Now, he hopes to channel the powers that fueled Vick’s turnaround to drive similar results in other washed-up stars and overhyped prospects by offering an NFL-sponsored regimen of brutal dog fighting to eligible players.

“Michael’s is a special story,” said Goodell in a non-exclusive interview with Wine and Excrement. “The public and pundits alike went from treacly condemnation to outright adoration of him. Experts are even saying the Eagles will win because of Michael rather than despite of him.”

The public’s arbitrary adoration has become a familiar pattern that transcends the NFL. Earlier this year, MLB umpire Jim Joyce blew a call and cost Detroit Tigers pitcher Armando Galarraga a perfect game.

Joyce, like Vick, publicly professed his remorse and wound up more loved after his blunder than before.

Similar tales abound in Hollywood and more are likely in the making; fans of disgraced silver screen tart Lindsey Lohan breathlessly await a chance to propel her to even bigger stardom on the back of a groveling apology.

“Somehow, people who make a colossal mistake, which, in the case of Michael, involved deliberately torturing defenseless dogs to death to earn profits in an illegal sporting scheme, end up more popular and more successful after they ‘own up’ and are ‘rehabilitated,’” said Goodell. “The public feels really good about itself when it can break a guy down and build him back up again and frankly our League hasn’t done enough to capitalize on that and that’s on me.”

Vick, who had been criticized throughout his career for relying on his foot speed to mask his awful passing ability, has suddenly earned acclaim as one of the best pocket passers in the NFL, based on the large, four-game sample size he has turned in thus far this year.

“Not only has the public forgotten he killed dogs for sport, it’s forgotten he sucks as a quarterback!” exclaimed Goodell. “We’re not sure which is the bigger accomplishment, but we’re sure of one thing: we need to catalyze this stupefying degree of public idiocy.”

Goodell said the following players are being offered the chance to enroll in the NFL’s new dog-fighting program:

Reggie Bush – One of the most over-hyped players in NFL history, which is itself a major feat, Bush was a No. 2 pick in 2006 and has yet to rush for 600 yards in a season.

Matt Leinart – Reggie Bush’s fellow bust, Leinart is the most unsuccessful QB in NFL history to be photographed frolicking with semi-nude co-eds and plying them with alcohol. He has 11 career TDs and 12 interceptions.

Eli Manning – Eli put nepotism back on the NFL map, but still sucks. A middle-of-the-road passer, he pulls down a Hall of Fame salary.

Jay Cutler – Another middle-of-the road QB, Cutler throws lots of touchdowns – but also lots of interceptions.

Marc Bulger – Despite earning $31 million over the past three years, Bulger has been dumped in Baltimore, where he now rides the pine behind perennial rookie sensation Joe Flacco.

Although Goodell said he’s confident that each of these stalled superstars will “excel at dog fighting,” he conceded there are “varying levels of familiarity with the sport among NFL players.”

Those who are not familiar with the popular blood sport will be enrolled in an NFL-sponsored dog fighting “boot camp,” where they will be fully indoctrinated in the intricacies of the savagery.

“It will be a fully immersive experience,” said Goodell. “Players will have no contact with their teammates or even their families during the four-week course, but I’m confident that each of these players can benefit immensely from dog fighting, and therefore so can the League.”

Goodell said a reality-TV crew will be along for “virtually every moment” of the process to produce a show, tentatively entitled “Man’s Best Friend,”which will air on the NFL Network next year.

Meanwhile, he sees a bright future for Vick.

“If it takes torturing a few hundred dogs to revive a player’s career, I think most fans can eagerly accept that,” he said. “There’s no going back now, and his injury could actually help him.”

Vick was injured during yesterday’s game against the Redskins and could miss some playing time.

A star is reborn, thanks to the new face of the NFL.

“A reformed dog killer fighting back from an injury? He could throw 60 picks this year and still win MVP,” said Goodell.

Some high school activities groups are hoping to ride the Glee coat tails to popularity

The success of Fox Network’s hit prime time television series, Glee, is accomplishing more than simply bolstering Fox’s  Wednesday night lineup. It is also provoking widespread belief in high schools across the nation that historically ridiculed clubs might achieve “cool” status.

