their arms with the realization that there are much bigger problems in the world than theocratic tyranny and the military annihilation of civilians – namely, the end of a pop icon and the question of what will happen with the rights to 236 Beatle songs that Michael held.”

Michael - a martyr for peace

Gibbs added that Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, the president of the Islamic Republic of Iran, had been formally invited to the White House for tea and talks over the future of the Middle East. Ahmadinejad, said Gibbs, would be offered the complete works of Michael Jackson, preloaded on an iPod, upon his arrival.

“Few things hold the healing power of Michael Jackson’s music. Michael’s death ended the strife of a divided nation. His music, which lives on, will bring peace to a divided world.”

Asked if Iran’s controversial nuclear program was still a sine qua non to establishing normalized relations with Iran, Gibbs brushed the matter aside. “We’re still trying to grieve the loss of possibly the greatest man – person – of the millennium. Now is not the time to split hairs.”

Gibbs also dismissed questions about whether or not the unrest in Iran had truly been resolved, visibly annoyed with persistent whispers that firebrand mullah Ayatollah Ali Khamenei was still crushing wrong-thinking civilians in the streets.

“Turn on CNN. Turn on MSNBC. Hell, turn on even FOX News. The unrest in Iran literally ended the moment Michael’s death became known to the world. The Iranians had the wisdom to let Michael’s death awaken them to what really matters, and so should we.”

Originally posted 2009-06-30 18:56:43. Republished by Blog Post Promoter