MINNEAPOLIS – A shocking new study released today showed that 84% of American Children did not participate in Trick or Treating this Halloween.  The study, commissioned by the University of Minnesota Child Psychology Institute, surveyed both parents and elementary school children nationwide and reached the incredible conclusion that our children are simply too goddamm lazy to walk around the goddamm neighborhood anymore.

Why our children don't Trick or Treat?

CPI Director John Son called the findings “vitally important.”  In a press release attached to the report, Son indicated that “in this world of too much TV and not enough sweat, the little brats still don’t want to exercise even when we try to bribe them with candy.”

The excuses varied from lame to ridiculous.  Some said they were too tired.  Others tried to make their parents carry them.  A confused parent said her little brood couldn’t go out because the children all had Vitamin D deficiencies.

“With all that H1N1 stuff out there, I wouldn’t want my child to get, you know, sick and stuff,” said Valarie Stewart, of Charlotte.  “Who knows the neighbors anymore?  They might be, you know, like weirdos and stuff.  So I kept the kids home and made up an extra batch of double-fried Twinkies for dinner while they played Yu Gi Yo.”

Stewart’s position was a minority nationwide, though, as relatively few people cited fear of disease as a reason to stay home.  The simple conclusion is that lame people found pathetic excuses to justify the fact that they just didn’t want to leave their climate controlled environments to do something as passe as take a pleasant stroll around their neighborhood.  According to Son, it is important to note that the parents are “just as goddam fat and just as goddam lazy as the goddam kids, goddammit.”

“I tried,” said little Katrina Belle, age 6.  “My mommy got an extra large fairy princess costume, special for me.  Then I tripped and fell and got an owie and there was brown stuff all over me and it was really really yucky.  Mommy says it’s something called ‘dirt’ but I don’t know what that is.  Then I went back inside and watched a Hanna Montana Blue Ray.  When I grow up I want to be just like Hanna Montana even if Jimmy – he’s my big brother – says she’s a whore.”

When asked why she didn’t go back outside, Katrina seemed puzzled, and asked, “why?”

The W&E Art Department would like to take this opportunity to gratuitously show why we love Halloween so much. We know this has nothing to do with the story. We’re OK with that. Thank you, ladies.

Not everybody stayed home, though.  Tyler Fetterhausen, 9, of Duluth, designed his own costume for the annual candy orgy.  He went as the Hubble Telescope.  “I’ve grown quite comfortable being different,” Tyler said with a sigh, “Other children resent me because I’m home-schooled and I’m so much smarter than the banal proletariat kids.  Since my mother doesn’t buy products with refined sugar, this is the only time I can get them.  It’s a special treat.  With none of the other kids throwing rocks at me this year, I got a whole bunch.  This is the greatest Halloween ever!  I only got one wedgie all night!”

While Fetterhausen may be thrilled with a rare torment-free night, others seemed frustrated by the lack of Trick or Treating.  The study revealed that as a whole, abductions by perverts, child molesters, freaks, and other weirdos were all but eliminated by parents using paranoia as an excuse to mask their sloth, leaving a small, but dangerous group of unfulfilled psychos on the streets and un-sated.

“It’s a hollow victory,” Son observed, “as most of these monsters will just release their demented urges at day care the next day anyway – either that or in Church.”

I'd rather just play Madden

W&E’s Research Department (i.e. – The Intern) contacted several child molesters for this story; some alleged, some convicted, and some just creepy looking.  Unfortunately, all declined to comment.

Has the novelty of Trick or Treating worn off?  Son seemed to think so.  “Most of these fat little bastards have a ready supply of candy every day already,” he explained.  “Why should they go next door when they can just go to the kitchen?  One goddam brat actually told me they should send the parents around delivering the goddam candy to the kids!”

Perhaps 11 year old Max Brauberg summed it up best.  “I can’t have the candy.  It interferes with my Ritalin,” he said, “besides, outside is so boring.  I’d rather just play Madden.”

Originally posted 2009-11-02 13:59:00. Republished by Blog Post Promoter