The series premiered in the fall of last year and centers around an Ohio high school glee club. Glee clubs are conventionally known for corny, campy renditions of popular music and show-tunes, often accompanied by cheeky smiles and cheesy dance moves (think “jazz hands”). The Hollywood version populates the fictional club, however, with a slew of hip kids (mostly portrayed by twenty-something actors) and uber-slick music productions relying heavily on auto-tuned vocal tracks.

Authentic or not, though, the show has some believing that the traditionally panned high school subgroup has become popular, at least if TV viewership is any measure. And that has led some students, perhaps unrealistically, to anticipate similar treatment of their stigmatized activity group.

“We really feel we are at a turning point,” said Raja Bhatnagar, president of the chess club at Martindale High School in Nebraska. “9 months ago, I was stuffed inside my locker when I suggested a chess match with one of our football lineman to settle a dispute over the proper ownership of my retainer. But I have a feeling that if I asked him now, I wouldn’t get more than a wedgie – and not even the atomic kind. Momentum is on our side.”

Gilbert Yablonsky, member of the school’s audio-visual club, concurs. “I wrote NBC even, telling them that the success of Glee opens the door for a new show called ‘A/V,” he said while pushing a TV cart down the school’s hallway. “Of course, I think it’d be neat if it were set 2000 years in the future. And people could cast spells.”

Yablonsky added, “There’s definitely a misconception that we are all nerds and don’t –OWWWW! Gosh darn it!!” he said, as his shoulder was brutally clipped by a passing letterman.  “Anyway,” he continued, furiously rubbing his arm, “that’s just the stereotype. Most of us are really neat people. I think the other children in the school would find us interesting, or ‘cool’ if you will, if they just gave us a chance. In fact, I’d bet my Dungeons & Dragons collection that the entire wrestling team would be instant friends if they spent 5 minutes at the lecture I deliver to freshman AV members entitled, ‘The Degradation of Video Signal Transmitted Over Fibre Optic Cables Sheathed in Aramid Yarns.’ Really fascinating stuff.”

However, Norma Munson, the high school’s guidance counselor, is concerned.

“I think these kids are getting ahead of themselves. Heck, I’m their guidance counselor and sometimes find myself encouraging them to pursue activities that are … let’s just say less likely to spark confrontation. Sounds awful, I know, but when a 16-year old boy breaks down in my office in a massive fit of tears and asthma-induced wheezing because he got de-pantsed in the cafeteria, well, let’s just say sometimes you start to consider the path of least resistance,” she said. “Head down, mouth shut, no eye contact. That’s these kids’ best hope.”

Ms. Munson might be right to caution against too much optimism. Even cast members of Glee seem to adhere to the usual opinions of members of their high school’s havens for the have-nots. For instance, when asked whether she would have ever dated a member of the Math Team in high school, Glee star, Lea Michele, who plays diva wanna-be Rachel Berry on the show, succinctly replied, “Eww.”

In the interest of full disclosure, this reporter intended to interview a member of the Martindale Bulldogs football squad, but simply couldn’t do it. Having once been managing editor of a high school newspaper and president of Quill and Scroll, bad memories prevented a face-to-face discussion with anyone resembling a certain athlete that once emptied a bottle of crazy glue in the jockstrap of certain student journalist.

However, from a second hand source, it was learned that senior linebacker, Nick Reimer said, “I watch Glee for the hot babes and the funny lesbo cheerleader coach. But glee club is still gay. Hey, why didn’t that geeky chinless dude just ask me himself? And why is he hiding behind the librarian? What a weirdo. Dude, you know I can see you, right?”

Since nothing else was happening, the referee took a side job parking airplanes.

It is unknown at this time if this “point” is a reward or a penalty, although a check of historical records determined that this happened once before, in 1940, in a match against Germany and France. Germany ultimately invaded and conquered the entire French nation during the two hour deliberation, thus leaving the issue unresolved.

Soccer usually consists of a large number of overly fashion-conscious men milling around aimlessly, occasionally kicking a ball back and forth to each other. It consists of little else. That’s all. Just some guys kicking a ball. While the match technically lasts for 90 minutes, it never does exactly. The referee has the discretion to arbitrarily end the match whenever his whim strikes, preferably somewhere in the general vicinity of 90 minutes. In this case, rather than making up procedures for continuing the match, the referee, Valdez, simply ended the game after awarding the “point.”

