The effects of a lobotomy apparent, Julian Assange makes shadow puppets at New Media Days 2009

Thousands of classified documents, including those detailing military strategy in the Afghan war, were released today by WikiLeaks.org, a self-propagandizing and unscrupulous website dedicated, ostensibly, to transparency in government.

However, in a fit of what can only be called incredible stupidity, within the trove of posted documents, WikiLeaks apparently also inadvertently released the medical records of the group’s frosty-headed editor-in-chief, Julian Assange. And doubtless, those records are every bit as titillating and provocative as the aforementioned military documents.

For instance, though always widely speculated, the public now has irrefutable proof that Assange was indeed lobotomized when he was sixteen.

“No one but a blithering idiot could believe that it is in anyone’s interest to reveal top secret military strategy in an ongoing war, ultimately putting innocent men and women at significant and unnecessary risk,” said Peter McGraw, a policy consultant for the Pentagon. “So no, I’m not surprised.”

As shocking as Assange’s lobotomy, it is not nearly as strange as the reason behind the surgery.

“Well,” said his Australian mum, “he was always a strange boy. Craved attention and all that. But as he got older, he became more aggressive … and a bit more deviant. This is hard to recount, but … well, one day he dressed himself in a rain slicker, and nothing else, and began flashing passing motorists from a highway overpass,” she said grimly. “But one of the vehicles was a very large semi-trailer and the driver blasted his horn. Julian’s always been a nervous boy and, well, after wetting his pants he fell off the overpass and conked his head very hard.” After wiping her eyes, she continued, “but that was nothing compared to this. I could live with the fact that I had a perverted half-brained son. But one that would perpetrate this heinous act? Publishing secret information that might put soldiers in jeopardy? I just wish I knew what I did wrong.”

Other information detailed in the medical records was equally astounding. For instance, much of Assange’s pathology – from his narcissism to his relentless pursuit of the spotlight – likely stems from (pardon the pun) a tragic mistake during his circumcision which was conducted when Assange was 10, and at his request. According to the leaked records, Assange arranged for the procedure to be performed by an Aborigine witch doctor (his mum says he distrusted regular doctors for being “in on the conspiracy”). However, the operation went horribly wrong when the witch doctor, who was evidently allergic to Assange’s Benetton cologne, sneezed.

“Oh, don’t worry, he didn’t lose it,” said his mum. “But he’ll never achieve … well, let’s say ‘anything more than half mast.’”

Opponents of Assange’s document dump are seizing upon the revelations to discredit the myopic misanthropic maladjusted miscreant journalist.

“With a deformed wee-wee and an ice-cream scooper taken to his head, it’s no wonder he is incapable of recognizing the harm his reprehensible site causes,” said McGraw. “But the fact that I now pity him still doesn’t change the fact that he should be sharing his views with the padded walls of an institution, and not the digital superhighway.”

One other bit of information revealed in Assange’s medical file is sure to astound those who have met him: he is in fact not albino, just really really creepy looking.

Originally posted 2010-07-26 09:29:19. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

The decision sparked an immediate flurry of criticism from observers worldwide who pointed out that President Obama has accomplished essentially nothing in the 262 days he’s been in office, or at the very least nothing pertaining to a Nobel Peace Prize.

Consider the lilies, how they grow: they toil not, neither do they spin ...

As examples of nothing, critics pointed out the health care reform efforts that remained stalled despite both Houses of Congress being occupied by socialist majorities, a “Bush business as usual” approach to the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq and the continuing, decades-long impasse between Israel and the occupied territories in the Middle East.

Responding to the criticism, the Nobel Committee has moved quickly to explain its selection of Obama, hoping that by elaborating on the decision-making process they can quell the uproar.

“Once people understand our thought process, they will join us in congratulating Mr. Obama for this well-deserved honor,” insisted Nobel Committee Chairman Thorbjoern Jagland.

Jagland explained that last year, the Committee challenged itself to rethink the entire concept of peace. As a result, they formed a subcommittee made up of neo-stoic philosophers, left-bank Parisian baristas and board-certified Bodhisattvas.

