PORT-AU-PRINCE – Hoping to follow New Orleans’ lead and magically undo the massive effects of natural disasters and government incompetence merely by winning a football game, city and federal officials in Port-au-Prince confirmed in a news conference today that they are in active talks to secure an NFL football franchise “by the start of next season.”
The hastily arranged conference, which was held outdoors in sweltering conditions due to the ongoing power outage, comes on the heels of the New Orleans Saints’ unlikely triumph over the Indianapolis Colts in yesterday’s Super Bowl.
As originally reported by Wine and Excrement, a Saints Super Bowl victory holds the promise of swiftly and magically reversing the ravages of Hurricane Katrina and the other chronic ills that bedevil the city and the entire Bayou region, including a level of government corruption rivaling that of Haiti itself.
Left, the "Pooper Dome" as it appeared until yesterday's New Orleans Super Bowl triump. On right, the Super Dome as it appears afterwards.
Port-au-Prince Mayor Jean Yves Jason, bellowing through a bullhorn, declared, “There are many parallels between Port-au-Prince and New Orleans: Billions of dollars in squandered government aid money; chronic, multi-generational poverty; rampant crime and looting; unbridled government corruption; official victimhood status at the hands of the white devils; and voodoo.
“We will have soon another similarity – a Super Bowl-winning American football team!”
The Mayor continued by explaining that an exhaustive analysis, funded by U.S./U.N. aid money and donations from the New Orleans Convention and Visitors Bureau and the NFL Players Association, had proven “beyond the shadow of a doubt” that the Saints’ Super Bowl conquest of the Colts was “100% responsible for the complete turnaround in New Orleans now underway.”
When asked to comment on the fact that all reports so far indicate that, aside from a moderate increase in bead purchases and public effluence, life in New Orleans remains wholly unchanged today in spite of the Saints triumph, Mayor Jason attempted to yield the podium to NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, who was not in attendance.
He then shouted, “Watch out for the Port-au-Prince Warlocks!” and stormed out of the conference.
An NFL spokesman confirmed that “discussions at the highest levels” were underway to send a professional team to Haiti. “We’re going to donate a franchise to them; after all, you see how the Saints’ victory has completely and totally transformed the city of New Orleans. A Super Bowl win can mean the difference between life and death.
“That one game turned a water-stained dump to a modern city state,” he proclaimed.
He added, “We can’t afford to just create a new team for them, though, so we’re going to disenfranchise a chronically underperforming team from the Mainland, a team that exists in a city largely devoid of natural disasters: the Cincinnati Bengals. No one really cares and it’s not like they were going to be scripted to win a Super Bowl any time soon.
“Besides, there’s just too much confusion between ‘Who Dey’ and ‘Who Dat.”
“But we want the Warlocks to win a Super Bowl immediately,” he continued, “just like we wanted the Saints to win this year, so we’re going to let them dump the Bengal roster, change the name of course, and draft the best players from every other team in the league. This will guarantee Haiti not only a full recovery, but total economic dominance in the Caribbean.
“Quién ils?” he then screamed in pidgin French.
“I looked that up on Google translate.”
Originally posted 2010-02-08 21:02:11. Republished by Blog Post Promoter
