Specter's recently updated U.S. Senate photo

In the course of his long political career, Sen. Arlen Specter has been a Democrat, then a Republican, and most recently, a Democrat again. Now, having lost the Democratic party primary in the Pennsylvania senate race, Specter has announced he is changing parties once again, this time to the New Black Panther Party.

“It appears that the white race has deserted me,” said Specter, who appeared in black-face yesterday in front of the New Black Panther Party headquarters in Dallas, Texas. “But the good news is, I have found a new home where I truly belong. And it is here with my bruthas,” said Specter, who then assumed the classic rap pose of folded arms, pouting lips, and a down-the-nose glare at the assembled press.

Malik Zulu Shabazz, Chairman of the NBPP, was also in attendance. “We welcome our newest member to the righteous cause of freeing our enslaved black people from the bonds of tyranny,” said Shabazz while introducing the newly browned Specter. “He understands the plight of the disinfranchised opportunist, and to that we can relate. Plus, he’s got a lot of campaign cash left over.”

Specter appeared at the conference flanked on each side of the podium by NBPP commandos dressed in the iconic NBPP attire of black beret, sunglasses, camouflaged pants, and malignant expressions. “For far too long I, and my black bruthas, have endured the chains of oppression, aggression, and repression foisted upon us by the greedy white man,” said Specter, while Shabazz nodded approvingly at the well-delivered afro-centric consonance. “And for far too long I have been forced to choose between either getting elected, or instead courageously adhering to a coherent and steady moral philosophy even in spite of negative polling data,” he said.  “But in the New Black Panther Party I have found a place where the notions of rational argument and defensible philosophy are shunned in favor of reflexive over-emotional rhetoric and whatever-it-takes power-grabbing. I fit right in.”

One reporter asked Shabazz during a Q&A why NBPP was endorsing a white man, but immediately received a pistol whip to the back of the head from one of the NBPP henchman for his trouble. “What are you talking about, cracker? Can’t you see he’s a black man?” No further questions were asked by attending press members.

However, it appears that not all black leaders are pleased with Specter’s switch. “It’s disgraceful, he’s nothing but an Uncle Tom,” said black activist and former presidential candidate, Al Sharpton, yesterday. “He may be black, but he ain’t on the side of the black man. In fact, he’s miscegenatin’ with a white woman! And I think it’s Sarah Palin!” In a possibly related occurrence, Sharpton later that night was admitted to New York Presbyterian Hospital after being pistol-whipped in the head. Police have not identified any suspects, but believe the injury was inflicted by a NBPP henchman, or possibly Sarah Palin.

Specter’s immediate political plans are murky, but he hinted that a presidential run is not out of the question. “This country needs a black president. And it’s high time it got one,” he said. “And don’t talk to me about what’s-his-name. He don’t count. Can’t grow up in Hawaii and Indonesia and call ya self a black man. Gotta know the ‘hood. Like me, ’cause I fought for my bread in the mean streets of Wichita. I wasn’t pickin’ pineapples on some beach.”

Whether Specter’s new allegiance pans out, only time will tell. But at least one person thinks the politician has finally jumped the shark. “It’s crazy, whoring yourself out to any group that will have you just to advance your career, no matter the extent to which it compromises your integrity, or hurts your family,” said famous reality mom, Kate Gosslin. “It’s disgusting.”

UPDATE!

Early this morning, an NBPP spokesman disclosed that the organization has learned that Specter is Jewish. Coincidentally, Specter has been missing since mid-morning when he departed in his car for a NBPP fundraiser, at which he reportedly never arrived. Specter’s family states that at around 10:00 a.m. he left in his car, a newly-purchased 1974 Cadillac Seville with 4-inch white walls and a vanity plate that reads “FITE Y-T”. Authorities have asked anyone with information on Specter’s whereabouts to contact their local police.

Developing . . .