After a month-long retreat in the Himalayas last December, the subcommittee reached a unanimous recommendation to the Nobel Committee: the ultimate incarnation of peace is inaction.

“We realized right away that the subcommittee had unearthed an Absolute Truth – be sure to capitalize that phrase,” said Jagland. “Right away, it changed our approach as we screened the nominees.”

Once affected by that paradigm shift, the Committee required little time to settle on the president, who was “obviously perfect and perfectly obvious,” said Jagland.

“We needed someone who embodies passivity, someone who knows how to use rhetoric to forestall action yet, at the same time, someone dynamic, energetic and famous. Obama was ideal.”

Even better, says Jagland, is that the non-actions of the president are the very things that, had they actually been accomplished, would be most likely to garner a peace prize under the old requirements of the award.

“He talks about free health care for everyone, about making peace in the Middle East, about finding water on the moon, about curing cancer and about holstering nuclear weapons. I think once he even talked about how nice it would be if we could reverse aging and control gravity.”

“He’s leading by example,” continued Jagland. “He knows his own inaction creates space for action on the part of the disenfranchised. This is what the rest of the world, especially the Russians, Iranian, Chinese and Al Qaeda, so dearly appreciate.

“This selection is pure genius,” said Jean-Philippe Pompeux, a professor of dysteleological ethics at Paris’ Center for Philosophical Inquiry who was not involved in the selection process. “Here we are reminded that as long as one is eternally becoming, one need not preoccupy oneself with being.

“It is not the destination – or even if one arrives at all – it is the journey that matters.”

Responding to criticism from conservatives that a policy of inaction and appeasement by the U.S. will only be rewarded by continued acts of demagoguery and violent expansion on the part of totalitarian countries, Jagland dismissed the notion of passing judgment on such developments.

“The U.S. is advanced; it’s a Western Democracy,” he said. “These other countries are still evolving, so you can’t apply a universal set of standards here. You don’t spank an unruly toddler, you allow him to keep expressing himself, keep bettering himself. Sometimes, things get broken along the way, but that’s the price of self discovery, and it’s well worth it.

“The man who recognizes that, who is willing to pay that price, is a true man of peace. President Obama has the world’s gratitude.”

Originally posted 2009-10-09 13:55:05. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

Atif Bassam Safwan bin Badat bin Kadoorie Al-Hawwash, Qaeda’s deputy chief of Christian, Jewish and Shia slaughter, has been named the interim head of the organization and will serve in that role throughout the search for a permanent replacement or until he is killed, whichever occurs first, ‘Qaeda spokesman Adam Yahiye Gadahn confirmed in a smoke-signal interview from an undisclosed rubbish heap in rural Afghanistan.

### BREAKING NEWS ALERT: ATIF BASSAM SAFWAN BIN BADAT BIN KADOORIE AL-HAWWASH HAS BEEN KILLED BY U.S. FORCES. UPDATE TO FOLLOW ###

Gadahn, nee Adam Pearlman, is the former Orange County, California resident who successfully transformed a crippling sense of self loathing and a childish fascination with jihad into a burgeoning public relations career in the caves of Afghanistan that serve as ‘Qaeda world headquarters. He is now the firm’s senior vice president of marketing and communications and chief spokesperson and its highest-ranking American-born executive.

Even as he confirmed his organization had taken the drastic step of hiring a Western headhunting firm to replace its iconic, long-time leader, Osama bin Laden, who was shot in the face and killed by American commandos on Sunday, Gadahn downplayed the crisis gripping his company.

“We have always taken succession planning very seriously,” he noted. “Whether one of our executives, may Allah grant them the business acumen of one thousand and one MBAs, is martyred in a hail of lead by the imperialist Western pigs or simply succumbs to cholera, which happens more than you might expect when you drink poopy water as we are apt to do, sudden openings occur within our blessed hierarchy.”

Executive search firms encourage firms to think outside of the box when succession planning.