Valdez also attempted the unusual step of having the scoreboard adjusted. In an apparent homage to other sports where exciting things happen (and baseball), he indicated that one of the large zeros on the scoreboard should be changed to a one. This dispelled the notion that a soccer scoreboard exists merely as an advertising receptacle and wouldn’t exist at all if other sports weren’t played at the same venues. Alas, a mishap occurred here as well. Though a fixture in other sports, scoreboard operators are not employed in soccer. A nearby janitor attempted to fill in and somehow short-circuited the entire scoreboard, causing 26 blinking advertisements to turn off at a significant loss of revenue.

FIFA, the sports’ nominal governing body, understands that the awarding of a “point” creates several challenges. “We will have to design a training program for this,” FIFA commissioner Tomasz Lipiec indicated. “It requires re-introducing concepts we hoped were obsolete. They called them ‘winning’ and ‘losing.’ I doubt you remember them. Worse, this means that not everybody will get a trophy at the conclusion of the season. I fear some of these sissies might actually cry.”

Soccer fans don't need an acutal reason to riot.

Fortunately, only the United States gets uptight about exposed junk. All three American men watching the game missed the exposure, partly due to Jôãò‘s unfortunate “size issues” and partly due to a sudden preponderance of exposed back hair in the pileup. The three viewers then promptly called the network, demanding both a replay of the indecent exposure, and by-the-way, an explanation as to what happened on the field. This caused the television network to increase their ad-rates, as it meant someone actually watched the program, a first for soccer on American television.

Meanwhile, in the grandstands, not a single person noticed the chaos. With few exceptions, those not actively fighting with each other were preoccupied with criticizing American sports fans for being boorish louts. Those few exceptions had already passed out drunk.

When asked for comment after the match, Jôãò screamed something unintelligible, and then returned to the pileup for further groping.

Now, NBC and the NFL are seeking to further capitalize on the bizarre behavior by making all ads during tomorrow’s Super Bowl XLIII available only on a pay-per-view basis.

Sobered Lick, who is chairman of NBC Universal Sports & Olympics, said, “We’ve observed over the past several years a striking phenomenon among consumers. Many – perhaps as many as 40% – aren’t even aware of what teams are playing or even the basic rules of football. They are, in fact, tuning in for the commercials, not the main attraction.”

Under the new scheme, commercial timeouts will begin with a blue screen with text advising consumers of the new policy. Consumers will have a choice of purchasing commercials a la carte, or bundled by quarter, half or game. A sliding-scale discount will apply, with a cost of $199 for the full game, $105 for a half and $55 for a quarter. Commercials purchased a la carte will cost $19.99 each.

It will cost viewers at least $19.99 to view this absurdity during tomorrow's Super Bowl.

Most cable and satellite customers will be able to confirm the purchase of their commercials with the click of a remote. “Folks need not fear this will require a timeout in their junk-food orgies – we know this is an important tradition as well. In most cases, all it will take is a few quick authorizations on their provider menus,” said Lick.

In cases where consumers are unable to complete the transaction via their home entertainment systems, they will have to call an 800 number that will also appear on the screen. “Folks should have their credit cards ready so as not to miss any of the commercial,” reminded Lick.

Jag Homer Zen, chief insights officer [ed. note – at press time, we were unable to determine the meaning of this title] at R&Y, a tax-sheltered advertising spin-off of behemoth corporate parent WHIP Group, called the decision “amazing … a brilliant exploitation of staggeringly beneficial consumer stupidity.”

“The consumer stuffing his face, inviting his friends over for hors d’oeuvres, planning viewing parties – all for the commercials, not for the game – it’s a bit like lambs running toward the knives instead of away from them, and it’s positively grand for marketers.”

When asked if the revenue from the pay-per-view proceeds would permit a discount of the $3 million-per-30-second going rate to be offered to clients such as Budweiser, Go Daddy and other Super Bowl mainstays, Lick was quick to offer an unequivocal no.

“In fact, we will likely increase ad rates next year, to help pay for the cost of incorporating the live pay-per-view technology into our broadcast. In any case, 90% of the new revenue has been promised to the Players’ Union.”

Originally posted 2009-01-31 15:43:10. Republished by Blog Post Promoter