NEW YORK – Orphan futures, under relentless pressure since the earthquake that devastated Haiti on Jan.23, enjoyed a dramatic turnaround today during heavy trading on the New York Mercantile Exchange.

Haitian orphans have been victimized by proselytizing adoptive agencies.

The surge, which saw spot unit prices for March delivery of orphans spike $5, or 20%, came after traders received word that sightings of aggressive bulk orphan buyers Madonna and Angelina Jolie had been confirmed in Haiti.

Orphan futures had hit a five-year low last month as the Haiti quake dumped hundreds of thousands of low-priced orphans on the open market.

“This market has been devastated,” noted supply-side analyst Leaf von Shinglerod of Human Asset Management. “If Madonna and Jolie are prepared to call market bottom, and it seems they clearly are, that gives the institutional investors the courage to step in as well. I think we could be seeing the start of the sustained pricing recovery that everyone has been watching for.”

In the wake of the powerful quake, global orphan markets had plummeted 85%, even worse than the 77% fall suffered in the aftermath of the Asian tsunami in 2004.

Then, as is apparently the case now, a flurry of celebrity orphan purchases closely followed by a wave of buying by asset-management firms looking to time the bottom of the cycle ultimately marked the end of the bear market and the beginning of a sustained bull run. Orphan prices recovered 476% of their post-tsunami value before crashing after the Haiti quake.

“For the casual investors and those looking simply to add a fashionably swarthy accessory to their family, the truth is it’s probably too late to buy at below-market rates,” warned Shinglerod. “This is why it’s so risky for the individual investor and the end consumer to try to time the market. You get burned.”

After the earthquake, thousands of Americans rushed to snap up suddenly available orphans. Not only were the orphans selling at rock-bottom prices, the market was swimming with dark-skinned selections, considered de rigueur at the moment.

“Adopting a black orphan is a great way, in the minds of many white American suburban families, to simultaneously gain street cred, make a very loud statement about progressive platform favorites like zero population growth, equal opportunity and wealth distribution, and assuage feelings of white guilt,” noted Dr. Jean-Baptiste Colbert, a cultural studies professor on the faculty of Temple University. “In many – but by no means all – cases, it is on the level of buying indulgences in the medieval Catholic Church.”

Madonna and Jolie, whose actions, from profound decisions such as footwear preference all the way down to capricious minutia such as religious choice of the moment, are dutifully aped by the masses, have had a major impact on the market.

“First, they drove up demand for adopting orphans, especially exotic-looking ones that project a ‘differentness’ everywhere they are taken,” said Colbert. “Madonna and Jolie really deserve credit for elevating the foreign orphan from merely a proselytizing outlet to a fashion accessory.

“But ironically, when they move into a market, like we’re seeing in Haiti, they often cut off access to the orphan market to your typical end user.”

Shinglerod, the Wall Street analyst, agrees. “If you buy your orphan after seeing Angelina or Madonna doing the same thing, you’re probably buying way too late, if not in terms of fashion then at least in terms of price.”

That’s not deterring Brenda Waspington, of Upper Bluff, Iowa. Waspington lives on a 14,000-acre lot with her husband, who is a small business owner, and her 14 home-schooled children.

“I really, really want one of those Haitian guys,” said Waspington. “I know we should have acted right after the quake, but we wanted to make sure we waited so we could confirm we were getting a Catholic orphan – it would have been such a waste to miss an opportunity to save a child from the fires of hell.”

Waspington said that her broker had indeed secured a child from a Catholic orphanage, but conceded she was paying “seven, probably eight or even nine” times what the going rate had been two weeks ago.

“Yeah, it’s Angelina,” she conceded, “but she’s doing a great thing and so are we. So what if you can do a good thing and look good while you’re doing it? I call that a win-win.”

Meanwhile, analysts have a tip for what they say will be another hot futures market: fertility drugs.

“As people are priced out of the suddenly inaccessible orphan market, look for a return to traditional family planning. We recommend short-selling rubbers,” said Shinglerod.

Originally posted 2010-02-01 21:51:18. Republished by Blog Post Promoter