The 46-year-old Depp, who this week was awarded People Magazine’s “Sexiest Man Alive” accolade for the second time, was aboard the Maersk Alabama in the hopes of gaining “real life” experience working with pirates. Depp is best known for his work portraying androgynous captain Jack Sparrow in Disney’s billion-dollar Pirates of the Caribbean movie series.

“We warned him of the dangers, that these were not like the romantic pirates you see in the movie,” said Paul Rochford, captain of the Maersk Alabama, “but he wouldn’t hear it. He just kept saying they were ‘his people’ and how much he wanted to immerse himself in his role more than ever before.

“He kept talking about something he called the ‘Pirate Code of the Brethren’ and said there was no way another pirate would hurt him. In fact, he said our entire ship would be safe just by his presence on board and even tried to talk us out of being armed.”

Depp - Futility on the Bounty

Hollywood Insiders speculated that Depp may have been under pressure to come up big in his third reprise of the Sparrow role, having accepted a $55 million fee to appear in “On Stranger Tides,” which is the fourth generation of the amusement park tale and had been scheduled for release next summer.

According to Rochford, Depp stayed in character during the entire voyage and insisted on wearing his gaudy 18th-century pirate costume at all times.

“We made contact with Somali pirates about 6:30 a.m. on Wednesday,” said Rochford. “They approached us in a skiff, and Johnny rushed out to the edge of the quarterdeck and kept trying to hail them, even after they opened up on us with automatic weapons fire.

“Johnny just kept yelling stuff like ‘Ahoy, me mateys,’ ‘Go on, take a caulk!’ and ‘Show me your Letters of Marque or I’ll pillage your poopdeck!’

“I’ll never forget the look on his face when they screamed back at him in Arabic, something about Allahu Akbar, and then shot him in the face.”

Rochford described the strike as a “glancing blow” that grazed the star’s famous jawline before impacting his bombastically massive hat. “They were shooting up at us from the water line, so the round bounced off Johnny’s cheek  and then went up and through his hat. It’s all we’ve got left of him, but it’s got a mighty big hole in it.”

According to Rochford, Depp was knocked off balance by the bullet and pirouetted over the side, bellowing “Avast ye, Avast! You’ll not send me to Davey Jones’ loc-” before being engulfed by the waves.

The Maersk Alabama quickly repelled the attack by returning fire and assailing the scrawny Somali brigands with a powerful acoustic weapon.

A subsequent 10-minute search of the area failed to locate Depp.

“It’s kind of sad,” said Rochford. “I think the guy really thought he was a pirate. But we don’t have time to drift around out here looking for him. We’ve got shipments to make and besides, there are more real pirates out here.”

Disney has said it is already conducting a search for Depp’s replacement. It would not provide details about who was on the short list other than to stress that it did not include Richard Grieco despite an active lobbying campaign by his publicist.

Originally posted 2009-11-18 19:47:26. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

“We’d been considering that angle for some time,” said producer of the project, Howard Schwartz. “Everything about her just screams ‘cartoon’.”

Disney releases first images of the animated Helen Thomas

When asked if he had ever considered doing a standard live-action film, Schwartz said, “Yes, but it became obvious that we could not find an actress repuls–, um, let’s say unique enough to pull it off. So we started discussing CGI effects and the like, but frankly, even with all the technical wizardry this industry is capable of, it just seemed an impossible venture.” Schwartz added that “we could create Gollum for the Lord of the Rings, but this was a bridge too far. Once we reached that conclusion, going full-on animated was the clear choice.”

For her part, Thomas is excited about the project. “I am honored to be portrayed in this fash– oh dear, exshuuze me,” said Thomas, collecting her teeth from the floor. “There, good as new. Anyway, I’ve always loved illustrations, even as a child when I would for hours play with my stereoscope … I like ham … Have you seen my shoe?”

When asked for details on the overall theme of the picture, Schwartz said, “it’s a classic boy-meets-girl-then-boy-runs-in-horror-from-girl-so-girl-gets-an-attitude-of-such-severity-she-is-left-forever-cynical-and-bereft-of-joy’ story. Sorta how I imagine Janeane Garofalo’s bio-pic will eventually go.”

One former politician, who asked not to be identified, had this to say about the upcoming film: “All I know is, that hook-nosed decaying old vulture made a name for herself on my watch. I know all I need to know about that anti-Semitic attention whore, and I don’t need to see her ugly mug on the screen to relive it. But if the producers want some advice, to really capture her they’ll have to go more ‘Ren and Stimpy’ and less ‘The Lion King.’ Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to make a beer run on my mountain bike.”

Film critic, Leonard Maltin, is concerned about the project though. “I don’t know how they are going to cover the last days of her career – specifically her directive to Israeli Jews to vacate the country – in a movie genre designed to appeal to kids. In fact the whole idea seems off-kilter. My kids, for instance, accidentally caught a presidential press conference back in 2004 and have had night terrors ever since.”

Thomas, however, thinks her life story is perfect for kids. “I can teach them that looks aren’t everything. And neither are brains. Heck even lucidity is overrated,” said Thomas. “Basically, I can show all the ugly, stupid, and unbalanced kids of the world that there IS hope for them: in the media!”

Police were on edge as tensions escalated into a showdown wherein demonstrators dressed as super villains began taunting their hero-bedecked counterparts.

