'Tot Mom' mom herself a suspect?

“She seems to know an awful lot more about this case than even Casey [Anthony],” said Dick Surelock, a detective working on the case, who spoke on a condition of anonymity.

“It’s a high-profile case, and sometimes that means high-profile suspects.”

Chunk Mullets, a spokesman for the Casey Anthony defense team, lauded the announcement.

“It’s about time. It’s like we been saying all along: Casey’s innocent. Woo ha!”

FBI profiler and author of the best-selling true crime series “Everyone’s A Serial Killer Sometimes”, Hannibal Bundy isn’t surprised.

“Killers often like to share intimate knowledge of their crimes with the public. It gives them a sense of empowerment as well as a forum where they can bounce their ideas off others. They love feedback, particularly from the media. In Nancy’s case, we see someone who is already a part of the media and thus, even more empowered and awash in feedback.”

Suspicions were first raised when Grace began spending the majority of her show covering the popular Florida murder.  Grace garnered ‘person of interest’ status once her show became a seemingly non-stop source of information unknown to police.

“Ms. Grace’s obsession with Caylee, coupled by the constant praise of her own offspring, could be a sign of an outward projection of deep-seeded guilt,” said Bundy, who cautioned the analysis was purely speculative.

“I can’t know the true source of her pathology unless I have her on my couch.”

“So to speak,” he was quick to add.

Meanwhile, Grace is expected to meet with detectives in Orlando sometime next week.

Grace, best known for her breathlessly accusatory verbal screeds on overly-hyped legal cases, could not, surprisingly, be reached for comment.

However, a source close to the hawk-nosed harlot of hyperbole claims Grace is “delighted to be visiting Orlando.”

“She can’t wait to return to the scene, um, I mean, Sunshine State, where she vacations from time to time.”

Originally posted 2009-04-29 07:00:36. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

As luck would have it, CNN’s weekday anchor Kyra Phillips was substituting for King’s corpse, which was undergoing routine scheduled maintenance, so Cosby’s desperate call was fielded by the guest host.

Cosby appeared not to notice.

“Listen Larry, I just want your viewers to take a look at you so they can remind themselves what an actual corpse looks like, and compare that to me, a living, breathing entertainer,” he said.

Bill Cosby may talk less than Larry King, but he's actually alive.

“No offense, Larry, but I’m only 73. I think most of your suspenders are older than that,” he added.

After a pause, he asked, “Don’t you all have a laugh track?”

“Seriously, people, I’m obviously not only alive, I’m vivacious. But the good news is that, as Larry has proven for several decades, death is no reason to give up what you love doing – so even when I do die, I ain’t going nowhere. Peace.”

With that, Cosby hung up.

When reached for comment, King’s corpse was being defragmented and unable to offer a comment before press time.

Less than an hour earlier, a preliminary crime lab report had come back confirming the type of bullet and gun used in the Oct. 5 assault on his house, located on his sprawling, 300-acre farm in this small New Jersey Township of just over 10,000.

On Oct. 5, state police responded to a 9-11 call from Debi Dobbs, matriarch of the Dobbs homestead. She reported hearing a single gunshot ring out shortly after 10 a.m.

When police arrived, they discovered that the round  had struck the siding of the Dobbs’ house but fallen harmlessly to the ground without penetrating. At the time, Dobbs and some legally documented workers were standing  outside the home.

Police recovered the round and brought it to their forensic lab for testing, releasing preliminary results of their analysis only late yesterday.

“Just as I expected, just as I predicted, just as I feared, this bullet was foreign made,” Dobbs said during prepared remarks, which were chronicled live by CNN blue-eyed bombshell Anderson Cooper, who temporarily broke off his coverage of Hurricane Katrina, currently in its 217th week, in order to do so.

No other networks joined the press conference.

Police refused to release precise details about the bullet used, but after receiving “probably upwards of 2,000 phone calls from Mr. Dobbs” Subjunior New Jersey State Police Chief – Rural Division Cornell Nailhead confirmed the bullet was not made in the U.S.

However, he would not say what country had produced it.

“For far too long, the flood of cheap, ill-constructed foreign goods has undermined the ability of the American worker to rise to his full potential,” said Dobbs. “Tonight’s police report, while not as detailed as we’d like, underscores these very dangers.

“How sad is that an on-target bullet failed to even crack the siding of my house? This is what cheap foreign goods gets you.”

Dobbs continued, “I’ll bet the shooter was American, though, because at least he hit my house. Just imagine what he could have done with American-made goods! Why, I might not even be here to talk about it, yet here I stand.”

Lou Dobb: You'd be better off bringing a knife than a foreign-made gun to a gunfight!

Dobbs added that the siding of his house was “100% American made” but that that was “no excuse” for the foreign-made bullet’s failure to penetrate it. “By that logic, an Italian truffle would chip my American-made teeth,” Dobbs said mysteriously.

