TURLOCK, Calif. – A gathering glut in unwanted U.S. dairy cows has prompted a startling new innovation: meat-infused ice cream.

The bovine surplus has been building amid crashing milk prices, reduced spending by consumers terrified by Great Depression 2.0 and shrinking demand for U.S. cheese, milk and butter abroad. Meanwhile, the cost of feeding cows has skyrocketed thanks to rising corn and alfalfa prices, which continue to be bolstered by the belated ethanol craze.

“In this economy, it just don’t make no sense to keep so many cows alive,” said Culotte Tarter, a foreman at one of the largest dairy factory farms in California. “But unfortunately, there ain’t no way to get milk from a dead cow. Believe me, we done tried.”

However, in a piece of good news for the beleaguered dairy industry, there is at least one thing that can be obtained from dead cattle: meat. That idea, says Label Impasse, R.D., M.Ed., a spokesperson with the National Dairy council, came to the organization “almost like an epiphany.”

Dr. Impasse says the council was reviewing the latest numbers: 1.5 million dairy cows rendered obsolete by the recession are now up for slaughter this year alone. “We just thought to ourselves that there had to be a way to reclaim some of this product. Even just a few basis points applied to 1.5 million units was going to make a difference,” she said.

I scream, you scream, cows scream for ice cream!

That’s when the idea of meat-enhanced ice cream hit them.

“We were staring down the barrel of the wholesale destruction of our infrastructure, at least for 2009,” recalled Impasse. “Suddenly, here was a way for us to reinvest waste product right back into our own value chain without losing market share.”

Impasse was quick to stress that meat-flavored ice cream will continue to fly the flag of the dairy brand. “Don’t think for a minute this is just another example of obsolete dairy cows being surrendered to another industry to make shoe leather, car seats or even taco meat. We’re talking about perfectly viable, prime-of-service-life dairy cows with years of production otherwise ahead of them.

“Yes, they’re being slaughtered, but they will remain a dairy product from factory farm to consumer gullet.”

“This is the biggest technological and public relations breakthrough the industry has achieved since it figured out how to turn a calf into a 1,000-pound animal in a few months and convinced Americana that milk was a natural and healthy food source,” noted industry observer Dick Marlin.  “I can’t wait for the updated ‘Got Milk’ posters.”

Flavors currently under production and lab animal testing include “Prion Pecan,” “Rocky Roast,” “Chocolate Lips,” “Salisbury Strawberry,” “Udder Pecan,” “Hoof Bar Crunch,” “Chocolate Lip Hoofy Dough,” and “Vanilla Offal.”

To improve efficiency, some dairy farms-turned-slaughterhouses will experiment with freezing cattle alive and mechanically separating and processing the resulting corpses directly into ice cream. “This would allow our factory workers to avoid the costly nuisance of carving up struggling animals,” notes Impasse.

Consumers should benefit from “extra iron, Vitamin A, protein and ‘other meat stuff’ when the meat-infused ice cream begins to hit store shelves, probably around July 4.

“We don’t think consumers should have to choose between a cool, refreshingly sweet dairy treat and a satisfying serving of upper-food-chain protein,” said Impasse. “Starting this summer, that terrible choice will be behind us.”

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Originally posted 2009-02-16 22:09:41. Republished by Blog Post Promoter