ST. LOUIS – Reeling from a devastating pair of losses to the lowly Chicago Cubs that snuffed the euphoria following their triumphant sweep of the Cincinnati Reds, the St. Louis Cardinals are taking a drastic measure. They have created a full-time motivational speaker position on the team and offered it to Brandon Phillips, the second baseman of the rival Cincinnati Reds.

A week ago, Phillips hurt the Cardinals feelings when he observantly noted that the team, from its players up to its sulky manager Tony La Russa, whined a lot. Predictably, the Cardinals complained loudly about Phillips’ comments, with La Russa warning ominously that Phillips would “have his problems with his boss and his teammates” and even scurrying after St. Louis reporters to offer additional, unsolicited on-the-record complaints about his verbal antagonist.

Words swiftly turned into action in the game following the publication of Phillips’ comments, with shrill-voiced Cardinal catcher Yadier Molina springing up from his award-winning wide stance behind home plate to chirp in Phillips’ face during his first plate appearance. Both benches cleared and the Cardinals went on to sweep the Reds in the three-game series.

Baseball pundits across the land effectively crowned them as division champions, as the sweep reversed a two-game deficit to a one-game lead for the Cardinals in the standings.

The Cardinals were quick to credit Phillips, effectively admitting that their team of highly paid, world-class athletes needed motivation other than their large salaries and a pennant race to elicit productivity on the field. “It seemed like we were playing with a little more intensity than normal,” noted one Cardinal player.

Or, as fat-faced St. Louis Post-Dispatch columnist and lapdog Cardinal apologist Bernie Miklasz put it, “Phillips couldn’t have done this any better if the Cardinals were paying him under the table to sabotage the Reds.”

Unfortunately, the motivational effects of Phillips’ insensitive but truthful remarks apparently had a limited shelf life, as the Cardinals fell flat on their faces in the final two games of the Cubs series after winning the opening game.

Eager to wrest first place again from the Reds, the Cardinals are turning once again to Phillips.

Tony La Russa delivers a motivational speech of his own to an uncooperative umpire.

“Clearly, Brandon was responsible for the string of victories we pulled off after his hateful remarks,” said Cardinals Manger Tony La Russa when reached for comment at the wine bar he had installed in the home dugout at Busch Stadium 2.0.

When asked if his team shouldn’t have already had ample motivation to compete and might have won regardless of Phillips’ comments, he raised a stern finger in interruption and said, “Our victories occurred after Brandon’s hateful and hurtful remarks, and therefore because of them.

“I’ve just employed classical first-order logic in making that argument, and while I know you can’t hope to understand it, trust me, it’s infallible.”

La Russa said negotiations were still underway with the Reds and Brandon Phillips, but he didn’t think the trade deadline would be a problem, since Phillips “won’t be playing, only motivationally speaking” for the team.

“Think of him as another coach – we have pitching coach Dave Duncan, pharmacological coach Mark McGuire, and now we’ll have motivational speaking coach Brandon Phillips.”

When Phillips was asked how negotiations were going, he said, “I’d tell you they are a bunch of whiny bitches, but I can’t say that until they start paying me.”