Yes, my name really is Poindexter.

HAMPTON, VA – The eagerly awaited reunion of the band Phish became a bad trip for many fans last night, as police made 194 arrests and confiscated around $1.2 million in illegal drugs.  In addition, $68,000 in cash was confiscated.

The newly re-united Phish, a so-called jam-band, played their first concerts in five years this weekend, and played approximately two songs.  It is estimated that the three concerts were seen by 75,000 fans, about four of which will remember the show.

Hookers In Front, Dogs In The Rear

Boss Dogg

“This is a total bummer, man. Like, wow,” said self-described Phish-head Stoney Crust. “They were, like, laying into this totally crunch groove, and my bro was scoring some ‘shrooms [psychotropic mushrooms], and next thing you know, wow! The Man is totally oppressing us! It’s all a total Nazi-fascist drag, man.”

While police did indicate that most of the arrests happened peacefully, they apparently had to taze several concertgoers whose hallucinations were sufficiently powerful that they were only semi-aware, at best, of being arrested. All detainees were booked and promptly released after being forced to launder their clothes, delouse and to “take a freakin’ shower for the love of Christ,” according to police.

“This is a banner day for law-enforcement,” said prosecutor Gerald Poindexter at a press conference this morning.“Over a million dollars worth of illegal drugs, removed from the street. A banner day.”

Outside the courtroom after the press conference, Poindexter was overheard making plans to use the seized contraband in a lavish party.

“Whoo boy! Jackpot! We goin’ to Mike’s, and we goin’ have a good time! Sooy!” he said into his cell phone either unaware or uncaring that the press corps could hear him.

“Mike’s,” apparently is the estate of Michael Vick, whose sentence was recently reduced from prison to house arrest after a conviction on federal dog-fighting charges. Poindexter was the prosecutor for the State of Virginia who chose not to pursue state-level charges against Vick despite his admission of guilt under oath in Federal Court. He is now responsible for monitoring Vick’s house-arrest.

“We goin’ out to Bad Newz” (Vick’s estate) “with this [stuff], and we gonna party like rock stars! Eh, Jethro!” continued Poindexter, “Call all the boys – we got enough for the whole force!”

Poindexter spent the next several minutes making detailed plans with his friends on the details of the party, which he described several times as a reward for a job well done. He indicated that the concert was a deliberate set-up, and that he fully expected that “the dirty hippies” would flock to the area, bringing large quantities of illegal drugs with them.

He further went on to elaborate that the entire reason for allowing the concert was so that his officers could confiscate the substances for their own recreational use. The concertgoers, Poindexter felt, “would never know what hit them,” and were “too drug addled and stupid to ever figure it out.”

Poindexter concluded the call by saying “we gonna trip balls, [have sex with] some hookers, and kill some dogs. Or maybe [have sex with] the dogs and kill the whores. Who cares! It’s party time!”

Originally posted 2009-03-10 20:06:30. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

Looks like I'm going to need some clean underwear.

“This is unfortunate, bordering on tragic,” stated CPSC spokesman Barney Leftwilly.  “A million homeowners risk tragic house fires – some haven’t even faced foreclosure yet – and all due to some soulless midlevel bureaucrat being too cheap to approve a decent ventilation system.  Worse than that, a good man got humiliated by his own bowel failure.”

The real victim, however, is not The Dependability People, as Maytag® have long called themselves.  Rather, it is their repairs department, which consists of one lonely man – The Maytag Repairman™ – who sits around on his lazy (and now soiled) behind all day doing nothing.

The Maytag Repairman™ granted an interview, but had to do so behind closed doors, as his newfound need to multitask required that he answer questions while snapping home the waistband of a freshly donned pair of (clean) tightie-whities.  Showing his trademarked dogged determination, The Maytag Repairman™ (who, citing embarrassment, declined to give his real name) said, “If I can fix eight refrigerators a day and I don’t take any days off, I should be caught up in about 548 years or so.”

Throw this out, you lazy bum!

Throughout the interview, the Maytag Repairman™ yelled through the wall that he used to have time for plenty of other ways to fill his day.  He took up numerous hobbies including juggling and riding unicycles.  Through all that, he never once messed up his neat blue uniform – until today’s fresh brown stain.  He even started juggling while riding the unicycle, and indicated that it’s much more difficult than it looks – “like trying to dead-lift Rosie O’Donnell.” 

“I also started writing satire for a website, but it appears that I’m not going to finish my next article for a while,” he said while re-fastening his belt. “Looks like that barbershop quartet I was going to join isn’t going to happen, either.  Shoot.  I was kinda looking forward to that.  It was going to be me and Wilford Brimley, with Clint Eastwood, and Gerald Ford, too.

Ah, for the good old days - When Gerald Ford was alive!

When told Ford passed away in 2006, he replied, “I guess they’ll we need a new baritone.  By the way, can you hand me  that wrench?”

Originally posted 2009-03-20 09:06:43. Republished by Blog Post Promoter