MADRID  – The World Health Organization proudly announces the launching of its newest disease – The Swine Flu! While not a true sequel, The Swine Flu draws heavily from the tremendously successful 2006 epidemic, avian bird flu.

 

Peter Cordingley, a spokesman for the World Health Organization, said, “we cannot begin to describe the level of excitement here at the WHO over the swine flu. The excitement has reached level 3, and could be all the way to level 6 soon!” Cordingley did not elaborate as to what those levels mean in real world terms.

 

So what exactly is swine flu? And how did it come to America? Per Cordingley, the disease is an offshoot of the avian bird flu. When our American heroes triumphed over the evil bird flu in 2006, they apparently failed to eradicate it completely. The Americans won a triumphant battle, but chose not to invade the bird flu’s lair and topple its leadership. The weakened bird flu instead sought solace at a remote Hooters restaurant in Buffalo, NY, where it regrouped, strengthening every moment. The bird flu mysteriously transmuted itself from chicken wings into various pork products. It ultimately emerged as swine flu – a new, more dangerous hybrid-offshoot. Cordingley also described it as “pissed off and determined to extract its vengeance.”

 

“I also need to clarify,” Cordingley concluded, “that while swine flu is carried by pigs, we have no evidence to suggest that Kim Kardashian is yet a carrier. However, we do wish she would put a mask over her face anyway, in the name of all that’s holy.”

 

Here in the United States, Homeland Security Director Janet Napolitano described the action. “Millions sick! Hospitals overwhelmed! Churches closed! The Surgical Mask will be this year’s ‘it’ fashion statement! If we could only somehow include a gleeful montage of exploding national landmarks, we’ll have every cliché covered.”

 

Cheech Wojciechowicz, a janitor at Dulles International Airport, was not looking forward to the release. “Somehow,” he said, “this must all be George Bush’s fault.”

 

Already, the swine flu has generated controversy. Congressional leaders are whipping their parties into action over an emergency spending bill. Democrats wish to authorize TARP funding for swine flu, but Republican expect to fiercely resist, calling the bill “just more pork.”

 

Elsewhere, in advance of its inevitable encroachment upon the Asian markets, Muslim leaders in Indonesia have successfully lobbied for a ban of all pork products, including policemen, Miss Piggy, and Kevin Bacon.

 

Movie Critic Martin Hunter derided the swine flu, saying “it’s rather derivative … not nearly as good as SARS.”