WASHINGTON – Forget Sarah Palin. According to an unnamed source close to the Republican Party, the next President of the United States could be…Ronald Reagan?
The surprising revelation comes on the heels of what some analysts call the final moments of the Republican party.
“They’ve trotted out Limbaugh, and now, Cheney. Moves that can only be described in the latter’s terminology as the ‘last throes’ of the Republican Party as we know it,” said G. I. Farben, a chief political analyst.
“I mean c’mon, can’t they do better than a prescription drug addict radio hack and a ticking heart attack time bomb with poor marksmanship? It’s eerily ironic that they would literally ‘dig up’ one of their dead to breathe life into a party coughing out its final breaths. The Republican Party is doomed, due in part to their outdated and decrepit ideals and in part to their recent flirtations with nationalism and, dare I say, fascism,” Farben continued.
Reagan, who many conservatives consider to be the greatest president who ever lived, died in 2004 at the age of 93. The jelly bean connoisseur and astrologically-guided former White House occupant spent his final years in a state of dementia spawned by a bout with Alzheimer’s, a brain disease some scientists say could be reversed utilizing therapeutic stem cell treatments, a no-no to hardline conservatives.
Potential ‘First Widow’ and former First Lady Nancy Reagan, who supports the controversial medical research, seemed keen to the idea of the election bid when interviewed from her rest home suite.
“It beats living in this dump. Where are the servants?”
“Just say no!” she added, angrily shaking a serving platter laden with prescription drug bottles.
The former president is best known for taking credit for ending the Cold War, the fall of the USSR, a minor international lawbreaking scandal plus the bombing of some Middle Eastern country or another. But to die-hard Republicans, he has become a near demigod.
“If I were to be asked who comes second after the Lord God in Heaven, it’d be Reagan. Hands down,” said one fervent supporter, who wasn’t asked.
Meanwhile, an exploratory committee has been formed, not to determine the electability of the deceased former B-movie actor, but rather, to work out the details of how a post-mortem election bid and, ultimately, presidency, would play out.
'Dead President' indeed.
“Needless to say, the body would need to be exhumed,” said one source. Other sources add that all public appearances would require the corpse be on display in a flag-draped coffin accompanied by a high definition LCD monitor featuring an animated CGI bust of the ‘Gipper’. A PR firm would handle all speech writing, even going so far as being on hand to feed approved responses to questions into the computer-controlled Reagan visage at press conferences and debates.
Secret Service agents would presumably work closely with a proprietary team of mortuary scientists to maintain the integrity of the body.
However, a major obstacle stands in the way of a 2012 Reagan candidacy: the Vice Presidential dilemma.
Since the position of Vice President is to serve as a replacement should a President die or no longer be able to hold office for any other reason, what would the potential Veep’s role be in the event of an elected dead President?
“Easy. A dead Vice President. We’ve got a few dozen to choose from,” said yet another unnamed source.
“Heck, a whole cabinet of those now with God is all too appropriate for us. It’s a surefire win-win!”
Originally posted 2009-05-28 16:21:37. Republished by Blog Post Promoter