“We had been in talks with executive search firms well before this godless raid,” he explained. “We were prepared and will move forward swiftly to anoint a new leader, may Allah bless him with the vision of eight hundred and seventy five telescopes and tread upon his enemies with the righteous violence of an elephant crushing a locust husk.”

When pressed, Gadahn admitted Al Qaeda Holdings would “soon” be revising downward its 2Q and full-year earnings estimates, but insisted this had more to do with the high fees demanded by corporate headhunters than the absence of its charismatic, filthy-bearded leader.

“You wouldn’t believe what these dogs charge us,” Gadahn said. “It’s almost as bad as usury.”

M. Byron Bryan, the chief executive officer of Heisenberg and Bubbles, which is based in Gary, Indiana, said rates were affected by “extraordinarily high input costs related to the life insurance premiums that the next CEO of al Qaeda would be faced with” and added that his firm would have to offer a partial refund if its recommended executive held his or her post less than a year, something he called “very likely.”

“We want to partner with them – they are a minority-owned business and are clearly their sector leaders, but we have to conform to the realities of the market place.”

Bryan said a “very long shortlist” of would-be successors had been identified, but would only release a few names on it.

“We think Charlie Sheen, Joy Behar and Ann Coulter would all bring visionary leadership to the Al Qaeda C-Suite,” he said. “But that’s just to name a few, and there’s the minor issue that al Qaeda would typically behead any American woman on sight, which might make Joy and Ann non-starters.

“But if they could just resist that understandable, gut-level reaction that, quite frankly, anyone gets when beholding Behar or Coulter, they’d understand what dynamic, hate-mongering leaders these two gals can be.

“As for Charlie Sheen, his talent really speaks for itself. He’s likely going to be our top recommendation – tiger blood goes a long way with these tribal guys.”

Both Bryan and Gadahn stressed the search will also look at internal candidates.

A decision is expected by the end of next week.

Originally posted 2011-05-03 22:13:23. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

“Accustomed to traveling incognito, the head of Al Qaeda’s global operations goes even deeper undercover to mingle anonymously with front-line workers, gauge their morale and learn first-hand how his decisions are affecting the quality of life for his terrorists,” read a CBS press release promoting the show.

“We can’t think of a more dramatic person to guest on the show,” said Charma Might, director of publicity for Undercover Boss.

Although CBS wouldn’t release the entire outline, it shared some key moments from the show, in which Bin Laden poses as a Qaeda new hire by the name of Abdul-Muhaimin bin Abdul-Muttalib bin Bassam bin Nazeem bin Walliyullah El-Hage.

Bin Laden in his "Undercover Boss" disguise. For religious reasons, the beard had to stay.

In one scene, Bin Laden/Abdul-Muhaimin bin Abdul-Muttalib bin Bassam bin Nazeem bin Walliyullah El-Hage visits an improvised explosive device (IED) manufacturing facility, located in a large ditch in a valley along the Afghanistan-Pakistan border.

During the segment, Bin Laden/Abdul-Muhaimin bin Abdul-Muttalib bin Bassam bin Nazeem bin Walliyullah El-Hage is shocked to find his employees live and work in makeshift hovels, rather than the comfortable cave he enjoys at Qaeda headquarters. And, he can’t believe it when he sees them eating maggots and rotten fruit rather than the more nutritious locusts and honey-dipped beetles he enjoys at Qaeda Central.

“I was impressed with their level of sacrifice and determination to do a good job in difficult conditions,” Bin Laden/Abdul-Muhaimin bin Abdul-Muttalib bin Bassam bin Nazeem bin Walliyullah El-Hage said through a CBS interpreter, before beheading him. “I am going to have Ayman al-Zawahiri, may the sweet nectar of Allah’s blessings be upon him, look into this immediately.”

Al-Zawahiri is executive vice president and chief operating for Al Qaeda Holdings, inc.

