BLOOMFIELD, Mich. – One of the great mysteries of the twentieth century has finally been resolved. The body of former Teamster President and alleged Mafioso Jimmy Hoffa, missing since 1975, was found yesterday, ending the 34-year-old mystery. An employee in the home office of Central Michigan Bank and Trust Company found the body in the back of an office refrigerator which apparently hadn’t been cleaned since sometime in the early 1970s.

The employee remains anonymous, but Joseph Marchese, a spokesperson for CMBT, confirmed they found a body and that it is believed to be Hoffa.

Teamster President Jimmy Hoffa Gets The Concrete Shoes

“People were complaining about the smell for years,” Marchese explained. “Finally, the new manager told an intern to clean up the detritus of his lazy coworkers. You have to admire the kid’s diligence. He actually rolled up his sleeves and tried to do it.”

Marchese remained vague about exactly how long it had been since the refrigerator – located in the Accounting Department – had been cleaned, explaining that the firm would not know until the results of the carbon-dating came back from a local lab. Other sources, however, were willing to comment anonymously.

“I watched the kid work,” said a woman in Accounting, “he spent hours digging stuff out of there. He even threw out the ‘mystery pack.’”

“It was like peeling back a time capsule,” said another employee, “I know I saw a can of Fresca™ and an ‘Alf™’ lunchbox in there a few weeks ago. I think he actually discovered the body behind some I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter™ and a bag of leftover Arthur Treachers Fish and Chips™.”

An internal memo leaked by a source in Human Resources indicated that absenteeism in that area was 74% higher than in the rest of the Accounting Department. Several employees indicated that the stench permeated the cubicles throughout the area. Apparently, for years the funk had affected the taste of any food placed inside. One employee said that the rot actually left a rough texture on the walls in the kitchen area. Another employee simply stated that “Scooby Doo woudn’t even eat any of the crap left in there.”

The Mystery Pack, part of the detritus of his lazy coworkers.

Many theories abound as to what happened to Hoffa. For years, many believed that mobster “Mad Dog” Sullivan sealed him in an oil drum and buried him in Giants Stadium in New Jersey. In 1997, DNA evidence even placed Hoffa in the vehicle of long-time Teamster associate Charles “Chuckie” O’Brien. However, no indictments ever came from this, apparently because the DA’s six-year-old son asked why O’Brien – or anyone else – would drive from Michigan to New Jersey with the body rather than disposing of it locally.

Rumors that the DA’s son and the intern who cleaned the refrigerator are the same person are unsubstantiated at this time.

So how did Hoffa end up in the CMBT refrigerator? Perhaps that mystery will replace that of his disappearance. Clearly, whoever thought that “nobody will ever look in there” was right.

Originally posted 2009-09-24 13:54:58. Republished by Blog Post Promoter