AG, Eric Holder, seen after sampling Guzman's other "gift" to the DOJ

Only a day after the announcement that a wealthy Wyoming man has donated $1.5 million to help the state of Arizona defend legal challenges to its immigration enforcement law, the Justice Department announced it has also received a contribution supporting its lawsuit against the state.

According to a press release issue by the DOJ, Mexican drug lord, Joaquin “El Chapo” Guzman, has matched Timothy Mellon’s gift with 1.5 million pesos of his own.

“We are just thrilled to accept Mr. Guzman’s financial support,” said Attorney General, Eric Holder. “The staff has been high-fiving each other all day. Take THAT, Governor Brewer!”

Guzman is a well-known drug kingpin in Mexico, and with the capture of cartel leader, Edgar Valdez Villarreal, he is arguably now the most powerful. But according to DOJ officials that is irrelevant, because he “get’s it.”

“This is a man who understands the danger of Arizona’s recently passed law,” Holders said. “He can see the potential for abuse. He just gets it. Here is a man with regular contacts on both sides of the, quote-unquote, ‘border,’ a man who interacts with Americans and Mexicans every day. And he’ll tell you: discrimination based on nationality has no place in his business, and it should have no place in the business of Arizona. So to have him in our corner is really, we think, a testament to the legitimacy of our case.”

Asked whether the DOJ had any reservations about accepting a donation from a known criminal, Holder said, “Absolutely not. When it comes to the reprehensible and intolerable inconvenience of being asked for an ID card, what’s a little blow, or a little weed, or a little smack, or a little X? Drug trafficking is trivial compared to the inhuman, barbarous practice of carding.”

After recovering from a spit-take involving her Diet Coke, Arizona governor, Jan Brewer, stated that she isn’t surprised by the contribution, but she thinks the DOJ will be when they learn a peso is worth less than one-tenth of a U.S. dollar. “In a legal fight of this scope and stature? They’ll probably burn through that just by holding a press conference. Hell, we’ll just file a simple motion for extension of time tomorrow, and that’ll be that.”

Brewer’s comments about the peso-to-dollar ratio were repeated to Holder at a press conference he organized later in the day. “I don’t think that’s true … I mean, that can’t- … Did you know about this?” he demanded of one of his aids flanking the podium. “Well, then let me just say this: if there are any other sympathetic drug cartels, human traffickers, sex slave tradesmen, black market organ dealers, or prescription drug smugglers in Mexico who are equally appalled by Arizona’s blatant attempt to protect its citizens at the expense of the convenience of others, then please contact the DOJ to learn how you can help.”

Speaking at a White House press briefing, White House Press Secretary, Robert Gibbs, said the DOJ shouldn’t be so concerned, though. “The value of the dollar will surely drop to banana republic levels by the time the suit is completed, so I’d just advise them to drag the thing out and wait.”

Gibbs refused to say whether the administration had solicited donations from any other crime groups, and instead plugged his ears and repeated “I’m not listening to you” over and over again.

At least one person, however, did not need Holder’s entreaty before deciding to contribute. Pop star, Lady Gaga, announced this morning that she would throw her celebrity weight behind the cause. Observers say this is no surprise, given her rant against the measure during a concert in Arizona last month in which she said, apparently seriously, “I will hold you, and we will hold each other, and we will peaceably protest [Arizona].” Her protest, though, has been largely ineffective given her fans generally aren’t keen on any event unrelated to Project Runway.

The possible hermaphrodite did say she intends to auction a few articles of her Versace-meets-Tron wardrobe to support the DOJ legal fund. However, a Sotheby’s representative stated that the auction house has already decided against hosting the auction. “No one employed here is willing to actually handle clothing that has been worn by Ms. Gaga, at least not without a bio-suit. Perhaps she could try Craigslist?”

Originally posted 2010-09-03 15:35:04. Republished by Blog Post Promoter