BOSTON – Middle aged housewives nationwide reacted in horror today at the rumors that vocalist Steven Tyler has left the band Aerosmith.  He fronted the band for the past 39 years.  Despite being infamous for their misogynistic lyrics and their lifestyle of debauchery, Aerosmith has long inspired nostalgia in their largely female fan base, who are eager to remember those halcyon days when neither they nor Aerosmith yet had their first gray hairs.

Aerosmith had to prematurely cancel their summer tour this year when the senile Tyler, 61, fell off the stage and broke his hip.  Their fans greeted the announcement with the usual mix of horror and denial that comes from those who refuse to accept their ascension into middle aged life.  Modern Rock Radio largely dismissed the announcement as irrelevant, and is not expected to bore their listeners by reporting this announcement as news.

Steven needs to focus on the "Tyler" brand. Liv sure isn't helping any these days.

As for Tyler, it appears he will pursue solo endeavors.  Through his publicist, he indicated that “Right now, I need to concentrate on the brand, ‘Tyler.’  It’s really faded since people figured out that my daughter can’t act very well.”  Tyler did not mention in that statement that he and Aerosmith have not actually had a hit song in over a decade.

Exactly how Tyler intends to strengthen the brand remains unclear, but the obvious answer – writing a hit Aerosmith song – appears unlikely any time soon.  According to guitarist Joe Perry, “I was in Hawaii banging some groupies – thanks Viagra!  Next I know, we get an offer to do some gigs in South America, so I called Steven.  The bastard hung up on me!”

Despite the rebuke, Perry refuses to accept that the band may be over.  “Van Halen continued without David Lee Roth,” Perry said, “and Velvet Revolver did great without Axl Rose.  So will Aerosmith.  I make way too much money with these other guys to ever give it a respectful ending.  We will continue to exploit the fans with a new singer.  We’ll comb every karaoke bar in Massachusetts – from Framingham all the way to Gloucester – for a new singer if we have too.”

This is allegedly Joe Perry. Or is it Cruella DeVille?

W&E’s intrepid Man On The Street (i.e. our intern) tirelessly combed the hair salons and tanning beds today searching for reactions.  Eventually, he found Maude – a self described “proud cougar” in a Nickleback t-shirt, and her thirtyish daughter Brittany, she of the acid-washed jeans and bitchin’ Camaro.  A transcript follows:

“Aerosmith?  Hmmm…  Don’t they sing that really horrible 80s song about Tommy and Gina?”
“No, that was Bon Jovi.  They’re from New Jersey.  Aerosmith is from Boston.”
“Oh.  They were the guys who snorted the line of ants, right?”
“No.  That was Mötley Crüe.  They sucked even worse than Bon Jovi, if that’s possible.”
“So they were they the band with the chick rolling around on the hood of the car?”
“No.  That was Whitesnake.  Aerosmith is different than all of those bands.  Aerosmith was actually good at one point.”
“What did they sing?”
“Love in an Elevator.  Rag Doll.”
“Those songs suck.”
“They also did a whole bunch of ballads in the 90s with that one chick who thought she was an actress.  What was her name again?”
“I remember her.  She was annoying.  And so were the songs.  They all sounded the same.”
“Yeah, but their old stuff was great.”
“So how were they different then all those other shitty bands again?”
“They took a lot of heroin and tried to sound like Led Zeppelin.”
“I thought that was Tesla?”
“Yeah, them too, but Aerosmith was ripping off Zeppelin all the way back in the 70s.”
“You actually remember the 70s?”
“Not really, but I remember this one time in Warren Zevon’s tour bus…”
“Mom!”

Originally posted 2009-11-10 13:58:56. Republished by Blog Post Promoter