Originally posted 2010-06-04 10:07:13. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

Former Vice President, Al Gore, preening before a night out on the town

“It starts off pretty deadpan,” said lead investigator, Paul Pearson. “You know, typical droning Al Gore stuff. It’s the reason why we didn’t release it until now. We just couldn’t force ourselves to sit through it. But by the end, he’s off the deep end. You’d think he was accusing her of betraying the country.”

A spokesperson for the former Vice President and failed candidate of at least three Presidential election counts said in a written statement that Gore denies the authenticity of the recording. “The issue is decided. There can be no more debate. It doesn’t matter that there is contradictory evidence, or suspicion of foul play,” read the statement.

Below is the full release of the transcript, with “W” as the “Woman” and “A” as Al Gore:

[BEGIN TRANSCRIPT]

[sound of phone picked up]
W:  Hello?
[sound of heavy breathing]
W:  Helllloooo??
A:  I’m very disappointed in you.
W:  Who is this?
A:  You should know that I can’t be toyed with.
W:  Is this Ben Stein?
A:  I — what? No! No, it’s not Ben Stein. Ben Stei– why in the world would you think–
W:  Cause you sound like Ben Stein. Or someone on quaaludes.
A:  Look, I haven’t been on quaaludes since 1974 when Tipper and I–
W:  OH! It’s you Al. Hey, I thought I told you not to call me any more, you freak.
A:  As I was saying, I’m very disappoint–
W:  Look, I told you I don’t want anything to do with you.
A:  Well, that’s unfortunate. You should know I’m a very powerful man –
W:  Phhhttt … You have man breasts.
A:  — and I could — seriously? That’s not very nice. You should show some respect, I’m old enough to be your father, young lady and–
W:  Ewwww!
A:  Now, there you go again, that’s not very polite.
M:  What’s not polite is you groping my ass with those praying mantis pinchers you call hands. Did you know you left a bruise, you pointy-fingered troll?
A:  I was just trying to– really? A bruise? [chuckles]. I AM pretty powerful aren’t I …
W:  No, you’re a flippin’ lunatic! I always thought you were ASEXUAL! But my friends said you’d eventually get around to making a move on me, and I thought “no way, that dude?” I thought they were full of it.
A:  Which friends? Do I know them? What else did they say about me?
W:  Ha! As if I’m tellin you.
A:  Well, I think if you had just given me a chance, you’d find that I’m quite the sexy gentleman–
W:  Really? REALLY?? C’mon, Al. Everyone saw you kiss that bloated wife of yours at the convention! It was horrifying! It looked like her face was being eaten by a giant number two pencil. Disgusting.
A:  What! That was a passionate embrace! Didn’t you see how I swept her up in my arms? Ya know, I could sweep you up in my arms the same way–
W:  Ugh! Quit it! Do you honestly think I would let you within two feet of me now, you, you–
A:  Now, let’s calm down here –
W:  — you freakin’ TIN MAN!!
A:  I was just — what? What did you call me? [louder] What did you just say?!?
W:  Tin man!
A:  Stop tha-
W:  TIN MAN!
A:  I said–
W:  TIN MAN! TIN MAN! TIN MAN!
A:  All right you little middle-class tart! That’s ENOUGH!
W:  [singing] If I only had a heaaaaaart…
A:  You’ve left me no choice! I told you I’ve got connections, you’re gonna pay for this! Nobody talks to me like this! I’ll have you taken care of, that’s right, put you in a … a … uhhh … a LOCKBOX! Yeah, a LOCKBOX! You see, right now you’re not in a lockbox, because the lockbox doesn’t exist, but there should be one, and there will be one, and you’ll be in that lockbox when I’m through with–
W:  Are you threatening me, you old geezer?
A:  Oh, it’s no threat! I’ll do it! And you know what? I’ll fill that lockbox with all kinds of nasty things, hydrofluorocarbons … and, and styrofoam cups … and, uh, incadescent lightbulbs! You’ll get WARMED to death! Slowly! And over time! But oh, yes! It WILL happen, and then you’ll say to yourself “gosh, he was right! I didn’t believe him, but it happened just like he said–”
W:  [laughing]
A:  What? You think that’s funny? You think I’m just making this stuff up? [shouting] I AM THE ALPHA MALE, BABY!!!
W:  [uncontrollable laughing]
A:  Stop laughing at me! Stop–
[sound of receiver being hung up followed by dial tone]
– hello? hello?

