WASHINGTON – White House and State Department officials declared the unrest in Iran over today, citing the abrupt discontinuation of all news coverage about the civil strife in the troubled theocratic state and crediting the untimely demise of demon-plagued pop star Michael Jackson as the catalyst.

“We’ve not received a single report of any unpleasantries since June 25,” said Leaky Nil, a spokesperson for the State Department. “That is the same day the King of Pop shook off his earthly coils. Michael died for world peace.”

“Hope is born anew in the cradle of civilization, and I don’t think God – or even Michael – would have had it any other way,” agreed Secretary of State Hillary Clinton in a press release hailing the legacy of the embattled pop icon.

Robert Gibbs, the president’s press secretary, said President Obama was “visibly relieved” after watching CNN “like a hawk” for five consecutive days and detecting no mention of Iran.

“The president feels that after five days, it is appropriate to recognize what has resulted from the ultimate sacrifice made by Michael Jackson and the selfless actions of the Iranian combatants in laying down their arms with the realization that there are much bigger problems in the world than theocratic tyranny and the military annihilation of civilians – namely, the end of a pop icon and the question of what will happen with the rights to 236 Beatle songs that Michael held.”

Michael - a martyr for peace

Gibbs added that Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, the president of the Islamic Republic of Iran, had been formally invited to the White House for tea and talks over the future of the Middle East. Ahmadinejad, said Gibbs, would be offered the complete works of Michael Jackson, preloaded on an iPod, upon his arrival.

“Few things hold the healing power of Michael Jackson’s music. Michael’s death ended the strife of a divided nation. His music, which lives on, will bring peace to a divided world.”

Asked if Iran’s controversial nuclear program was still a sine qua non to establishing normalized relations with Iran, Gibbs brushed the matter aside. “We’re still trying to grieve the loss of possibly the greatest man - person - of the millennium. Now is not the time to split hairs.”

Gibbs also dismissed questions about whether or not the unrest in Iran had truly been resolved, visibly annoyed with persistent whispers that firebrand mullah Ayatollah Ali Khamenei was still crushing wrong-thinking civilians in the streets.

“Turn on CNN. Turn on MSNBC. Hell, turn on even FOX News. The unrest in Iran literally ended the moment Michael’s death became known to the world. The Iranians had the wisdom to let Michael’s death awaken them to what really matters, and so should we.”