Only hours after demanding that federal authorities investigate groups opposed to the construction of a mosque at Ground Zero in Manhattan, Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi, has turned her attention to another target: namely, every American citizen. Specifically, Pelosi has leveled the charge that her falling job performance numbers are the result of well-financed naysayers who are manipulating Americans into voicing disapproval.

“The President’s approval numbers are tanking, and last I checked, I think mine are in the one’s,” said Pelosi. “That alone is enough to raise suspicion.”

House Speaker, Nancy Pelosi, describes the breadth of the conspiracy she claims has led to low polling numbers

According to a Pelosi aide, the House Speaker is deeply troubled by the fact that polled Americans, by an ever increasing majority, find both President Obama’s policies and her insufferable personality off-putting.

Said the aide, “[Obama] is the first black president, and Nancy is the first female Speaker of the House. That automatically should equate to approval. Everybody knows that protected status is the number one factor for determining competence and likability. For polls to reveal something contrary? I mean, c’mon. No one can be universally despised, can they? So, yes we think that something is rotten in the state of Nebraska. And Arkansas. And Wisconsin. And all the other fly-over hillbilly enclaves that have turned on us.”

Pelosi told MSNBC’s sapphic sycophant, Rachel Maddow, that criticism of her policies demands immediate action. “We need to investigate all Americans. I want to know who is funding the American people. Where are they getting the money to exercise such rude objections? Who is sponsoring them?” she said. “I know they aren’t making money in this economy, so there has to be another explanation. Frankly, I’m fairly certain it’s the NRA and perhaps Rush Limbaugh.”

Maddow added, “And probably the Ku Klux Klan,” which led to a passionate girl-on-girl embrace (and the first ratings bump MSNBC has enjoyed since the late 90s).

When asked what sort of investigation she is proposing, the Speaker replied, “Anything and everything. Nothing is off the table. Bank records, tax records, even surveillance. Bottom line: We are too important to this country to be sidetracked by the insidious forces of grass roots activism that seek to supplant us from our rightful thrones– er, seats in the American government.”

Presidential Press Secretary, Robert Gibbs, was asked at a White House press briefing whether the administration agreed that Obama’s falling job approval rating is dubious, and merits the intrusive investigation into each American that Ms. Pelosi is advocating.

“I think it’s pretty clear that something is amiss. I mean, it would take a presidential performance of such epic and catastrophic ineptitude to so quickly produce such shoddy numbers that … wait, strike that, next question please.” Gibbs, however, refused to respond to any more questions and instead spent the rest of the briefing shooting spit wads at the assembled press.

Later in the day, Ms. Pelosi spoke to a handful of reporters as she enjoyed the “Industrial Grade Scrape, Suck and Stretch” package at a Carmel, California spa.

Reclined in a leather chair, face covered in an avocado and green tea mask while a likely illegal immigrant massaged her toes, Pelosi spoke about why she thinks there is a conspiracy against her. “Jealously. I’ve had to work so hard to earn what I ha– OUCH! you slant-eyed c***! I told you to watch my corns!”

“Anyway, what was I saying? Oh, yes. I have worked hard for everything I have. Finding the right tycoon. Getting him to ignore my grating personality, my eternally surprised brow, my softball-kneed chicken legs, my refusal to engage in any sexual activity that requires more than a square inch of my body come in contact with his … that didn’t just happen on its own. I had to put in the effort. It took quite a bit of bargaining and blackmail. But look at me now!” she said, as a spa technician plugged in a belt sander. “Basically, I think that if America knew the real me, they’d appreciate how much they owe me, and investigations would no longer be necessary.”