[END TRANSCRIPT]

Gore "persuading" an audience of global warming skeptics earlier this year

One of the woman’s friends is evidently the source of the recording. Speaking on the condition of anonymity, she stated that more recordings are in her possession. “That was just the first one. He called several more times and was as clueless in all of them. It was weird, like he just couldn’t get over being rejected. It was as if he thought that the NEXT time he called her would be different, no matter how many times he was swatted down. Creepy, really, the way he denied reality.”

Police are still investigating the allegations. However, recently the alleged victim failed a lie detector test.

“Well, I’m not sure what to make of that,” said Pearson. “During the session, every time we asked her to describe the sexual advances he perpetrated on her, she just broke down. Not crying, mind you, but in hysterical fits of laughter. We think that may have skewed the results.”

While many complain that the Supreme Court is far too white, or too Catholic, or too male, Obama explained in a press conference that he instead felt the court was too gender-identifiable.

“Look,” said the President, “we’ve got these men and women on the court that we all knew from the start were men or women. Well, except for Sotomayor, but then she outed herself as a wise Latina woman. But who is representing this country’s androgynous population? Who will speak for ‘Pat’?” he said, referring to the recurring Saturday Night Live character portrayed as indistinguishable as male or female.

The response to Obama’s nominee has been mixed on both sides of the aisle.

“I thought we knew it was a she? She’s a lesbian, right?” said Democratic Senator, Patrick Leahy. “No,” disagreed fellow Democrat, Tom Harkin. “It’s clearly a he. I saw bulge. At least I think I saw bulge . . .oh don’t look at me like that, I meant his ADAM’S APPLE you twit!”

On the Republican side, Indiana Congressman, Mike Pence, couldn’t stop laughing long enough to provide W&E a response, but Senator Richard Boehner offered that “ be it man, woman, or mutant, we will oppose its nomination on the principled grounds that it’s crazy as a cuckoo clock.”

With curiosity boiling over, the Senate Judiciary Committee even altered the standard questionnaire that is completed by all prospective SCOTUS jurists prior to confirmation hearings. “We asked whether Kagan pees standing up, for instance,” said California Representative, Diane Feinstein. “Kagan responded ‘Yes.’ However, the nominee also complained of arthritic knees and finds sitting uncomfortable. So that was no help.”

Washington isn’t the only group exploring the new nominee’s status. Hollywood and the entertainment industry are also weighing in. For instance, the Indigo Girls and Sir Elton John have posted on their Twitter accounts which chromosomes Kagan possesses. While they came down with different answers, each agreed Kagan is homosexual. “He’s clearly a gay male, you can tell by his hands,” said John, while Indigo Girl, Emily Saliers (the redhead) countered that “she is most definitely a lesbian, of the stout variety. See the haircut?”

However, Anne Heche and Jodie Foster issued a joint statement declaring Kagan’s gender immaterial when judging the qualifications of a potential Supreme Court justice. “We condemn the discriminatory and offensive commentary being expressed about Kagan. What difference does it really make? Sometimes what you are on the inside is different than the outside, or vice versa, and sometimes you don’t know what’s on the inside until you explore the outside, or maybe you have to explore your insides before your outside catches up, or maybe you simply have no clue what’s inside OR outside but if you try enough things and meet enough people, something will just come to you.”

