WASHINGTON – After BP proposals with patently absurd names such as “Top Hat,” “Top Kill” and “Junk Shot” failed to stem the flow of oil from the Gulf Leak, the Obama administration is hoping to ratchet up such rhetorical foolery even more, aiming to literally harness it by directing the hot air it produces to offset the pressure fuelling the leak.

“Yes, we think this really can work,” said White House Spokesperson Robert Gibbs, who estimated he produces up to a fifth of the hot air generated at the White House. “You look at some of the outrageous – crazy, really – statements coming out of Congress and this administration, and you can imagine how much hot air that’s producing. The key is to channel that down to the bottom of the sea and into the breach.”

Spokesman Gibbs tries to keep his hot air in check.

Asked for examples, Gibbs pointed to Obama himself. “He’s paralleled the Oil Leak with the terrorist attacks of 2001,” noted Gibbs. “Expert geophysicists have told us that there’s enough hot air in that one statement not only to plug the oil leak but vaporize the earth if not controlled properly.”

“But because we can only harness a fraction of such effrontery, we need to channel additional sources,” he stressed.

Contrary to other developments during the crisis, hot air production seems to be a decidedly bi-partisan phenomenon, noted political geophysicist Blake Trouthammer. “Sure, the consistently big producers are always going to be the Waxmans, the Pelosis and the Reeds of the world,” he said. “But then you’ll come upon a Republican gusher like Cao, who with one statement produced more hot air than what even Pelosi averages in a week.”

Trouthammer was referring to Anh “Joseph” Cao’s outrageous request that BP America President Lamar McKay commit ritual suicide during the trumped up show trial of energy executives that Congress indulged in earlier in the week. Cao is a Republican representative from Louisiana.

Rep. Cao wanted to "get Medieval" on BP.

Earlier, in a smaller but equally self-indulgent eruption of hot air, another Republican congressman, Cliff Stearns of Florida, demanded merely the resignation of McKay.

BP is an independent company not based in the United States, facts that have repeatedly failed to faze various members of Congress and the administration, who have also demanded the company cease paying dividends to shareholders, decried its wage policies and seized
$25 billion from the company to be doled out by pet paymaster and 9-11 wealth redistribution veteran Kenneth Feinberg.

Meanwhile, stalwart Democratic blowhards like Waxman produced with the consistency they are known for. With the clarity of someone watching a horse’s ass departing from an open barn door, Waxman declared that “time after time” BP had “increased the risk of a blowout to save the company time or expense.”

BP’s costs resulting from the spill to date total more than $1.5 billion.

Rep. Waxman hogged a lot of camera time as well

Newly appointed “son of the Gulf” restoration czar Ray Maybus can only hope engineers find a way to direct the hot air down to the spill. “There’s no limit to our ability to produce it, that’s for sure,” he said. “But at the end of the day, we still have to deal with the oil industry. They’re the only ones who know how to engineer wells. Unlike 99% of the government, including me, they have actual experience working with wells.”

“Unlike Big Oil, we’ve taken precautions,” added Maybus, noting that James Carville, a Democratic political pundit who was recently declared sane on a technicality, was being held in reserve.

“Our people estimate that Carville’s proven reserves of hot air are enough to terraform Mars, so they should be able to counter any unexpected challenges that might erupt as we pioneer this approach.”

The great, untapped reserves.