NEW ORLEANS  – The people of Louisiana dream of more than just a possible win in the Super Bowl™ this Sunday.  In addition to delivering the satisfaction of victory, they expect the win to somehow “save” the city of New Orleans, and with it, the entire Bayou Region.

The Saints originated in 1967 and this is their first-ever championship appearance.  Many believe that their gold and black color scheme represents the public urination and blackouts common in the French Quarter, and that the fleur-de-lis symbol on their helmets symbolizes the anchor of grim reality drowning the hopes and dreams of its citizens.  Watch any television program about New Orleans, and you’ll be dutifully reminded of the 2005 Katrinacalypse which almost destroyed the city.  During Super Bowl Hype Week™ somber announcers have obediently followed pre-planned scripts, informing us in solemn tones of “long-suffering fans” who “deserve” to have their team win, and how much “good” a championship will do for the city.

This used to be a pile of lumber.

In a speech yesterday to the New Orleans Chamber of Commerce, Mayor Ray Nagin proudly exclaimed to the masses, “If we are unified, there is nothing we can’t do!  Even Katrina couldn’t wash away the vomit stench in the French Quarter, but a Saints win will!”

Nagin did not explain how this magic would happen.  Nor did he discuss the fact that rampant poverty, corruption and squalor raged in New Orleans prior to the devastation and that those conditions remain largely unchanged during the past five years of his mayorship.

Political Strategist and Louisiana native James Carville spoke after Nagin.  His enthusiasm soared as the prospects of a Saints Championship buoyed his spirits.

“A championship will be great for this city!”  Carville began, “The heavens will open, sunshine will spill forth, and all the ailments of New Orleans will disappear in the healing glow of the championship!  All of them!  Poverty?  Gone!  Corruption?  Gone!  All those damn fru-fru sounding French names?  Gone!  Overweight tourists will morph into Victoria’s Secret™ models before our eyes – and without the help of a few of Pat O’Brien’s™ Hurricanes!”

At this point Nagin, overcome with jubilation, rushed back to the podium, pounding Carville on the back.  “Why,” he shrieked at the crowd, “a win will even clear up ‘that thing’ on Drew Brees’ face!”

Neither man would promise that a championship could morph Reggie Bush into anything more than an over-hyped backup.  Apparently, even the magic of winning the Super Bowl has limits.

“It’s not just Who Dat Nation™ rooting for us,” Carville concluded, “It’s the entire nation!  And this church takes converts!  It doesn’t matter.  You might not get in the first pew, but you get in!  The qualification to be a citizen of ‘Who Dat Nation’ is, you’ve just gotta believe!  And speak in a French accent!  This is more than just a game.  It’s very, very important.”

Just what is that thing on his face, anyway?

Inspired by Carville’s words, “long-suffering” fans nationwide knelt down in prayer.  In places like Buffalo, Minnesota, Atlanta, and Cleveland, fans genuflected reverently in hopes that if this could happen in New Orleans, then it might someday happen in their city, too.   The lone exception was Detroit, where they know damn well that nothing, not even a sports championship, will ever fix that shithole.

Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal was asked to comment from his offices in Baton Rouge.

“I’ll keep my fingers crossed,” he promised, “but those National Championships LSU won in ’03 and ’07 didn’t seem to help much.”

Originally posted 2010-02-02 12:10:46. Republished by Blog Post Promoter