Former Vice President, Al Gore, preening before a night out on the town

“It starts off pretty deadpan,” said lead investigator, Paul Pearson. “You know, typical droning Al Gore stuff. It’s the reason why we didn’t release it until now. We just couldn’t force ourselves to sit through it. But by the end, he’s off the deep end. You’d think he was accusing her of betraying the country.”

A spokesperson for the former Vice President and failed candidate of at least three Presidential election counts said in a written statement that Gore denies the authenticity of the recording. “The issue is decided. There can be no more debate. It doesn’t matter that there is contradictory evidence, or suspicion of foul play,” read the statement.

Below is the full release of the transcript, with “W” as the “Woman” and “A” as Al Gore:

[BEGIN TRANSCRIPT]

[sound of phone picked up]
W:  Hello?
[sound of heavy breathing]
W:  Helllloooo??
A:  I’m very disappointed in you.
W:  Who is this?
A:  You should know that I can’t be toyed with.
W:  Is this Ben Stein?
A:  I — what? No! No, it’s not Ben Stein. Ben Stei– why in the world would you think–
W:  Cause you sound like Ben Stein. Or someone on quaaludes.
A:  Look, I haven’t been on quaaludes since 1974 when Tipper and I–
W:  OH! It’s you Al. Hey, I thought I told you not to call me any more, you freak.
A:  As I was saying, I’m very disappoint–
W:  Look, I told you I don’t want anything to do with you.
A:  Well, that’s unfortunate. You should know I’m a very powerful man –
W:  Phhhttt … You have man breasts.
A:  — and I could — seriously? That’s not very nice. You should show some respect, I’m old enough to be your father, young lady and–
W:  Ewwww!
A:  Now, there you go again, that’s not very polite.
M:  What’s not polite is you groping my ass with those praying mantis pinchers you call hands. Did you know you left a bruise, you pointy-fingered troll?
A:  I was just trying to– really? A bruise? [chuckles]. I AM pretty powerful aren’t I …
W:  No, you’re a flippin’ lunatic! I always thought you were ASEXUAL! But my friends said you’d eventually get around to making a move on me, and I thought “no way, that dude?” I thought they were full of it.
A:  Which friends? Do I know them? What else did they say about me?
W:  Ha! As if I’m tellin you.
A:  Well, I think if you had just given me a chance, you’d find that I’m quite the sexy gentleman–
W:  Really? REALLY?? C’mon, Al. Everyone saw you kiss that bloated wife of yours at the convention! It was horrifying! It looked like her face was being eaten by a giant number two pencil. Disgusting.
A:  What! That was a passionate embrace! Didn’t you see how I swept her up in my arms? Ya know, I could sweep you up in my arms the same way–
W:  Ugh! Quit it! Do you honestly think I would let you within two feet of me now, you, you–
A:  Now, let’s calm down here –
W:  — you freakin’ TIN MAN!!
A:  I was just — what? What did you call me? [louder] What did you just say?!?
W:  Tin man!
A:  Stop tha-
W:  TIN MAN!
A:  I said–
W:  TIN MAN! TIN MAN! TIN MAN!
A:  All right you little middle-class tart! That’s ENOUGH!
W:  [singing] If I only had a heaaaaaart…
A:  You’ve left me no choice! I told you I’ve got connections, you’re gonna pay for this! Nobody talks to me like this! I’ll have you taken care of, that’s right, put you in a … a … uhhh … a LOCKBOX! Yeah, a LOCKBOX! You see, right now you’re not in a lockbox, because the lockbox doesn’t exist, but there should be one, and there will be one, and you’ll be in that lockbox when I’m through with–
W:  Are you threatening me, you old geezer?
A:  Oh, it’s no threat! I’ll do it! And you know what? I’ll fill that lockbox with all kinds of nasty things, hydrofluorocarbons … and, and styrofoam cups … and, uh, incadescent lightbulbs! You’ll get WARMED to death! Slowly! And over time! But oh, yes! It WILL happen, and then you’ll say to yourself “gosh, he was right! I didn’t believe him, but it happened just like he said–”
W:  [laughing]
A:  What? You think that’s funny? You think I’m just making this stuff up? [shouting] I AM THE ALPHA MALE, BABY!!!
W:  [uncontrollable laughing]
A:  Stop laughing at me! Stop–
[sound of receiver being hung up followed by dial tone]
– hello? hello?

[END TRANSCRIPT]

Gore "persuading" an audience of global warming skeptics earlier this year

One of the woman’s friends is evidently the source of the recording. Speaking on the condition of anonymity, she stated that more recordings are in her possession. “That was just the first one. He called several more times and was as clueless in all of them. It was weird, like he just couldn’t get over being rejected. It was as if he thought that the NEXT time he called her would be different, no matter how many times he was swatted down. Creepy, really, the way he denied reality.”

