Customers will be able to enjoy cream “straight from the tap.”

Vassalboro, Maine – Controversial broodmaster Nadya “Octomom” Suleman, mother of 14 children, including the recent batch of eight that were hatched via in vitro fertilization, has agreed to accept an employment offer at a topless café in Maine, her publicist confirmed today.

“Victor,” refusing to divulge his real name, said his beleaguered client decided to accept the job offer after postponing a lucrative debut in the porn industry and after repeated publicity stunts proved fruitless.

Suleman, who is divorced and lives with her parents in their mortgage-delinquent home in Los Angeles, has faced growing criticism for increasing her brood 133 percent even as she continued to collect food stamps and disability payments for three of her preexisting children.

At the beginning of her sudden celebrity, which some are already calling the “longest 15 minutes in history,” it appeared her wanton self indulgence might pay off. Reports quickly spread that Suleman was seeking $1 million from famously gullible Oprah Winfrey as payment for an appearance on her show.

Got milk?

Meanwhile, Suleman retained “Victor” and eagerly pursued a number of other publicity stunts, such as the publicly staged squabble with her mother over her ill-advised decision to mass-reproduce.

None of these efforts panned out, and in recent days, Octomom’s newfound fame has even turned on her. With widespread news of her financial status and with no lucrative deals yet inked, the suburban Los Angeles Kaiser Permanente Medical Centre, where Suleman spawned her brood, has reportedly warned that it might not release the children to her if it believes she cannot provide for them.

Now, in an eleventh-hour proposal to put her on stable financial footing, porn production company Vivid Entertainment has offered the postnatal pauper $1 million to star in one of its movies. To receive the payout, Suleman would have to appear in “eight different scenes with eight different men.”

“She’s struggling financially and this is a woman who wants to provide for her kids,” Vivid CEO Stephen Hirsch told Fox News. “This way she can hold her head high and not be using taxpayers money to support her family.”

Suleman rejected the offer, but not the concept. Rather than being taken aback by the concept of copulating eight-fold under the lights, her demurral sprang from concern over the unsavory spectacle that would confront porn audiences viewing her in action in her current state.  “Maybe in a year when the baby fat goes away,” she said.

To financially bridge the gap while Suleman burns off her baby fat, “Victor” says she will work at Grand View Topless Coffee Shop in Vassalboro, Maine. The coffee shop has enjoyed national news attention for its recent decision to go topless in an effort to lure more customers. “This is much safer for her and for the public. She won’t be nude, just topless. And in her state, she can offer something to customers that none of the other girls can.”

“This is a great cobranding opportunity,” agreed Buffoonery Comes, owner of the shop. “We’re especially excited about her lactating status. She will be able to offer customers cream right from the tap, and we’re also adding a breastmilk cappuccino to our menu.”

Suleman will start at the café next month.

Originally posted 2009-02-26 20:26:23. Republished by Blog Post Promoter