Yes, my name really is Poindexter.

HAMPTON, VA – The eagerly awaited reunion of the band Phish became a bad trip for many fans last night, as police made 194 arrests and confiscated around $1.2 million in illegal drugs.  In addition, $68,000 in cash was confiscated.

The newly re-united Phish, a so-called jam-band, played their first concerts in five years this weekend, and played approximately two songs.  It is estimated that the three concerts were seen by 75,000 fans, about four of which will remember the show.

Hookers In Front, Dogs In The Rear

Boss Dogg

“This is a total bummer, man. Like, wow,” said self-described Phish-head Stoney Crust. “They were, like, laying into this totally crunch groove, and my bro was scoring some ‘shrooms [psychotropic mushrooms], and next thing you know, wow! The Man is totally oppressing us! It’s all a total Nazi-fascist drag, man.”

While police did indicate that most of the arrests happened peacefully, they apparently had to taze several concertgoers whose hallucinations were sufficiently powerful that they were only semi-aware, at best, of being arrested. All detainees were booked and promptly released after being forced to launder their clothes, delouse and to “take a freakin’ shower for the love of Christ,” according to police.

“This is a banner day for law-enforcement,” said prosecutor Gerald Poindexter at a press conference this morning.“Over a million dollars worth of illegal drugs, removed from the street. A banner day.”

Outside the courtroom after the press conference, Poindexter was overheard making plans to use the seized contraband in a lavish party.

“Whoo boy! Jackpot! We goin’ to Mike’s, and we goin’ have a good time! Sooy!” he said into his cell phone either unaware or uncaring that the press corps could hear him.

“Mike’s,” apparently is the estate of Michael Vick, whose sentence was recently reduced from prison to house arrest after a conviction on federal dog-fighting charges. Poindexter was the prosecutor for the State of Virginia who chose not to pursue state-level charges against Vick despite his admission of guilt under oath in Federal Court. He is now responsible for monitoring Vick’s house-arrest.

“We goin’ out to Bad Newz” (Vick’s estate) “with this [stuff], and we gonna party like rock stars! Eh, Jethro!” continued Poindexter, “Call all the boys – we got enough for the whole force!”

Poindexter spent the next several minutes making detailed plans with his friends on the details of the party, which he described several times as a reward for a job well done. He indicated that the concert was a deliberate set-up, and that he fully expected that “the dirty hippies” would flock to the area, bringing large quantities of illegal drugs with them.

He further went on to elaborate that the entire reason for allowing the concert was so that his officers could confiscate the substances for their own recreational use. The concertgoers, Poindexter felt, “would never know what hit them,” and were “too drug addled and stupid to ever figure it out.”

Poindexter concluded the call by saying “we gonna trip balls, [have sex with] some hookers, and kill some dogs. Or maybe [have sex with] the dogs and kill the whores. Who cares! It’s party time!”

Originally posted 2009-03-10 20:06:30. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

According to the disputed official reports, the dog’s owner claims that the fawn sneaked into his backyard and rushed the barking dog, named Bobby-Lee.  William Hill, the owner, hollered and reached for his shotgun to fend off the attacking deer.  The weapon failed to discharge, apparently due to Hill’s “forgetting to release the safety in all that excitement,” and the deer proceeded to trample the dog, killing it.

Bobby-Lee, shortly after the attack.

At that point Hill called the police, who referred the matter to the Kentucky Department of Natural Resources, Fishin’, Huntin’ & Killin’ (KDNRFHK).  KDNRFHK Conservation Officer G. Thaxton Showalter says the attack “was an isolated incident.  This sorta thing is rare.  It ain’t likely gonna happen again.”  He further restated the claim that the doe probably showed hostility to protect its newborn fawn.

However, further investigation revealed holes in the story.  Deer tend to give birth in April and May.  By June, a fawn would no longer be newborn and would likely not require that level of protection from its mother.  Also, an anonymous tip revealed that the safety could not have been released as the shotgun, a Springfield M6 Scout, does not have a safety in the first place.

So what caused the deer to attack?  Why is the Kentucky Government covering it up?  Since when does a Kentuckian not know how to fire a shotgun?

In truth, as it turns out, Bobby-Lee could talk.  Such a shocking development seems unbelievable at first, yet now it can be revealed that the dog either escaped or possibly was stolen from a top secret Government installation at Fort Campbell, where a nameless, ultra-secret government agency breeds literate dogs for espionage purposes.

Since when does a Kentuckian not no how to fire a shotgun?

It all went wrong in this case because Bobby-Lee learned his vocabulary in the Hill double-wide instead of at Fort Campbell.  The Hills are a much lower-class breed then Bobby-Lee.  Ignorantly, they raised the pup on a steady diet of COPS, Jackass, The View and Entertainment Tonight, stunting its poor mind and reinforcing substandard behavior patterns.  Allegedly, Bobby-Lee even lapped Schlitz™ Beer from his water bowl and could be found gazing at the cover of People™ magazine, as if he could read.  Despite such obstacles, Bobby-Lee still learned to speak, but grew up into a full-grown (but hardly mature) Gossip Hound.  Other dogs in the program could both speak and read, but neither of the Hill’s possessed the literacy to teach Bobby-Lee any reading skills.  Typical for the sort of failures who watch such trash TV, Bobby-Lee had nothing of value to say, and never learned how to just shut the hell up already.

Perhaps William Hill and his old lady didn’t know any better than to constantly have that crap on TV all the time?  The doe, however, certainly knew better.  With the help of an expert tracker, this reporter traced the deer’s path deep into the Daniel Boone National Forest, where the deer once crossed paths with Chuck Norris.  Apparently inspired by the brief encounter, she became born-again hard-core.  Given the circumstances, it’s easy to understand why she wouldn’t tolerate any such crap from Bobby-Lee and instead opted, through sheer savage badassery, to establish a permanent solution to the problem.

Poor Bobby-Lee never stood a chance against the Norris protégé.  The dog proved all bark, no bite.

The Deer was profoundly influenced by Chuck Norris - and his dentist.

When asked to comment, the deer chose not to speak.  Likely, it not only can’t speak, but learned from Chuck Norris that actions speak louder than words.  Instead of commenting, she planted a well-placed hoof in the backside of the reporter for being so stupid as to ask a deer to talk in the first place.

Representatives for Fort Campbell, the United States Army, the Kentucky State Police, and the KDNRFHK declined all knowledge of talking animals.

Originally posted 2009-06-19 13:23:15. Republished by Blog Post Promoter