The hastily arranged conference, which was held outdoors in sweltering conditions due to the ongoing power outage, comes on the heels of the New Orleans Saints’ unlikely triumph over the Indianapolis Colts in yesterday’s Super Bowl.

As originally reported by Wine and Excrement, a Saints Super Bowl victory holds the promise of swiftly and magically reversing the ravages of Hurricane Katrina and the other chronic ills that bedevil the city and the entire Bayou region, including a level of government corruption rivaling that of Haiti itself.

Left, the "Pooper Dome" as it appeared until yesterday's New Orleans Super Bowl triump. On right, the Super Dome as it appears afterwards.

Port-au-Prince Mayor Jean Yves Jason, bellowing through a bullhorn, declared, “There are many parallels between Port-au-Prince and New Orleans: Billions of dollars in squandered government aid money; chronic, multi-generational poverty; rampant crime and looting; unbridled government corruption; official victimhood status at the hands of the white devils; and voodoo.

“We will have soon another similarity – a Super Bowl-winning American football team!”

The Mayor continued by explaining that an exhaustive analysis, funded by U.S./U.N. aid money and donations from the New Orleans Convention and Visitors Bureau and the NFL Players Association, had proven “beyond the shadow of a doubt” that the Saints’ Super Bowl conquest of the Colts was “100% responsible for the complete turnaround in New Orleans now underway.”

When asked to comment on the fact that all reports so far indicate that, aside from a moderate increase in bead purchases and public effluence, life in New Orleans remains wholly unchanged today in spite of the Saints triumph, Mayor Jason attempted to yield the podium to NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, who was not in attendance.

He then shouted, “Watch out for the Port-au-Prince Warlocks!” and stormed out of the conference.

An NFL spokesman confirmed that “discussions at the highest levels” were underway to send a professional team to Haiti. “We’re going to donate a franchise to them; after all, you see how the Saints’ victory has completely and totally transformed the city of New Orleans. A Super Bowl win can mean the difference between life and death.

“That one game turned a water-stained dump to a modern city state,” he proclaimed.

He added, “We can’t afford to just create a new team for them, though, so we’re going to disenfranchise a chronically underperforming team from the Mainland, a team that exists in a city largely devoid of natural disasters: the Cincinnati Bengals. No one really cares and it’s not like they were going to be scripted to win a Super Bowl any time soon.

“Besides, there’s just too much confusion between ‘Who Dey’ and ‘Who Dat.”

“But we want the Warlocks to win a Super Bowl immediately,” he continued, “just like we wanted the Saints to win this year, so we’re going to let them dump the Bengal roster, change the name of course, and draft the best players from every other team in the league. This will guarantee Haiti not only a full recovery, but total economic dominance in the Caribbean.

“Quién ils?” he then screamed in pidgin French.

“I looked that up on Google translate.”

Originally posted 2010-02-08 21:02:11. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

Haitian orphans have been victimized by proselytizing adoptive agencies.

The surge, which saw spot unit prices for March delivery of orphans spike $5, or 20%, came after traders received word that sightings of aggressive bulk orphan buyers Madonna and Angelina Jolie had been confirmed in Haiti.

Orphan futures had hit a five-year low last month as the Haiti quake dumped hundreds of thousands of low-priced orphans on the open market.

“This market has been devastated,” noted supply-side analyst Leaf von Shinglerod of Human Asset Management. “If Madonna and Jolie are prepared to call market bottom, and it seems they clearly are, that gives the institutional investors the courage to step in as well. I think we could be seeing the start of the sustained pricing recovery that everyone has been watching for.”

In the wake of the powerful quake, global orphan markets had plummeted 85%, even worse than the 77% fall suffered in the aftermath of the Asian tsunami in 2004.

Then, as is apparently the case now, a flurry of celebrity orphan purchases closely followed by a wave of buying by asset-management firms looking to time the bottom of the cycle ultimately marked the end of the bear market and the beginning of a sustained bull run. Orphan prices recovered 476% of their post-tsunami value before crashing after the Haiti quake.

“For the casual investors and those looking simply to add a fashionably swarthy accessory to their family, the truth is it’s probably too late to buy at below-market rates,” warned Shinglerod. “This is why it’s so risky for the individual investor and the end consumer to try to time the market. You get burned.”

After the earthquake, thousands of Americans rushed to snap up suddenly available orphans. Not only were the orphans selling at rock-bottom prices, the market was swimming with dark-skinned selections, considered de rigueur at the moment.

“Adopting a black orphan is a great way, in the minds of many white American suburban families, to simultaneously gain street cred, make a very loud statement about progressive platform favorites like zero population growth, equal opportunity and wealth distribution, and assuage feelings of white guilt,” noted Dr. Jean-Baptiste Colbert, a cultural studies professor on the faculty of Temple University. “In many – but by no means all – cases, it is on the level of buying indulgences in the medieval Catholic Church.”

Madonna and Jolie, whose actions, from profound decisions such as footwear preference all the way down to capricious minutia such as religious choice of the moment, are dutifully aped by the masses, have had a major impact on the market.