Police are still investigating the allegations. However, recently the alleged victim failed a lie detector test.

“Well, I’m not sure what to make of that,” said Pearson. “During the session, every time we asked her to describe the sexual advances he perpetrated on her, she just broke down. Not crying, mind you, but in hysterical fits of laughter. We think that may have skewed the results.”

“I was wrongly accused of being a death-monger.  That’s just plain wrong.  I don’t even know what ‘monger’ means, but I’m pretty sure I’m not one.  I’m a good ol’ gal, a real Southern wit.  Anything I do, I do for the good of all that is good, you know, the really good things that are good.”

Playsmell-Blabbard says that having her auction canceled by Ebay put only a momentary cramp in her creative pursuits.  Having divided her time between sniffing glue and collecting vintage pornography while contemplating her next move, she now feels the time is right to once again try her hand at exploiting celebrity death.

“Look, the Caylee doll was clearly a mistake.  People just aren’t ready yet.  So, I’m focusing my tribute efforts toward older, more comfortable tragedies.  I’ve just completed a Nicole Brown Simpson tribute doll, and am just putting the finishing touches on my Charles Manson collection.”

In addition to trying to profit from public tragedy, Playsmell-Blabbard enjoys maintaining a narrow focus when it comes to politics, human rights, and current events.   “I’m not racist, I’m not elitist, I have plenty of multicultural friends.  Hell, my pool boy is Mexican – this is proof that I’m a humanist.  Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to start a new tribute doll, one that memorializes good taste, common sense, and compassion.  These are just some of the traits that have been dead to me and my cronies for years now.  I’m not sure of the details just yet, but I’m pretty sure the doll will have flowing red hair and I’ll probably call her ‘Dildo Yawn’.”

“We take tips seriously and investigate every rational lead, but our resources are being heavily taxed right now, thanks in large part to an recent barrage of emails and phone calls.”

DEA overburdened

The DEA says it is always appreciative of citizen participation in law enforcement efforts. “Many times, a tip leads to a worthwhile investigation, arrest, and an eventual sentence. We have, for the most part, confidence in the eyes and ears of America. In this particular case, though, our agents are becoming distracted, even hindered, by calls relating to a fictitious person.”

Vighters says she’s baffled by what she calls a “confusing campaign of stupidity”. The DEA is being repeatedly asked to investigate complaints involving a non-person. “It makes no sense why they’re asking for DEA participation. The DEA investigates drug-related activities, not pieces of fiction written about drug trafficking.”

Vighters stressed that intervening on behalf of people who don’t exist is beyond the jurisdiction of most law enforcement agencies. “We don’t really deal with imaginary friends, trolls, sprites, demons, leprechauns, goblins, brownies, or peri-menopausal fruitbats.”

This is the third in a recent series of arrests that focus on the use of children’s toys in the trafficking of cocaine. “We have been suspicious of these types of dolls for some time now,” said DEA Special Agent Bartholomew Halston. “Any internet doll sale that yields more than $900 goes onto our watch list. We’ve compiled quite a lengthy list over the last five years, but very few leads actually result in an arrest.” Halston says he is always surprised that someone is willing to pay up to $1000, sometimes more, for a plastic doll, but is relieved that most dolls are not filled with cocaine.

Reborn dolls are created from vinyl kits that have been painted to look exceptionally realistic and are popular among collectors. Ultra-fine glass granules are often used to fill the hollow limbs of the dolls to add a genuine weight and feel to the finished product. The limbs make an excellent receptacle for storing and shipping drugs.

Halston says he became suspicious of Achers after she sold a doll, which he described as “thoroughly average” for an astonishing $26,000. “I believe an artist should be well-compensated for their craft, but when a doll that looks like it has been painted by a child sells for that amount, an investigation is more than justified.”

cocaine-filled dolls demand high price tags

Halston wants to send a clear message to other housewives and homemakers who might be considering using Ebay and other internet auction spots as a way to peddle illicit material. “Look, we’ve seen it all, hashish oil in perfume bottles, MDMA in bubble gum dispensers, and doll babies filled with coke and heroin. There’s nothing you can think of [to sell drugs] that won’t get you caught.”

Also found during the raid was a large stack of cease and desist letters written on phony legal letterhead, but officials are not ready to relate the findings to drug activity. “It seems Ms. Achers was angry at a lot of different internet people, and was trying to name some of them in defamation lawsuits,” commented Halston. “It’s possible that the people named in the bogus lawsuits are those who notified the DEA about her drug dealings in the first place. We’re looking into it.”