Congress stumped by SCOTUS nominee

On what kind of judge Kagan will make, experts claim it is impossible to tell given the dearth of material to examine. “Kagan’s legal philosophy is as indiscernible as Kagan’s gender,” said Constitutional scholar, Michael McFeely. “And who knows where she – or is it he? ugh – will fall on women’s issues, or men’s issues, or gay issues, or transgender issues, or … or on any issues, really. I’m not sure we can even rule out a special affinity for animal rights at this point,” McFeely shrugged.

The President, however, seemed unfazed by the rampant speculation surrounding his nominee’s legal stances, and his/her gender. “Kagan is qualified precisely BECAUSE of that ambiguity. Let me be clear – actually let me not be clear in this case, because I don’t think I can be clear, but the bottom line is Democrats should be happy to have a special interest represented on the court, even if we don’t know what that interest is, and the Republicans should be happy because Kagan represents the middle. Maybe not ideologically, but perhaps anatomically.”

Originally posted 2010-05-11 16:11:25. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi pointed out several examples of what she called “shocking, senseless and sinister displays of misguided independence.”

The Federal Government: gone but not forgotten.

“Wal-Mart is still open,” she noted. “The Grand Canyon is still there. I read that Duke beat North Carolina last night – I am shocked at the waste of energy and resources in the reckless pursuit of frivolous play even as the all-providing hand of government has been stilled.”

When told that FedEx, UPS and even the U.S. Postal service were still operating throughout all 50 states, she began sobbing, saying, “Please, please don’t make me check my premise.”

Similar anguish was expressed throughout all levels of government, from the president’s office down to rank-and-file democrats who wanted to keep running even after the wheel had stopped.

Josiah Mutterpuhl, a mid-level attorney at the Federal Interagency Committee for the Management of Noxious and Exotic Weeds (FICMNEW), was in tears after being rescued by the Washington Fire Department nearly 40 feet from his Georgetown brownstone.

“It’s so awful,” he said. “Four days without work and no car service since I rely on my staff to arrange that. Even the nanny didn’t show up. How am I supposed to know what to feed a child? Where’s the National Guard? Where’s our military when we really need them and how can life possibly continue as if it’s no big deal that the Federal Government is not here to tell everybody what to do?”

Tim Kaine, chairman of the Democratic National Committee, conceded his party would have to “reassess the apparent gap between reality and our party’s position” following an embarrassing gaffe on national television earlier in the week during an interview with CNN’s hoary, lion-haired anchor Wolf Blitzer on the eve of the blizzard.

“Wolf, I must warn our conservative friends on the threshold of ‘Snowpacalypse’* to be careful what they wish for,” said Kaine soberly. “For far too long we’ve heard them brazenly pine for a smaller, less powerful Federal Government. Well, if we have to shut down for these next few days, they’re going to learn the hard way just how difficult life becomes without a strong, centrally planned Federal Government to lead the way.”

Kaine said he became increasingly uneasy over the following four days as lives continued throughout the country unhindered by the hibernation of the Federal Government.

“I began fearing I might have to eat my words,” he said. “I’ve eaten lots of my words throughout my career, and trust me, they don’t taste good.

“When I woke up this morning and we still had power and the networks were still broadcasting, I was dumbfounded. How can they do this for four straight days without us?

“Then I saw that during those four days, the DOW posted a 756.43% Compound Annual Growth Rate. I knew then that this would not be helpful to our experiment of building a socialist America.”

Sill, Kaine hinted there may be hope.

“There’s no doubt in my mind that the only reason things have held together is the excellent emergency-response plan we put together. The challenge now is to make sure folks realize this and to turn this into an opportunity to grow the government.

“After all, next time it might be a lot longer than four days.”

*“Snowpacalypse” has been nominated as the year’s most obnoxious made-up word, even though it’s only February. While impossible to conceive of at the moment, an even worse specimen may emerge as the year progresses. If this occurs, the real apocalypse is likely upon us.

Originally posted 2010-02-11 20:57:45. Republished by Blog Post Promoter