New York  – Following this weekend’s emotional outburst, tennis pro Serena Williams has been forcibly admitted into Manhattan’s Bellevue Mental Hospital. While institutionalized, Williams will undergo a battery of tests. At the request of USTA officials, she will undergo both steroid- and gender-confirmation testing. Additionally, she will undergo a battery of psychological testing to try and determine exactly what the hell she was thinking out there and if she is stupid or something.

Is Williams - shown here in the throes of a temper tantrum - "tucking it under?"

Williams, distraught over a perceived officiating error in her US Open Match this past Sunday, lost her composure and threw a temper tantrum the likes of which can usually be found in a typical daycare center. After losing the first set, Williams destroyed her racket, slamming it against the ground twice, giving new meaning to the term “Serena Slam.” For this initial outburst, she received a warning and ultimately a $500 fine.

The unraveling spiraled downward from there. Later, with the match almost over, she went completely apeshit over a foot fault. In the ensuing hissy-fit, Williams began by gesturing angrily at the official. She then approached the official, raising her racket as if to hit her.  Williams towered over the poor woman, who remains unidentified as a safety precaution, and berated her with a profanity-laced tirade. Williams threatened the official, indicating she would “shove the [expletive] ball down her [expletive] throat.”

Bellevue’s Mental Ward admitted Williams against her will. Apparently, that required 14 orderlies and a lead pipe to subdue her so that she could be sedated, and even then, the nurse required four attempts with the hypodermic needle before the appropriate dose of tranquilizers could be administered.

Doctor Edward James, of the Bellevue Toxicology Department, indicated that “the tests will ultimately confirm or deny the presence of steroids, but the behavior exhibited is as classic an example of ‘roid rage as you’ll ever see. Certainly if she were a European bicycle racer, everyone would assume she was on the juice.”

“You don’t have to be a medical expert to suspect an adverse chemical reaction here,” Millhouse continued, “just look at her! I’m not a small man, but she sure looks like she could kick my ass.”

Additional testing will be performed for gender-verification purposes. Another physician, Dr. Frank Bartles, will administer a battery of blood, DNA, and psychological testing to determine if Williams is, in fact, a woman.

“If they can test that poor South African runner,” Bartles said, “then we certainly have probable cause to test Williams. If she is a man, then that precludes PMS as a reason behind her outburst. Besides, have you seen her biceps? I’m reminded of East German weightlifters. It may just be unfortunate that she’s simply not a very feminine woman. Or she could also be tucking it under. It’s kinda creepy either way. Have I mentioned that I hate this part of my job?”

Like a car accident. Heinous, but you look anyway.

The psychological testing will not just be for gender-verification purposes. Doctors are also hoping to determine what the hell she is thinking – both on the court and off – and if she is stupid or something.

“It’s not just the idiocy on-court which concerns us,” indicated head psychiatrist Dr. Thomas Bodet. “She also exhibits a pattern of questionable off-court behavior.”

While careful to say that he was not yet providing an official diagnosis, Bodet suggested Ugly Duckling Syndrome. In cases like this, the parents are typically to blame. If her parents had just told her, “you’re ugly but we love you anyway,” that’s usually enough to avoid much trauma.Instead, parents typically fill the child’s head with hogwash about how the ugly duckling turned into a swan. The resulting child ends up with an artificially inflated self-image and often believes people find them attractive when in truth they are a hideous troll.

The Catsuit: straining the tensile strength of Lycra, and the boundaries of good taste.

Bodet went on to cite a pattern of concerning behavior by Willams, most of which could be interpreted as pathetic cries for attention. Most recently, he referred to the statement Williams released yesterday. Intended to count in some way as an apology, it contained neither the words “I’m” nor “sorry.”

He visibly cringed when describing the lycra catsuit Williams famously wore in 2002. “My eyes never recovered from that trauma,” he indicated. “Watching each fiber of Lycra strain in protest trying to hold everything together – it’s like a car accident. You’re repulsed, but you can’t look away despite how gross it appears.”

Bodet then went on to mention her narcissistic clothing line, Aneres (Serena, spelled backwards – how clever). In it, she sells shirts with the slogan “it’s all about me.”

As an ancillary benefit of the testing, according to Bodet, “we can not only learn answers to these other things, but we can also maybe find an explanation for why someone that ugly would ever attempt to market herself as some kind of warped sex symbol.”

Originally posted 2009-09-16 12:54:08. Republished by Blog Post Promoter