WANTAGE, N.J. – During a hastily convened press conference late last night, an emotional Lou Dobbs stood on his front lawn and excoriated the practice of using imported firearms and ammunition.

Less than an hour earlier, a preliminary crime lab report had come back confirming the type of bullet and gun used in the Oct. 5 assault on his house, located on his sprawling, 300-acre farm in this small New Jersey Township of just over 10,000.

On Oct. 5, state police responded to a 9-11 call from Debi Dobbs, matriarch of the Dobbs homestead. She reported hearing a single gunshot ring out shortly after 10 a.m.

When police arrived, they discovered that the round  had struck the siding of the Dobbs’ house but fallen harmlessly to the ground without penetrating. At the time, Dobbs and some legally documented workers were standing  outside the home.

Police recovered the round and brought it to their forensic lab for testing, releasing preliminary results of their analysis only late yesterday.

“Just as I expected, just as I predicted, just as I feared, this bullet was foreign made,” Dobbs said during prepared remarks, which were chronicled live by CNN blue-eyed bombshell Anderson Cooper, who temporarily broke off his coverage of Hurricane Katrina, currently in its 217th week, in order to do so.

No other networks joined the press conference.

Police refused to release precise details about the bullet used, but after receiving “probably upwards of 2,000 phone calls from Mr. Dobbs” Subjunior New Jersey State Police Chief – Rural Division Cornell Nailhead confirmed the bullet was not made in the U.S.

However, he would not say what country had produced it.

“For far too long, the flood of cheap, ill-constructed foreign goods has undermined the ability of the American worker to rise to his full potential,” said Dobbs. “Tonight’s police report, while not as detailed as we’d like, underscores these very dangers.

“How sad is that an on-target bullet failed to even crack the siding of my house? This is what cheap foreign goods gets you.”

Dobbs continued, “I’ll bet the shooter was American, though, because at least he hit my house. Just imagine what he could have done with American-made goods! Why, I might not even be here to talk about it, yet here I stand.”

Lou Dobb: You'd be better off bringing a knife than a foreign-made gun to a gunfight!

Dobbs added that the siding of his house was “100% American made” but that that was “no excuse” for the foreign-made bullet’s failure to penetrate it. “By that logic, an Italian truffle would chip my American-made teeth,” Dobbs said mysteriously.

A typical edition of Lou Dobbs Tonight features a pasty-faced Dobbs staring slack-jawed for dramatic effect into the camera at the conclusion of one of his field reporter’s investigative segments. Struggling to contain his disgust for the un-American, Dobbs at times appears to project his consternation and his chiding, doomsday reprimands at the very reporters he tasks with bringing him stories of the latest incursions against the model of 1950s American suburbia to which he yearns to return the country.

Dobbs burst into the nascent cable TV news scene in the early 80s, successfully positioning himself as a financial expert and going on to found CNN Financial News.

However, in 2006, Dobbs abruptly switched from being a self-proclaimed financial expert to a self-proclaimed immigration expert. For the past several years, Dobbs has used his nightly show on CNN exclusively to deliver multi-minute rants against all manner of foreign influences, from immigration to the safety of imported foods to the effects of outsourcing.

Dobbs has been praised by TV critics for his ability to turn seemingly any subject into a harbinger of immigration doom.

Says Lancelot Brigand, a mid-senior TV critic for TV Guide, “Lou, like everyone else, was fascinated and duped by the Balloon Boy story a few weeks back, and I remember after blinking at the live coverage of the soaring balloon for 30 seconds of dead air or so he turned to the camera and said, ‘You know, Mexicans could use a device like that, slip into this country in the guise of space aliens rather than illegal aliens.’ It’s fantastic  television.”

Brigand added that on another occasion, Dobbs had turned a story about a young girl’s battle against cancer into a screed against “outsourcing” when he learned her life-saving doctor was from Bangladesh.

Dobbs confirmed that in the wake of the shooting he is traveling with bodyguards. “You never know,” he says, “my next assailant might use American-made bullets.”

Originally posted 2009-10-31 15:44:28. Republished by Blog Post Promoter