The show also helped “improve communications” within the organization, boasted Qaeda spokesperson Adam Pearlman, a former death-metal reject from California who embraced radical Islam as a way to escape his monumental mediocrity and who now lives in an Undisclosed Location among cockroaches, rat droppings and Bin Laden and goes by the nom de guerre Adam Yahiye Gadahn.

As evidence, Pearlman/ Yahiye Gadahn pointed to another scene that will be depicted on the show. In the segment, Bin Laden/Abdul-Muhaimin bin Abdul-Muttalib bin Bassam bin Nazeem bin Walliyullah El-Hage arrives at a busy Qaeda infidel slaughterhouse where kidnapped Westerners are beheaded. While there, overworked terrorists complain to him about the poor quality of the scimitars they wield in beheadings.

“You would think the company, may Allah grant it peace, serenity and the suffering of millions of infidels at the point of its monotheistic sword, could at least provide us with quality tools to do our job,” complains Bandar Mishaal bin Mutaib al-Rahman bin Talal Aziz, a senior decapitator at the slaughterhouse, to Bin Laden/Abdul-Muhaimin bin Abdul-Muttalib bin Bassam bin Nazeem bin Walliyullah El-Hage.

But even as Aziz is complaining to the ostensible new-hire, he presses on in his grim task of laboriously sawing off the head of a struggling British copper miner clad in the signature orange jumpsuit Al Qaeda clothes its captured infidels in.

Although dialogue is difficult to discern during the beheading due to the infidel’s pitiful screams, it will be clear enough to viewers that a winded Aziz manages to complete the beheading in just under five minutes.

During the follow-up segment at the end of the show in which the unsuspecting frontline-terrorists are invited to Qaeda’s cave headquarters, a smiling bin Laden reveals his identity to Aziz, warmly embraces him and explains the  scimitars are dull by design.

“It greatly prolongs the suffering of the infidel, may Allah curse him a thousand-fold and deny him almond-eyed virgins,” he tells Aziz, who, gripped in sudden epiphany, then falls to his knees and is drawn up by bin Laden to receive an emotional bear hug.

“Once the frontline worker has a comprehensive understanding of both the strategy and tactics of the Company, he can better see that that which benefits the Company benefits him as well, and conversely, what which harms the Company harms him,” explained Pearlman/ Yahiye Gadahn. “This show has a clear-cut Human Resources value add for us, praise and thanksgiving be to Allah, the merciful avenger of infidel aggression.”

At the end of the show, as is customary, the undercover boss bestows gifts upon the coworkers he has surreptitiously worked alongside of. CBS won’t reveal what treats bin Laden will provide at the show’s end, but sources within the network tell W&E they include a goat, a virgin sheep and a 1996 Victoria’s Secret catalog. Editors note: while radical Islam preaches extra-marital chastity, such rules do not apply to infidel women, whom the holy warrior is free to plunder with reckless abandon or, more practically, to toss off to in a magazine.

The show is scheduled to air in late November.

Originally posted 2010-10-20 21:25:37. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

Organizations ranging from respected Christian charities like the Salvation Army to hopelessly naive environmental groups such as PETA and Greenpeace are embracing the trend.

“One need only look at their results and compare them to ours,” said Barthélémy Gaspard Babineaux, vice president for global fundraising for UNICEF, the global charity dedicated to supporting the rights of children. “Donations are down. Volunteer time is down, not just for us but for non-profits everywhere. Meanwhile, one guy in Florida says he’s going to burn a book and people from the President of the United States to the top U.S. and NATO commanders in Afghanistan are deferring to Islamic blackmail. The lesson is clear – extortion works better than exhortation.”

Spokespersons from the Sierra Club, the ASPCA, United Way and even the Red Cross all agreed. “There’s an urgency to get to the most militant Islamic agitators,” said one. “But I think there’s plenty to go around for all of us.”

Most of the organizations said the use of Islamic fanatics will often be as simple as dispatching them door to door with donor forms and small arms but will also include more sophisticated missions, such as mobilizing large groups of them to terrorize underperforming businesses or even entire communities.

Don't try telling these guys you gave at the office.

