The brain lock-up error, eerily familiar to daily users of Microsoft Windows products, occurred when a reporter posed the following question:

“While switching off lights and other electrically-powered devices for an hour may indeed help out the environment, won’t the energy industry suffer major losses due to this simultaneous worldwide event?”

The President’s initial response – a signature, sheepish megatooth grin – was followed by a sudden, violent head spasm that left the President standing frozen at the podium. Obama’s eyes then glazed over, staring blankly above the heads of reporters gathered on the White House Lawn.

After a moment of puzzlement, Secret Service agents wrestled the reporter to the ground, later calling the question “a clear, if not until now, unknown, threat to the President.”

Is Obama a Microsoft product? Only time will tell...

‘Earth Hour’, now in its third year, is a worldwide gesture that began in Australia in 2007. People are encouraged to turn off all lights for an hour, each switch-off to count as  a ‘vote’ for an end to climate change. This year’s festivities begin tonight at 8:30 p.m., local time.

“It’s all about saving the planet, one light bulb at a time, er, um…going green, global warming. That stuff,” said Melanoma Nubnub, college freshman and worldwide ‘spokestweeter’ for the event.

Critics are denouncing Earth Hour as “nothing more than fashionable activism” and “an act comparable to trying to stop a hurricane by blowing out birthday candles.”

Meanwhile, President Obama remains standing at his podium at the White House, in what doctors describe as an ‘indefinite catatonic stasis’.

No word yet as to whether Vice President Biden will be asked to step in until technicians can reboot the frozen President.

Originally posted 2009-03-28 15:32:57. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

All this governing bores me. Where's the media?

The three companies have a combined market capitalization of approximately $4 billion. However, due to kickbacks, earmarks, bribery, bureaucracy and other forms of government inefficiency, the cost to taxpayers will be approximately $350 billion. The President, does, however, expect to defray a “major” portion of the cost by recouping an estimated $475,000.00 in cash from the seized bedding of citizens too stupid to remove their money before the government can get their grubby hands on it.

While all three firms lost money last quarter in the declining economy, none of the mattress giants actually felt any real financial distress. However, according to a statement by White House Spokesman Robert Gibbs, the possibility of potential price increases at some remote theoretical point in the future caused the move to socialized bedding.

“It’s greedy and unfair that these giant companies be allowed to operate at a profit when there are people in need.” Gibbs said via cellphone while watching the Ringling Brothers Circus. Gibbs chose to ignore the fact that in truth, the firms were not actually profitable but rather were losing money.

“The people have a right to affordable bedding and The State will provide,” he continued. “The greedy corporations should be ashamed for not considering the needs of the people when they set their prices. I have to go now, all the clowns are about to get out of the little car. I love how they can distort reality. This gag always kills me.”

Can seventeen clowns really fit in there? If it defies logic, check your premises.

According to the statement, The Greater People’s Cooperative Bedding Initiative will mandate that all mattresses  be turned in at centralized collection points, as designated by the local Community Organizer. The Community Organizer will then redistribute mattresses, some new, some used, based on fairness and on the need of the individual. The Community Organizer will have sole authority to determine fairness and need.

At a press conference announcing the move, Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner struck a blow at those citizens who did choose to store the meager savings they’d scrimped together in their mattresses. “How dare these people!” Geithner exclaimed. “Even if you only have a little, it’s unfair of you to hoard it. The People need your money. While you’re looking up at the CEOs and fat-cats, there’s someone out there with even less looking up at you, and it’s only fair that you give your savings to the government so we can give it to them and they can be dependent on us. You can’t be greedy at a time like this. After all, redistribution of wealth isn’t about anybody getting ahead. It’s about dragging the successful down. In a time like this, every minute you sleep should be guilt-ridden, as there is someone out there whose need for slumber is greater than yours, and you haven’t considered their feelings when you made the greedy choice to exercise a biological necessity without first giving them opportunity.  That’s totally unfair of you. Shame on all of you. So there.”

This wounded Iraqi in Gitmo has more need then you.

The statement did not indicate why the President chose to act now, with the economy showing the first tentative signs of recovery over the past week. Some speculate that Obama felt compelled to act immediately because he probably would be unable to attempt the Greater People’s Cooperative Bedding Initiative should his approval ratings dip any further.

Spokespersons from the mattress companies were denied the opportunity to comment, as the government has deemed their opinions “unnecessary, irrelevant, and of no benefit to the working man. Their brand of corporate, profit-driven logic is obsolete in our new modern, sensitive, feeling-oriented society.”

