PITTSBURGH – A coalition of Pittsburgh Women’s Shelters dedicated to combating domestic violence issued a joint press release today thanking the Oakland Raiders for sparing “untold numbers” of Pittsburgh-area women from more serious injuries Sunday evening.

When engorged with Iron City and enraged by a Steeler loss, the male Steeler fan can be very dangerous to his rutting partner and others. Experts recommend maintaining at least a quarter-mile distance.

Earlier in the day, the Pittsburgh Steelers suffered an embarrassing, overtime loss to the struggling Kansas City Chiefs. The Chiefs improved to 3-7 while the Steelers dropped to 6-4, in the process losing two-time Superbowl phenom and acromegalic hobbit quarterback “Big Ben” Roethlisburger to an injury to his already-overclocked dome.

“It wasn’t looking good,” said Merriweather Clark-Figgins, a counselor for Smiling Tears, the city’s largest drop-in shelter for battered women. “We knew wives throughout Steeler Nation were in danger of some pretty serious abuse in light of today’s disaster on the gridiron, but the one thing we had going for us was that the Bengals played in the late game. That gave our menfolk some hope, some time to restock on Iron City beer and to root for the Raiders.”

Sure enough, the Bengals, who have defeated the Steelers twice this season, handed the game to the bottom-feeding Oakland Raiders, delighting the home-crowd thugs in Silver and Black with 10 points in 33 seconds.

“We can’t thank the Raiders enough. Thanks to their heroics, or I should say thanks to taking advantage of the favors the Bengals handed them, our understandably frustrated men used open hands rather than clenched fists when administering the customary beatings that take place on Stealer-loss Sundays once the Iron City runs out.

“For a minute there, you’d have thought the Steelers won the Super Bowl, they were so excited with the Raider victory. But most of them quickly remembered that their team had also lost to a horrible team, and it was on.”

Clark-Figgins, who was interviewed at her home and kept her eyes nervously glued to the closed door of her bedroom during the entire session, added, “I want to make clear that open hands are a walk in the park compared to clenched fists. Go Raiders!”

Originally posted 2009-11-23 19:07:16. Republished by Blog Post Promoter