Don't cry for Owens. Cry for the future.

ALEXANDER CITY, Ala. – Recently fired wide receiver Terrell Owens announced his retirement from the National Football League at a press conference today.  Owens, 35, probably has the ability to continue his football career, but as of yet, no NFL team has expressed interest in signing him – primarily because he is a douchbag.

Within 24 hours of his release, 16 teams had gone on record stating they had no plans to hire Owens.  Instead, he now plans to open an academy where he will teach young players how to act.  The school, tentatively called The Ego Academy for the Attention Deprived (EgAAD), expects to open full time next winter, but a limited curriculum will be available this summer.

“Get your popcorn ready,” said Owens. “If you loved me – and I know I loves me some me – then you’ll love this.  I’m giving something back.  This will allow an entire generation of future players to put themselves in front of their teams.”

Classes will include:

·         Destroying team chemistry from the inside

·         Teammate alienation (with a special focus on quarterbacks)

·         Delusions of grandeur

·         Stars, jackets, cell phones and sit-ups – taunting with props

·         Finding your inner selfishness

·         Cultivating your overall diva persona

·         How to get fired 3 times in 6 years

Owens will be just one of many famous faculty at EgAAD.  He has already appointed Dennis Rodman as Dean of Students and will teach a class called Substituting Spectacle for Talent – How to Age Disgracefully.  Joe Horn has contracted to teach several classes.  Tentatively, Sean Avery, Drew Rosenhaus and Chad Johnson are expected to receive professor emeritus status in exchange for guest lecture appearances.  Lastly, Owens indicated that none other than the Queen of Soul herself, Aretha Franklin, has been hired as a wardrobe consultant specializing in gaudy hats.

Another former Wide Receiver, Hall Of Famer Michael Irvin, seemed eager to help.  “I could teach a lot of things,” said Irvin, “Stabbing your teammates with scissors…  where to buy blow within a block of a courtroom…  the list goes on.”

“I’m tremendously excited about this next phase of Terrells life,” said agent Drew Rosenhaus.  “This is the biggest thing to ever happen to football, and I’m proud to be a part of it.  We’ve tried to line up the very best faculty possible.  Not everyone makes the cut.  Just as one example, we reached out to Paris Hilton to teach a class on inner selfishness, but ultimately didn’t make an offer, as she’s not capable of actually communicating.  Not even by accident.  I did get to score with her, though – not that it took much effort.”

Rosenhaus also indicated that Owens considered reaching out to Madonna to teach the diva class, but ultimately decided to hire someone relevant to current pop culture.  Allegedly, an offer has instead been made to comedian Carrot Top.  When asked to confirm this, Rosenhaus answered, “next question.”

When asked for comment, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell said, “The NFL very fortunate that Mr. Owens has never succeeded at anything in life.  If he were to pull this off, our TV ratings would be as bad as regular season college basketball.”

Originally posted 2009-03-06 11:12:48. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

“I first notice there was… …were some speakin problem when I got fired from job at ESPN, where on NFL Countdowns,” said Smith, “but I knew it were time to gets help when I tried to type up my resu… my res… my List of Job. Not only did my word prospector get blowed up, but my computer gets blowed up, too.”

ESPN doesn't pay Emmitt to speak. Oh, wait.

Bellview Principal Orville Burgess originally declined comment, citing privacy reasons. She eventually agreed to the following statement:

“Emmitt is functionally illiterate. The staff at Bellview Elementary and I are pleased to assist him in any way we can. Please allow him the privacy to sit in the little kiddies’ desk without public scrutiny in this brave time and please no cameras during recess. I must admit to laughing when he said that ‘Tom Brady needs to get in his lineman’s behind.’ It’s almost a shame we won’t hear any more such wisdom.”

At press time, this publication is still attempting to confirm that the school specifically banned Troy Aikman from visiting Smith due to allegations that he scared several of the little boys.

Reaction at the University of Florida, Smiths alma mater, was mixed. “We certainly wish Emmitt all the best.” said University Chancellor Dr Bernard Machen. “He may be illiterate, but he’s still a Gator.”

“Unfortunately, there were a lot of things that happened back when Steve Spurrier was coach which we aren’t proud of now,” Machen continued. “Emmitt is just one disgrace of many from that era. A little part of me died every time he went on TV and tried to speak. I just hope he’s really trying to learn this time. He certainly never applied himself when he was here. I’m actually embarrassed that this university gave him a degree. On the other hand, some moron at ESPN actually thought it would be a good idea to pay him real money to speak in public.”

In Dallas, where Smith made his fame, the reaction was unconfirmed.

“How ‘bout them Cowboys?!” hollered one fan when asked about Emmitt. When asked his name, he simply yelled again, “How ‘bout them Cowboys?”

The fan took a deep breath, presumably to ask a third time – just in case anyone within the acre hadn’t heard him – but a mysterious man in a green jersey promptly punched him square in the mouth. The man in green then described his actions as “community service.” Next, he then proceeded to grab the Dallas fans Stetson hat and pass wind upon it, presumably continuing his community service project. Upon completion of this act, he next removed the fans Texas-shaped belt buckle from his designer jeans and introduced it elbow-deep into the fans intestinal cavity, where it now resides in close proximity to the Dallas fans head. Any relationship between the man in the green jersey and the writer should be dismissed as “purely coincidental.”

Estimates vary as to how long it will take Smith to complete his remedial training, but most experts figure it will take anywhere from 4 to 6 years for Smith to un-screw himself. Smith, however, is undeterred.

“This is important to… uh, for… uh, to… me,” Smith pleaded, “Like Jimmy V said, ‘don’t quit. Don’t even quit.’ And as my grammar get better, my writin get that much more better. And if Troy can graduamate, then why nots I? I has to change the stripes of this doggone leopard.”

If YOU can read, you might like Kindle.

Originally posted 2009-02-11 20:13:26. Republished by Blog Post Promoter