“We’ve been working on a major corporate client for some time,” said a spokesman from the Make-A-Wish-Foundation, “and they just haven’t come through. They’re always talking about how profits are down and how their employees have taken major pay cuts and have less income left over to give to charity. Whatever – wait until they see the jihadists that are going to show up in the parking lot on Monday. They’ll come through in a hurry.”

A spokesgirl from Greenpeace said late Thursday that the group had reached an arrangement with a group of bloodthirsty Somali pirates who will join the group’s anti-whaling efforts off the coast of Japan. “They’ve officially threatened to behead any Japanese whaler that we manage to capture with their help, and we’re already hearing that the Japanese are having a tougher time recruiting whalers, just based on that one threat.”

“All we had to do was convert to Islam to get them to support us,” she said, adding that the group planned to change its name to “Greenwar” in the near future.

State Department officials have been heavily involved in the furor over the formerly irrelevant pastor Terry Jones’ planned Quran burning, issuing a worldwide travel alert to all Americans to warn them of the potential for “anti-U.S. demonstrations in many countries” and that “demonstrations, some violent, have already taken place in several countries” in response to the 50-member churche’s threat to ignite parchment.

Now, they are praising the ingenuity of the charities’ shift in tactics.

“I think it’s a brilliant move,” said a spokeswoman for Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. “It’s a win-win. Clearly, the global village has concluded that regardless of the situation, the Islamic militants must not be provoked.

“Of course, provoked means something entirely different for the Islamic community than anyone else. For example, placing a crucifix in a jar of urine and calling it art most certainly is not a provocation to Christians – any threats from them in response would be put down with all the authority a secular state could muster. However, setting the Quran on fire in that same free, secular country is without doubt a provocation to Muslims and deserving of their righteous anger.

“So, I think the charities have the right idea in harnessing the dynamic energy these jihadists bring to the table, and at the same time it will give some of our newest Americans the chance to find meaningful work.”

Earlier this week, Secretary Clinton herself labeled the Rev. Jones’ planned actions as “disgraceful,” and U.S. Defense Secretary Robert Gates took time out from managing a multiple-front war against Islamic forces that want to send democracy to join communism on the ash heap of history to get his own advocacy for appeasement on the record, “expressing his grave concerns to the pastor” about the planned book burning.

Even the leader of the free world, President Obama, hurried to condemn the pastor and the small congregation of the Dove Outreach Center in Gainesville, Florida, calling it a “recruitment bonanza” for Al Qaeda.

When asked whether the frantic global effort to coddle the overdone outrage and threats of violent retaliation by the Islamic world was not itself a powerful endorsement of Al Qaeda tactics, White House Spokesman Robert Gibbs put the president in a bearhug and hustled him out of the press conference.

Originally posted 2010-09-09 21:51:46. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

Mendenhall made the announcement amid social media outbursts in which he criticized Americans for supporting the killing of 9-11 Mastermind Osama bin Laden and expressed doubt that bin Laden was behind the attacks and that a “plane could take a skyscraper down demolition style.”

After receiving a less-than-surprising barrage of criticism, Mendenhall unleashed an even bigger bombshell: “I’m outta here,” he tweeted. “Goin’ to ball with some straight up hard-core playas in Afghanistan.”

In an interview, Mendenhall’s agent explained that the player was not unpatriotic, but just had a soft spot for “the underdog.”

“Just like his beloved Pittsburgh Steelers never get the respect they so dearly deserve, neither does Al Qaeda,” he explained. “With so much in common, and with the NFL season in question anyway, Rashard just felt it was the right time to exchange some best practices with some of the toughest men in the world.”

At the ‘Qaeda camps, Mendenhall will focus on his ball-handling struggles; he has arranged to sprint through a live minefield while carrying a football and having rocket-propelled grenades fired just over his head.

In return, Mendenhall will donate several thousand “Terrible Towels” to the struggling ‘Qaeda terrorist cell, which plans to use them for a much-needed change of underwear.

The State Department could not be reached to comment on Mendenhall’s planned trip, including the legality of it.