“First, they drove up demand for adopting orphans, especially exotic-looking ones that project a ‘differentness’ everywhere they are taken,” said Colbert. “Madonna and Jolie really deserve credit for elevating the foreign orphan from merely a proselytizing outlet to a fashion accessory.

“But ironically, when they move into a market, like we’re seeing in Haiti, they often cut off access to the orphan market to your typical end user.”

Shinglerod, the Wall Street analyst, agrees. “If you buy your orphan after seeing Angelina or Madonna doing the same thing, you’re probably buying way too late, if not in terms of fashion then at least in terms of price.”

That’s not deterring Brenda Waspington, of Upper Bluff, Iowa. Waspington lives on a 14,000-acre lot with her husband, who is a small business owner, and her 14 home-schooled children.

“I really, really want one of those Haitian guys,” said Waspington. “I know we should have acted right after the quake, but we wanted to make sure we waited so we could confirm we were getting a Catholic orphan – it would have been such a waste to miss an opportunity to save a child from the fires of hell.”

Waspington said that her broker had indeed secured a child from a Catholic orphanage, but conceded she was paying “seven, probably eight or even nine” times what the going rate had been two weeks ago.

“Yeah, it’s Angelina,” she conceded, “but she’s doing a great thing and so are we. So what if you can do a good thing and look good while you’re doing it? I call that a win-win.”

Meanwhile, analysts have a tip for what they say will be another hot futures market: fertility drugs.

“As people are priced out of the suddenly inaccessible orphan market, look for a return to traditional family planning. We recommend short-selling rubbers,” said Shinglerod.

Originally posted 2010-02-01 21:51:18. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

W&E promptly dispatched its intern to Yellowstone for an on-site report.  After hitchhiking to the park, he reported that the quake “caused an epic disaster of biblical proportions.  If there were homes here, they would have been moderately shaken.”

When asked to elaborate (exclusively for W&E!), he informed us “there’s flooding… fires… the park is in havoc today.  Pure anarchy!  You should see the looting… the corpse defiling!  Real Old-Testament-wrath of God stuff.”

Countless woodland critters just became homeless.

Park Ranger Woody Johnson told our intern, “It’s a disaster.  Fully 1/8th of our elk herd got severely frightened.  It was so bad that a Grey Wolf missed as he tried to urinate on a tree.”

Through an interpreter, our intern arranged an exclusive sit-down interview with Fuzzy, a beaver who resides in the Yellowstone River.

“It destroyed my dam home!”  Fuzzy told us, “And I’m not the only one.  This quake broke up all the sticks and mud all up and down the river.  Every beaver in Yellowstone is now homeless and on the streets.  I guess I’ll just have to stay at the lodge for a while.  Guess I won’t be able to shave.”

Relief efforts are already underway.  Sadly, government corruption will likely hamper their efforts.  During a speech earlier today, President Obama promised to make several more speeches about how vitally important it is that Government “do something.”  Buoyed by his words, Congress held an emergency session where they raised taxes yet again, allocating a $417 quadrillion stimulus package for the park.  Once Federal, State, and Local politicians have all skimmed their share of the graft, Yellowstone expects to see real, on-site aid of 42¢, a roll of toilet paper, and a “New York Jets – 2010 Super Bowl XLIV Champs” baseball cap.

Several famous Hollywood actors have lined up interviews where they hope to raise awareness by lashing out at those who aren’t doing enough to help.  Sean Penn promised to be the first to visit the region and witness the devastation “with his own unbiased eyes.”  Likewise, the music industry has started to aid the park.  Multi-millionaire Sting has promised to perform a benefit concert to ease his conscience without having to actually dip into his wallet.

A homeless refugee elk struggles to keep warm despite the best intentions of the relief effort.

“I’ve called all my friends,” Sting said, “We’re tentatively calling it the ‘Wimp-Rock Schlockfest!’  Moby has been a big help organizing.  We’ve reached out to all the big stars… Celine Dion, Brian Adams, Jon Bon Jovi, that guy Oates from Hall and Oates, Coldplay, Rod Stewart, Ike Turner and of course Earth, Wind and Fire.  Sadly, U2 doesn’t think there’ll be enough media coverage to make it worth Bono’s time.”

Donations are expected to pour in from middle-aged housewives worldwide.

The Monster Energy Drink Second Stage™ will be headlined by veteran metal band Cattle Decapitation, with special guests Dethklok and several newer acts that nobody over the age of 14 gives a damn about.  The rumored acts are Julian Casablancas, Jet Black Stare, Daughtry, and Al’s Band, not that anyone cares.

Back in Yellowstone, the quake’s epicenter was located along the western edge of the park, not far from Old Faithful.  The national treasure, which erupts every 90 minutes, appeared unaffected by the initial tremor.  However, an aftershock registering 3.0 on the Richter Scale threatened to disrupt the geyser.  Tragedy was averted when a quick thinking Senior Citizens group poured all their Viagra™ into Old Faithful’s mouth, clearing the blockage.  He responded with an eruption of unprecedented power and stamina, and appears to be regularly erupting again.

Originally posted 2010-01-28 13:59:58. Republished by Blog Post Promoter