President Obama, on his way to Wal-Mart to purchase a set of DVDs as a gift for the Chinese Ambassador, briefly stated that, “I promised change, and this is just the beginning. The People’s Republic of America deserves this. The era of greed has been replaced with the era of need! This bill will generate hundreds of rubles, I mean dollars, for the working man.”

Obama added in passing as he ducked into the presidential limousine that he would consider it an “added bonus” if law-abiding citizens “just happen” to keep guns in their mattresses and he “just happened” to have the opportunity to “liberate” those firearms “for the good of the people” during the mattress reallocation program. Obama then said that “it would be oh, so unfortunate, to take away their guns,” with a sly smile as the limo drove away.

She gets a Posturepedic®, but you don't.

When asked to comment, Chinese Ambassador Li Zhaoxing said, “This is a startling and unfortunate stance for America to take. If America continues this self-destructive approach, we may have to consider economic sanctions against them. It would be regrettable, but America may force us to suspend our aid until they can be a responsible nation-state and move toward a more moderate, more capitalistic business model and once again act like a sensible member of the community of nation states.”

“If America wants to commit economic suicide, they will have to do it without Chinese financing,” Zhaoxing continued. “Regardless, they had better make sure that all Panda Bears currently residing in American zoos get top priority on Posturepedics®. Pandas have sensitive backs, you know.”

Originally posted 2009-03-26 10:42:53. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

The prize? Potentially trillions of dollars. The catch? The ‘winner’ receives the prize with an attached minus sign.

You could be the winner of trillions of dollars...in debt.

“We think this is an opportunity for the American people, or at least one of them, to truly own a piece of their country – namely, the national debt,” said M. T. Wallet, newly appointed head of the government’s ‘Positive Deficit Distribution Initiative’, dubbed ‘Play ‘n Pay.’

When asked who in their right mind would play, Wallet said that everyone over the age of 21 is already entered.

“Every day, we’ll draw one social security number. The lucky participant will then select a number between 1 and 10. Then, we’ll pick a single number from a reverse-vacuum numeral dispenser filled with ten numbered ping pong balls. If the number matches the participant’s guess, we have our winner!”

Senate Republicans have tried to block the lottery, calling the move “irresponsible” and “more of the same” from the President.

Senator Mitten Huckster, who spoke on the condition of anonymity, called the lottery “literally passing the buck, or, a trillion bucks in this case!”

President Obama, however, laughed off the charges as he boarded Air Force One this morning.

“I thought Republicans were all about fiscal responsibility. Sounds to me like they’re saying the winner shouldn’t pay up. If that isn’t hypocrisy, I don’t know what is.”

“Look,” the President continued, “We’re all, every one of us, we are America. America is in deep debt. Therefore, Americans owe it to themselves and each other to pay the bills when they come due.”

Artist's rendition of the potential 'winnings'

When asked how a person like Fetal Farm, a single mother of three from Shanty, Iowa, could be expected to afford three kids and trillions in debt, Obama shrugged.

“I cannot speak for this woman, but trust that, if she wins,  she will find the strength to say ‘yes I can’ in these tough times. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have an Oprah taping to get to,” the President replied, disappearing into the plane.

No word yet on whether the prize debt is expected to be paid in one lump sum or in monthly installments.

Originally posted 2009-03-23 08:58:52. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

The game, dubbed ‘Obamanopoly’, will feature many of the original’s longstanding elements like property spaces, board layout and a bank but with major rule changes celebrating the President’s newly launched policies.

Now kids can redistribute wealth, just like the President

One major twist: instead of buying properties, houses and hotels from the bank, players will now be able to finance them through a Mortgage Lender (an offshoot of the game’s Federal Bank), paying off each purchase in small installments stretched across 30 game ‘turns’.

“Instead of just a couple of hours, families can now enjoy literally months, years – heck, even unlimited playtime. It’s the game that keeps on giving!” exclaims Shrilly Bettercakes, Vice President of Fun! at Hasbro subsidiary Parker Brothers, makers of Monopoly.

Other changes from the original game include:

Foreclosures – Instead of mortgaging properties, players can simply stop paying on loans, while still earning full rent values.

GO – Changed to HOPE. When a player lands on or passes this space, they will collect a $2,000 ‘tax break’ and get two to twelve extra turns, depending on the dice roll.

Jail/Go to Jail – Jail is renamed ‘Gitmo’ and is therefore closed, effectively a free space. The ‘Go to Jail’ space is now a ‘Yes We Can’ space that instructs players to print between two and twelve $1,000 bills using the game’s added rubber stamp U.S. Treasury Printing Press and stack of blank bills, depending on the dice roll.