A typical edition of Lou Dobbs Tonight features a pasty-faced Dobbs staring slack-jawed for dramatic effect into the camera at the conclusion of one of his field reporter’s investigative segments. Struggling to contain his disgust for the un-American, Dobbs at times appears to project his consternation and his chiding, doomsday reprimands at the very reporters he tasks with bringing him stories of the latest incursions against the model of 1950s American suburbia to which he yearns to return the country.

Dobbs burst into the nascent cable TV news scene in the early 80s, successfully positioning himself as a financial expert and going on to found CNN Financial News.

However, in 2006, Dobbs abruptly switched from being a self-proclaimed financial expert to a self-proclaimed immigration expert. For the past several years, Dobbs has used his nightly show on CNN exclusively to deliver multi-minute rants against all manner of foreign influences, from immigration to the safety of imported foods to the effects of outsourcing.

Dobbs has been praised by TV critics for his ability to turn seemingly any subject into a harbinger of immigration doom.

Says Lancelot Brigand, a mid-senior TV critic for TV Guide, “Lou, like everyone else, was fascinated and duped by the Balloon Boy story a few weeks back, and I remember after blinking at the live coverage of the soaring balloon for 30 seconds of dead air or so he turned to the camera and said, ‘You know, Mexicans could use a device like that, slip into this country in the guise of space aliens rather than illegal aliens.’ It’s fantastic  television.”

Brigand added that on another occasion, Dobbs had turned a story about a young girl’s battle against cancer into a screed against “outsourcing” when he learned her life-saving doctor was from Bangladesh.

Dobbs confirmed that in the wake of the shooting he is traveling with bodyguards. “You never know,” he says, “my next assailant might use American-made bullets.”

Originally posted 2009-10-31 15:44:28. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

“Even though it was built on a fraud, this story is just so compelling,” said  Eve Catsups, president of NBC News. “We’ve gone back, we’ve looked at the tape, and we’ve decided to make lemonade out of lemons.”

Catsups’ comments confirmed the network’s ill-kept secret plans to turn the 87 hours of coverage it has of a sagging, saucer-shaped balloon soaring through empty skies and the accompanying hours of dime-novel commentary into the storyboard for a children’s television special about a little boy and his balloon.

Catsup confirmed the title of the animated film, which will have an accompanying children’s book, was taken from The Today Show’s Day Five coverage of the event, which featured a segment entitled “The Boy Who Wasn’t on the Balloon” and which ran well after it was clear the boy in question – tousle-haired tyke Falcon Heene – was never in danger.

Would-be rescuers scampered to reach the balloon, within which the boy was not.

“What a catchy title, right?” crowed Catsups. “I mean, anyone can spend hours covering a boy who was on a balloon, but we managed to spend days covering a boy who wasn’t! I just hope some of that creativity makes it over to the children’s story.”

Ironically, the most interesting moment of the maudlin interview came when young Falcon upchucked on camera, apparently suffering a parasympathetic distaste for compulsory lying to a national television audience. That scene will not be featured in “The Boy Who Wasn’t on the Balloon.”

The unsightly, live regurgitation occurred as the family were in the midst of a whirlwind media tour in an effort to counter the damage wreaked when Falcon slipped up and told the truth to Larry King stand-in and part-time Israeli tank commander Wolf Blitzer on CNN’s Larry King Show Friday night. His efforts were unsuccessful, and rescue personnel, the media and even many TV viewers began to realize that the entire ordeal was an orchestrated hoax.

Charges against the Heene’s, who routinely employ a dangerous combination of their arm’s length acquaintance with amateur science and their intimate acquaintance of reality TV to seek fame, are pending.

NBC is moving ahead with the children’s programming regardless of the Heene’s outcome, Catsups said. “This is our content, our storyline, our brainchild,” he said, adding that the film and book would be modeled in the Dr. Seuss fashion. He provided this publication with a sneak-peek look at the title poem:

Last week we told a lovely tale
About a boy who had set sail –
Not in a craft of land or sea
But one that set him flying free!

For this delightful daring lad
And redneck scientist (his dad)
Worked long and hard from dusk ‘til noon
To craft a saucer-shaped balloon.

Its magic did not lie in flight
Nor in the way it gave some fright …
But how it showed for all to see
The total farce of NBC

They told the story far and wide:
This balloon has someone inside!

It is a boy and he might die!
And when he does we’ll be there live!

But when the craft crashed on the ground
And the Sheriff’s men gathered ‘round
They saw no boy – “He’s not inside!”
“Did he fall out while on the ride?”

At NBC they worried not
“We have our story, tot or not!”
There was no boy in that balloon
He did not die that afternoon
He did not do a thing at all
But hide inside an attic wall
He did not, could not fly that day
But we filmed it all anyway

Why cover war, why make such noise?
When we can cover prankster boys?
And that’s our story for today
If you like real news go away.

Originally posted 2009-10-19 19:29:25. Republished by Blog Post Promoter