WASHINGTON – During a speech delivered Monday at a Democratic Party fundraiser, President Obama vowed to nationalize the political polling industry. Pollsters have consistently reported tanking job approval numbers since six months into the President’s administration and according to an undisclosed source, the President has privately been vexed over how to combat his rising unpopularity without actually acquiescing to the will of the American people.

“I am too big to fail,” the President told the fundraiser audience. “Something has to be done. The polling you are seeing coming out of these organizations about me is highly suspect. They would have you believe that America has lost faith in me, that my best times are behind me, that in fact, ‘no, I can’t,’” said the President. “Don’t listen to them. They just want to obstruct me, to preserve the status quo, to protect their monopolies on your opinion of me. Presented with this historic opportunity, however, I cannot and will not let this moment pass me by like so many administrations have before me. Once and for all, we need real polling reform. Reform by me.”

The President reacts to the release of Rasmussen’s latest Presidential approval poll.

In particular, the President challenged Congress to send him a bill establishing a government-option polling mechanism to compete with private sector polling companies like Rasmussen and Pew. “For far too long, a select few have held the political polling process hostage with their iron-fisted objectivity,” said the President. “It’s time to introduce some real competition into the marketplace, competition that is sure to drive costs down, and my numbers up.

The President pointed out in his speech how traditional pollsters have routinely misstated his numbers, starting with the 2008 presidential election in which exit polls reported a mere five to seven percentage point victory, as opposed to the much larger margin by which Obama is certain he actually defeated Republican opponent, Sarah Palin (and also her running mate, Sen. John McCain). Slipping nimbly into his trademark Ebonics, Obama said while snapping a finger “Y’all knows I beat that cracker b**** by fifteen digits!”

Referring to the latest round of poll numbers that show him well below 50 percent in job approval rating, the President stated, “Let me be clear: I inherited those low approval numbers from the previous administration. Now it’s my job to clean up the mess they left me. And one sure way to do that is a government option that will keep honest those biased pollsters who color their data with fair methods, broad sampling, and well-established statistical science.”

Democrats in the House quickly responded to the call to action this morning. House Democrat leaders were holed up in secret in a congressional toilet stall from which House Speaker Nancy Pelosi later emerged holding a draft of a 1500-page (double-ply) bill which she described as “a comprehensive plan to ensure that all Americans believe that their fellow citizens view this extraordinary, competent, and very black President positively and with the awe he so deserves . . . being black and all.” The bill excludes union members who will surely continue to voice their approval of the president under threat of violence from fellow members and union bosses. It also includes $150 billion in funding for abortion services and preteen contraception.

Later in the day at a press briefing with White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs, Fox News correspondent Major Garrett asked how the President could be so sure a government option would necessarily raise his approval numbers. Gibbs responded, “I f***ing hate you,” and threw his tie clip at the reporter, which missed and instead landed in one of Helen Thomas’ jowl folds.

Some political analysts speculate even government-run polling will not help Obama recapture numbers from formerly enthusiastic supporters that have defected of late, such as college students, who were hard-partying hemp-wearing juniors when they voted for him, but who are now frantic, panicky seniors facing a hopeless job market. “It’s been more than a year and, like, he still hasn’t paid my student loans,” said Ashley Sheckel, a senior design major at Arizona State University, and former treasurer of Tri-Delts For Obama. “I don’t have a job lined up, and I was for sure I’d be married by now,” Sheckel said with watery eyes. “I guess I’m just gonna have to enter the masters program so the loans can be, like, whaddya call it? . . . deterred.”

Originally posted 2010-04-21 21:56:13. Republished by Blog Post Promoter