“You’ll never go bankrupt again!” Bettercakes replied to questions as to purpose of the added game pieces.

Free Parking – Changed to ‘Free Housing’, granting anyone lucky enough to land on the space freedom from all debts to the Federal Bank.

Chance and Community Chest Cards – Now Called ‘Change’ and ‘Entitlement’ cards respectively.

Examples include a Change card that forces the player with the most money to pay a $10,000 tax break to all other players and an Entitlement card that grants the player with the least amount of property their choice of half of the properties owned by the richest player.

For now, both Hasbro and Parker Brothers are remaining mum as to the shapes of the player pieces as well as property names, including the Railroad spaces, Water Works and Electric Company spaces.

As for the Income Tax and Luxury Tax spaces, Ms. Bettercakes tells us that “the player with the most money who lands on these spaces must pay fifty percent of their assets to the Federal Bank.”

Originally posted 2009-03-04 19:40:37. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

They point to examples like Tony Mosley, who is currently unemployed and recently failed yet again to impress a recruiter in the Human Resources Department of a major prospective employer.  Mosley, 36, embodies many of the same characteristics of the “suddenly employable” who would not normally be hired unless an employer needed to fill a vacancy quickly despite the risk of not hiring the highest caliber employee.

Mosley previously worked as a Customer Service Specialist for the Little Giant Vacuum Company of Walla Walla, Washington and has been unemployed for eight months now, but has managed to earn several interviews during that time.

“The economy’s hard right now.  But I’ve been interviewing.  And until Obama extends the bailouts to individuals, I guess I have to keep looking.  They say that getting past HR is the easy part, but I never seem to clear that hurdle,” he said.

As it turns out, Mosley, who got his job with Little Giant via an executive-level uncle, has made lasting impressions – but of the wrong kind.  Recruiters for nearly every major prospective employer in the Pacific Northwest have rejected him after initial interviews.

Apparently, at various times, Mosley has undermined himself by complaining about his former job, daydreaming during the interview, eating crackers while speaking, and excessive flatulence, among many other blunders.

One common theme in every interview attemped by Mosley and those like him is the belief that somehoe the job seeker is entitled to the position simply because he/she doesn’t currently have one.  In short, say headhunters, Mosley has become a microcosm of incompetent, poorly trained nitwits possessing bloated senses of self-entitlement.

“He looked the part enough, and his resume was OK, but as soon as he opened his mouth, it was all downhill,” said Gloria Ruiz-Tuscalera at a seminar for Women in Recruiting.  Ruiz-Tuscalera was the latest recruiter who declined to forward Mosley’s information to the hiring manager.  “If he’d had toilet paper stuck to his shoes, it wouldn’t have been any worse.  He even had the nerve to ask me if there were any attractive women in our firm.  I mean, who asks that in an interview?  Besides, what does that say about me?  Yes, I’m married, but I like to think I’m not some fat pig.”

Other recruiters shared Ruiz-Tuscalera’s low opinion.  A recruiter for Boeing, who requested anonymity, indicated that when Mosley wasn’t staring at her chest, he practically begged for a job, as his extended unemployment has forced him to move back in with his parents.  Compounding matters, he picked his nose while groveling.

“That’s nothing,” said a recruiter for Alcoa, Co. “When I interviewed him, he propped his feet up on my desk, and promptly stopped paying attention to the interview.   He just spaced out.  I don’t know if he was on drugs or just stupid, but his head was somewhere else.  So to cross him up, I asked him, out of the blue, what ethical considerations the CERN physicists should have when repairing their particle accelerator.  His answer? ‘How the [expletive deleted] should I know?’  The guy actually dropped an f-bomb in the middle of the interview and wonders why he didn’t get hired.”

“At least he didn’t insult your children,” countered Ruiz-Tuscalera.  “My son is in the Navy, and he made a wisecrack about the Navy taking the Army to the action so they could do all the fighting.  I think he thought it was funny, but I was genuinely offended.  The really sad thing is, in a better economy, he might have gotten hired anyway just because anybody better already had a job.”

For his part, Mosley believes that if he could just get past the recruiters, he could impress a manager and earn gainful employment.  “Those HR airheads wouldn’t know a good employee if one bit them in the backside – which I might do next time,” he said.  “At least then, I know I’ll have made an impression.”

Originally posted 2009-03-04 19:39:12. Republished by Blog Post Promoter