WASHINGTON – Facing criticism in response to the empty political grandstanding that took place yesterday when members of the Senate Permanent Subcommittee on Investigations subjected Goldman Sachs executives to hours of obscenity-laced interrogation over toxic mortgage securities, the Senate has reluctantly agreed to hold hearings with select dumbass homeowners who “purchased” homes without the slightest ability to pay for them.

Disgust with the 11-hour show trial focused mainly on the self-righteously affected rage that Senator Carl Levin (D-Mich.) put on show when hectoring Goldman executives. During the course of his ramblings, Levin repeatedly brandished an internal Goldman memo containing an expletive that he seized upon as an opportunity to utter profanities with impunity within the halls of the Senate. Peering sharply over the edge of his low-slung readers, the senator punctuated a hateful, didactic stare with nearly a dozen repetitions of the word “shit.”

Levin excoriated the executives for taking advantage of the housing bubble by short selling packages of mortgages tied to houses that were vastly inflated in value and occupied by people who, far from paying down their housing debt, were using the properties as ATM machines.

Now, pressured to at least pretend there was a shared responsibility for the housing collapse, Levin and the Subcommittee have agreed to subject greedy consumers to at least a cursory level of questioning.

Senator Levin, in mid-shit.

One couple that will testify is Chloe and Logan Robinson. In 2004, the couple purchased their first home in suburban Phoenix. “It was our starter home,” Chloe recalled. “Only 4,000 square feet, so pretty cozy, but for a couple of newlyweds, we couldn’t complain.

“Mommy and Daddy had just taken out a second mortgage on their own home to pay for our wedding in Tahiti, so it’s not like I could ask them to help with our house, so of course we were all over the deal.”

“The deal” entailed no money down and a monthly mortgage payment of $200.

“Like, it was cheaper than the rent for the studio apartment in Tempe where we used to make the Girls Gone Wild videos with Chloe and her ASU friends,” observed Logan.

The couple admitted they scarcely glanced at the reams of papers they willingly signed. “I think it said something about an introductory rate, kinda like a credit card, I guess,” Logan said. “We didn’t worry about it ‘cause home values always go up and we knew we’d need something bigger within two years anyway, plus there was a Nickelback concert we really had to get to and the closing was, like, taking forever.”

But home values went down, interest rates went up, and the Robinsons walked away from their home. “They wanted like $2,000 per month or something totally crazy like that,” laughed Logan. “We were like, ‘see ya!’”

The couple is not worried about the line of questioning they will receive before the Senate Subcommittee. “First of all, they’re paying us to come – as a special exception, we’re going to get the $8,000 in free money that Obama gave to first-time home buyers, so that’s cool,” said Chloe. “And second, we’ve heard it all before – like how someone can walk away from a mortgage they agreed to?

“Well, we never agreed to any of that. You can’t seriously hold a person to a signature ‘cause a signature can’t read the regular print, let alone the fine print. That’s no fair. Plus, they should of [sic] verified our income – maybe we exaggerated a little bit but banks have access to all of that. They have those accounting thingies.”

In fact, the Robinsons were both unemployed when they closed on their home. However, they listed income of $100,000 per year. “Actually, it was probably closer to $60,000 per year Mom and Dad gave us,” admitted Logan.

Today, the Robinsons reside in Chloe’s parents’ basement. To make conditions more bearable, they arranged to have the basement expanded and completely finished, using a home equity line of credit the Robinsons tapped out before completing their tactical foreclosure.

Another prior homeowner who has agreed to testify is DeTwan “Harpoon” Ishmael, 18, of Detroit. Ishmael, who has seen revenue from his heroin and cocaine sales plummet nearly one percent during the recession, admits he made up “everything” on his mortgage application.

“Yeah, man. I wrote down that I was a financial analyst for some made-up firm – you know, one of those evil firms over on Wall Street, wherever that is – and that I was making all this cash,” he said. “They was so happy to get me in that house – they kept smiling and congratulating me for being in a ‘targeted demographic,’ whatever that means.”

“I asked them what my payment was going to be, they asked me how much did I want it to be, so I said ‘free’ and they was like “We can work with that.”

Ishmael paid nothing for the first 12 months of his mortgage. He was foreclosed on after being arrested for selling drugs out of his home. In exchange for testifying before the Subcommittee, all charges will be dropped and he, too, will be paid $8,000 sourced from the first-time-homeowners bailout fund.

Senator Levin, when asked whether or not it was prudent to pay witnesses to appear before the Senate, angrily replied, “Shit, there is nothing prudent about dragging innocent American consumers – pursuers of the American Dream – before this Subcommittee shit.”

“But, if the Republicans want to play this shit game, if they want to insinuate that somehow this shit idea of personal responsibility lessens the suffering – the anguish – of those victimized in this housing holocaust, we’re confident that they will be judged accordingly by the American people.”

“Shit,” he added. “Shit.”

The hearings are scheduled to start next month.

Originally posted 2010-04-29 08:42:18. Republished by Blog Post Promoter