WASHINGTON – The federal government today initiated plans to purchase controlling interest in Sealy Corp.® (ZZ) and Tempur Pedic International Inc.® (TPX), and Serta®, effectively nationalizing the nation’s bedding industry. President Obama calls the plan The Greater People’s Cooperative Bedding Initiative. In increasing numbers, citizens had shown their distrust of the financial markets by storing what little savings they had in their mattresses, but the government cautions that taking those mattresses should not be misconstrued as a cash-grab.

All this governing bores me. Where's the media?

The three companies have a combined market capitalization of approximately $4 billion. However, due to kickbacks, earmarks, bribery, bureaucracy and other forms of government inefficiency, the cost to taxpayers will be approximately $350 billion. The President, does, however, expect to defray a “major” portion of the cost by recouping an estimated $475,000.00 in cash from the seized bedding of citizens too stupid to remove their money before the government can get their grubby hands on it.

While all three firms lost money last quarter in the declining economy, none of the mattress giants actually felt any real financial distress. However, according to a statement by White House Spokesman Robert Gibbs, the possibility of potential price increases at some remote theoretical point in the future caused the move to socialized bedding.

“It’s greedy and unfair that these giant companies be allowed to operate at a profit when there are people in need.” Gibbs said via cellphone while watching the Ringling Brothers Circus. Gibbs chose to ignore the fact that in truth, the firms were not actually profitable but rather were losing money.

“The people have a right to affordable bedding and The State will provide,” he continued. “The greedy corporations should be ashamed for not considering the needs of the people when they set their prices. I have to go now, all the clowns are about to get out of the little car. I love how they can distort reality. This gag always kills me.”

Can seventeen clowns really fit in there? If it defies logic, check your premises.

According to the statement, The Greater People’s Cooperative Bedding Initiative will mandate that all mattresses  be turned in at centralized collection points, as designated by the local Community Organizer. The Community Organizer will then redistribute mattresses, some new, some used, based on fairness and on the need of the individual. The Community Organizer will have sole authority to determine fairness and need.

At a press conference announcing the move, Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner struck a blow at those citizens who did choose to store the meager savings they’d scrimped together in their mattresses. “How dare these people!” Geithner exclaimed. “Even if you only have a little, it’s unfair of you to hoard it. The People need your money. While you’re looking up at the CEOs and fat-cats, there’s someone out there with even less looking up at you, and it’s only fair that you give your savings to the government so we can give it to them and they can be dependent on us. You can’t be greedy at a time like this. After all, redistribution of wealth isn’t about anybody getting ahead. It’s about dragging the successful down. In a time like this, every minute you sleep should be guilt-ridden, as there is someone out there whose need for slumber is greater than yours, and you haven’t considered their feelings when you made the greedy choice to exercise a biological necessity without first giving them opportunity.  That’s totally unfair of you. Shame on all of you. So there.”

This wounded Iraqi in Gitmo has more need then you.

The statement did not indicate why the President chose to act now, with the economy showing the first tentative signs of recovery over the past week. Some speculate that Obama felt compelled to act immediately because he probably would be unable to attempt the Greater People’s Cooperative Bedding Initiative should his approval ratings dip any further.

Spokespersons from the mattress companies were denied the opportunity to comment, as the government has deemed their opinions “unnecessary, irrelevant, and of no benefit to the working man. Their brand of corporate, profit-driven logic is obsolete in our new modern, sensitive, feeling-oriented society.”

President Obama, on his way to Wal-Mart to purchase a set of DVDs as a gift for the Chinese Ambassador, briefly stated that, “I promised change, and this is just the beginning. The People’s Republic of America deserves this. The era of greed has been replaced with the era of need! This bill will generate hundreds of rubles, I mean dollars, for the working man.”

Obama added in passing as he ducked into the presidential limousine that he would consider it an “added bonus” if law-abiding citizens “just happen” to keep guns in their mattresses and he “just happened” to have the opportunity to “liberate” those firearms “for the good of the people” during the mattress reallocation program. Obama then said that “it would be oh, so unfortunate, to take away their guns,” with a sly smile as the limo drove away.

She gets a Posturepedic®, but you don't.

When asked to comment, Chinese Ambassador Li Zhaoxing said, “This is a startling and unfortunate stance for America to take. If America continues this self-destructive approach, we may have to consider economic sanctions against them. It would be regrettable, but America may force us to suspend our aid until they can be a responsible nation-state and move toward a more moderate, more capitalistic business model and once again act like a sensible member of the community of nation states.”

“If America wants to commit economic suicide, they will have to do it without Chinese financing,” Zhaoxing continued. “Regardless, they had better make sure that all Panda Bears currently residing in American zoos get top priority on Posturepedics®. Pandas have sensitive backs, you know.”

Originally posted 2009-03-26 10:42:53. Republished by Blog Post Promoter