The confrontation soon ended when members of both groups began regaling each other with word-for-word recitations of their favorite Marvel tomes, resulting in an impromptu comics trivia ‘slam’.

The outrage stems from entertainment giant Disney’s recent multi-billion dollar acquisition of Marvel Entertainment Inc and subsequent announcement of an all-new lineup of ‘crossover’ characters that draw from both brands’ seemingly bottomless pools of cartoon properties.

Image issued by Disney showing concept sketch of newly announced 'Spider-Mouse' character

“I’m not sure what the fuss is all about,” said Frill Hostel, Chief Magic Officer for The Walt Disney Company. “We’re giving Disney and Marvel fans the best of both worlds here.”

Among the new characters revealed were ‘Spider-Mouse’, ‘Donald Hulk’ and ‘Wolverella’.

“They’ve taken away all manner of inspiration in my life,” a fan dressed as the Green Goblin bemoaned. “They’ve turned yet another art form into a commodity that exploits children’s imaginations.”

“Hogwarts!” replied Hostel. “The Disney Engimagining Team really has accomplished quite something here. They’ve added the endearing timelessness of our most loveable characters to the iconic Americana of Marvel’s pantheon of heroes. What’s not to like?”

A small group of Disney fans – eight to be exact – had planned to stage a counterdemonstration but became frightened and quickly disbanded.

One person was hospitalized after a tentacle from his Doctor Octopus outfit became snagged on the side mirror of a passing tour bus.

Originally posted 2009-09-02 08:00:23. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

“She’s the extreme makeover that the Republican Party needs. She’s youthful, she’s positive, she’s popular and she’s always smiling! Yes she can!” Furnace said in a prepared statement.

“She’s also tight with Jesus. Heck, she could even sing her speeches,” the soon to be canceled ‘news’ show host added, “That’d be totally awesome!”

Cyrus, whose current schedule includes the upcoming “Hannah Montana: The Movie” and a guest appearance on “To Catch a Predator”, could not be reached in person, but did text us the following response:

OMG! VP? How kewl!

Just like that Tina Palin!

Go USA! LOL

<3 n' Smooches, Miley

The former ‘tween’ pop idol and permanent Disney asset, best known as her alter ego ‘Hannah Montana’, could be the GOP’s “ace in the hole” for the 2012 Presidential election, say analysts.

“The absence of a septagenarian plus Ms. Cyrus equals an easy win in 2012,” declared Fearsome Angle, head of the conservative group Elephants Never Forget.

"C'mere..." The current 'official' 2012 campaign slogan for presumed GOP VP candidate Cyrus.

However, one obstacle stands in the way: the Constitution. According to the aged document, the minimum age for Presidential and Vice Presidential candidacy is 35. Cyrus will be a mere 19 years old in 2012.

“The Constitution?!” exclaimed Mr. Angle, “That’s a good one.” He then quickly walked away and was heard laughing hysterically in a nearby restroom.

“Old enough to breed, old enough to lead! That’s what I say! Aw haw!” said has-been country star Billy Ray Cyrus, who fully supports his daughter’s ‘decision’.

Originally posted 2009-03-31 12:36:38. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

Usually, though, it’s Disney that’s  sitting in the plaintiff’s seat.  That’s the case with their current legal embroilment, which involves a U.K. reborn doll artist, currently known as Mrs. X, who has been using the name of a trademarked Disney character in her business name for years.

“Unfortunately, we are not able to reveal the name of the cartoon in dispute just yet,” said Disney spokesperson George Arden. “The owner of the business in question has been successful in procuring a gag order that forces us to remain silent until the proceedings have ended.  Apparently, she thinks she’s going to win this one and doesn’t want the publicity to negatively impact the sales of her outrageously priced collectibles.  So, at this point, all we can say is that the unnamed cartoon has been a representative of the magic of Disney for over 50 years.”

Arden says Disney was first made aware of the possible infringement in 2006, when a series of magazines printed stories about the doll artist and her reborn nursery.  “We were surprised at how difficult it became to track this woman down.  Even though we knew her name and her location, every time we’d get close, she’d slip away.  It turns out that Mrs. X is quite an accomplished photoshopper.  She photoshopped everything from addresses on file, to her business name, to publicity photos of herself.  She was skilled at repeatedly changing one small detail after another, until our legal team felt like it was chasing a ghost.  At one point, she even photoshopped the street she lived on, turning it into a river.  When our team came back with boats, they found that the river had been photoshopped into a path of molten lava.  It became very frustrating.”

It wasn’t until brilliant legal mind Pillow Spawn, Esquire stepped forward to offer her services that Disney was able to locate the woman in question.  “Ms. Spawn has more experience in writing cease and desist letters than any other person we know,” said Disney attorney, Wesley Smalls.  “She also has an acutely developed persecution complex.  By channeling her powers of paranoia, Ms. Spawn was able to visualize where Mrs. X was hiding.”

“It was easy,” says Spawn.  “I know what it’s like to have the whole world after you, to be jealous of you, to want what you have,”  said Spawn.  “I used my powers to locate Mrs. X.  It turns out she was hiding snugly betwixt the ass cheeks of one Mr. Swollen BlueComb.”

The trial is set to begin in May, but Disney expects the defense to request a string of continuances, pushing the realistic start date of the proceedings until the fall.